troubled thoughts

apologies

to all of those

i’ve failed

within my life

the numbers

keep on growing

and the future’s

not so bright

i tell myself

i’m learning

and i’m changing

for the better

but the past

keeps catching up

and the now

feels

somehow

heavier

i know

that on the whole

i have a kind

and loving soul

but its bested

by my weaknesses

too yielding

to let go

ever waiting

for forgiveness

that i’ll never

truly

know

cause the mercy

isn’t coming

from the lives

that i’ve

let down

the mercy waits

within the walls

of my own

prison cell

the peace

i seek

stays buried deep

and

troubled thoughts

remain

as i relive

where i have failed

time

and time

again

sleepless

as darkness creeps

toward new light

i overthink it all

what’s done

and to be done

what lies ahead

and in my head

thoughts twist and tangle

tire me

and taunt me

as time tick ticks away

another day

and sleepless night

envious of my husband

fast asleep

in this crowded bed

dogs at our feet

but restless thoughts

won’t leave my head

so instead

i toss and turn

and fill my mind

with all but dreams

with hope

and regrets

with worries

and queries

and Italian drills

punctuated by clattering

down in the street

and still troubled lungs

that heave and squeak

so absurd

thoughts retreat!

for all i want to do

is sleep

my reflection

my reflection is a liar

it conspires

with my years

it tortures like an enemy

for what i see

brings tears

the sagging skin

the lips so thin

the lines around my eyes

the greying hair

the glow not there

does not reflect inside

for if it did you’d see me there

more beautiful than ever

more confident

much more content

and really rather clever

but the mirror likes to taunt me

likes to haunt me

with this figure

growing wider

cannot hide her

menopause the ugly trigger

yet I wouldn’t trade a single thing

and wish the clock reversed

i do not long for days of youth

for that would be perverse

each year has made me stronger

made me bolder

made me me

I would not give a wrinkle back

unsettling as it seems

my reflection is an honest friend

whose truth is often heavy

yet this weight i can bear

for the me right here

when not my own worst enemy

dark spring

a beautiful thing

this glory of spring

til dark descended

untold truths

foolhardy youth

false love defended

fragile pride

fear as its guide

lies unattended

seizing spring

song silencing

kind heart upended

feeds on the weak

manhandles meek

such bitter fruit tended

but truth is sought

hate does as taught

on this dependent

hope must in stead

look seasons ahead

to well-lit paths contended

the bells

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

another day the bells announce

that someone else has gone

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

three seconds pass between each chime

of this voiceless, gloomy song

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

reminding me so frequently

that life’s not very long

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

must make the most of what i’ve got

before the got has gone

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

persists inside my mind

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

when will the tolls be mine?

except no bells will ring for me

no priest will speak my name

no body will be carried forth

to rot in some marked grave

just as the notes that disappear

when all the bells have calmed

thoughts of me will likely be

forgotten before long

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

she prays

she prays a lot

feels all she’s got

to change her lot

sadly

and radio gospel

being screamed

it just sounds mean

frankly

praying for miracles

one-stop cures

for living the same life

daily

desperate to change me

insists i start praying

only jesus is going to

save me

intentions heartfelt

but her home is awash

with habitual mayhem

disharmony

‘cause nothing but prayer

desperate grasping at air

will get you nowhere

most assuredly 

and why must i pray

when i strive everyday

to live this brief life

mindfully 

while she prays a lot

certain it’s all she’s got

ignoring the truth of it

blindly

but i take it in stride

got nothing to hide

and nothing to prove

really

I’ll lend a kind ear

bear laughter through tears

be a friend being me

quite naturally

the curmudgeon

he’s a difficult man

well known through the town

an unfriendly coot

with a permanent frown

daily seen in a terrible mood

short-tempered

offending

unflinchingly rude

living just feet

from the door to his life

witness to the grumbling

he makes of his life

i can also attest

to the flash of his smile

to his generous nature

(when not being vile)

It takes very little

to stir up a fuss

to feel the sharp sting

of this old sourpuss

yet being good neighbors

to his sort in the past

we found simple kindness

sweetens sour moods fast

it doesn’t take much

to shed light on the dark

to simply accept

that there’s bite and there’s bark

that below the rough surface

all calloused and dry

beats a sensitive heart

lives a pretty nice guy

so i try to turn cheek

to his commonplace gripes

to the misplaced resentment

he’s let run his life

a constant reminder

how to live and let live

to accept what we can

and to give what we give

The Baroness

I caught a glimpse

through the old green shutters 

of the big stone villa 

just off the piazza

heading to the dusky streets

to join the others

in search of reprieve

from the unyielding sun

from the infernal heat,

with dogs at our feet,

anxious to move.

Maria sat alone

on a comfortless chair

pushed against a tall wall

in one of two rooms 

of the many-roomed villa

where she now resides;

motionless

like loneliness 

perched on a chair

in a small stuffy room

of the once grand manor

all but abandoned

save for Maria.

aware of each other

through the old green shutters

of the big stone villa

just off the piazza

i turned from the scene

an unwitting intruder

as Maria stepped forward

and closed the slats

of the old green shutters

shutting out the street

her neighbors

my notice

the night

relief.

The Baroness

(i heard her called)

in quiet 

cloistered

retreat.

from up here

i like to listen

from a comfortable spot

one floor up

above the rituals

convivials

the sounds still strange

against the quiet of the woods

where we long lived

wildlife sounds

now daily drowned

by the buzz and the grind

and the being of humans being

the doing and noisemaking

the taking and giving

the incessant chapters

of our daily living

some days, I like to stay where I am

onlooker

simply listening in

while others, when the heart knows best

to be in some part

part of the rest

of life down there on aged streets

beaten and still beating

yet I prefer the quiet above

where I listen to the rhythm

which begins before dawn

sputtering its first beats

persistant

perpetual

life is so predictable

in this everday town

moving with the light

to find a spot that suits me right

for thinking

for creating

the days of just enduring

connecting times and lives

like single notes

of a singular song

which floats up and in

to the quiet within

to where I sit and wonder

how these daily strains

sound against the tune I sing

the notes I bring

if anything

from living

root

roots winding

between the potholes 

and the patches 

over many imperfections 

and alien frustrations

simple wants for most

then simply getting on

tradition haunts 

this tranquil place

of life out of doors

of milder days

of voices singing

like no one’s listening

like the whole world’s listening

familiar faces 

dot shadowed streets

branching outward

yet firmly planted

in stone layered places

with telltale traces

and sometimes open gates

where we long to peek

into still-life courtyards

and mostly quiet lives

shaped by sonorous voices 

upending the peace

with a whistle

a greeting

an impious burst

generous and guileless

connecting us

helping branches daily lengthen

roots strengthen

here bedded center

mid the measures 

and the layers

still life

in the mid-day hush

unmeasured steps sound sharp

against the old stone walls

down wall-to-wall streets

empty

quieted

with the afternoon’s retreat

such solace here

in the daily lull

in the whispering breeze

in the shutters closed

and the silence within

haunting the village

while most in repose

knocks and creaks

sole company sought

midst aromas entwined

with unquiet thoughts

smoky

savory

sweet

give comfort when the mind is weak

none but a pensive cat upon a wall

will fix its eyes upon the passing

until a corner turned

intruders in this still life

begin fading

Castaway

the view from the window begins to change

from tidy, green plots bound by old stone walls

to countless streets, crammed and confined

swarming

clattering

unsettling the mind

excited and antsy to explore different spots

to stroll past the shops, savor new delights

to feel the tempo of a city, tangled with possibilities

populated

sophisticated

drifting as a castaway through its gritty complexities

the fashionable women and chic boutiques

the trendy cafes and stark, urban scenes

past the homeless on corners and downturned eyes

commotion

congestion

the traffic fumes rise

nothing but a stranger here

nameless face in faceless crowds

intriguing to get lost in, but longing to get out

ill at ease

now fatigued

the lure no longer about

all my thoughts now turn to home

to sweet-smelling air and generous smiles

a small, happy cog in a small town’s life

well-embraced

treasured place

simple pleasures, quiet life

eager to finish the business at hand

we grab a quick bite we don’t normally have

and pick up our pace as we aim for the station

for home

to roam

our small town salvation

Autumn days

autumn

stirs 

comforts 

nurtures me

frees me to find serenity

in the waning daylight

and cool, quiet nights

where the autumns of my youth 

in my autumnal mind

live comfortably 

midst blazing yellows, oranges and reds

set against sullen, gray skies

midst morning fogs

and melancholy thoughts

soon rising 

to meet the falling leaves


autunno

si agita

comodità

mi nutre

mi libera per trovare serenità

nella luce del giorno calante

e notti fresche e tranquille

dove gli autunni della mia giovinezza

nella mia mente autunnale

vivere comodamente

mezzi ardenti gialli, arancioni e rossi

sullo sfondo di cieli cupi e grigi

in mezzo alle nebbie mattutine

e pensieri malinconici

presto in aumento

per incontrare le foglie che cadono

walks with you

what would I do

without walks with you

where would I be

without you next to me

each step we take

leaves in its wake

the darkness

daily haunting

each fragrant flower

each passing hour

in silence

no words wanting

the air smells sweet

but can’t compete

with walking by your side

the roads are long

stone walls so strong

but not like you and I

when my mood’s black

aches in my back

i take your hand in mine

and head out down

some well-worn path

to find myself again

where would i be

sans you and me

putting miles upon our feet

wondering

wandering

quietly thundering

with you at my side

i’m complete

Guilt

so powerful

so sorrowful

such nonsense

yet invincable

errors made

dues thought paid

likes to haunt

my nights and days

two daughters

lives still very new

for me to say

it’s all on you

brings guilt

each day

from miles away

i feel the pull

should we have stayed

though unfulfilled

with life that way

do they feel i ran away?

a mother now lies

in the grave

cause in my care

i finally caved

turned broken back

on promises made

life with sister

not a fit

six months passed

and that was it

eternal guilt

refusing to fade

choices chosen

choices made

friendships gone

that lasted years

cut the lines

shed the tears

some returned

some stayed lost

some great change

comes at great cost

have i lived a selfish life

could i be a better wife

better mother

better friend

better giver

all around

guilt weighs heavy

on my heart

i wish that it

and i

could part

but guilt’s

not going anywhere

it’s like a heavy cloak

i wear

wish that i

could cast it off

forget my failures

ignore the loss

free myself

from its great weight

seek more love

release self-hate

fuck off!, guilt

i’d like to scream

rip off that cloak

tear at its seams

i’ve done the best

i could have done

imperfect world

imperfect one

maybe the years

will lessen the load

free me from guilt

fuck off, as it’s told

but for now

i’ll carry it forth

try to do better

remember self-worth

and seek a life focused

away from such hurt

Salento Skies

the me I see

ever shifting

like a Salento sky

in winter

promising

bright

fair

light

then winds shift

and blue

turns gray

thoughts turn cloudy

rain dismay

the me I feel

ever altered

falters

like an ancient olive tree

sick with disease

yet green

still growing

from gnarled base

willful

to keep living

keep creating

ignore

the ills

outwit self-hating

know that winds

will soon reveal sun

bid fair

clear the air

better days

new ways

to nurture the soul

mend the me

if just for a spell

knowing well

clouds will gather again

time unrelenting

bad stretches ahead

blow winds

blow

bring more good days

instead

enough to yield fruit

from the mind’s

new shoots

arising

from the twisted roots

the glow of grim

the pallid grey glow

makes everyone look sickly

rickety

empty and unnatural

i feel peevish

when it shines on me

and turns my mood irascible

un-affable

as i walk down the streets

whether here

or whether there

i can see its ugly pallor

be a glow too many share

its glare from within

what a sin

to shine upon so many

to light

but then oppress

an artificial beacon

beaming down on all inside

i’d rather hide

within the darkness

most sincere

naught but real

than to feel the ugly glow

fluorescent light

upon my brain

upon my skin

sadness surely made this light

illuminating

grim

luminous

efficient

yet poison for the soul

for the whole

for one’s peace of mind

i long to see fluorescent lights

forever dim

and let the world

glow warm again

roadside pirates

the wheel of my bike

hits a hole in the old road

rattling my bag

like a sack of old bones.

the day’s ample booty

makes me feel giddy

we scavenged so much

the bikes now feel heavy

but the clouds keep the sun

from its onerous heat

and the wind gives enough

to move on down the street

to search old stone walls

and piles of debris

for the past and the pieces

of the people by the sea

fragments of lives

lay atop and within

the walls made of stone

made of sweat, made by kin

bits of old plates

shards from a bowl

a pitcher’s large handle

what tales might they tell

what struggles, what triumphs

lives lost and loves gained

when these bits were once whole

was there joy, was there pain

some fragments so dear

you can see the repairs

did it break someone’s heart

when it ended up here

were they glad to be rid

of the once stylish tile

making way for the new

adding more to the pile

the strange looks we get

from the people who pass

as we dig through the garbage,

the rocks, and the glass

all most of them see

are scraps and old stones

what Kurt and I see

is the art in its bones

each fragment a part

of a tale to unfold

each remnant, each color

some new and some old

new life will soon rise

from these pirated parts

new days to be loved

old love to make art

into the blue

i sink into the sea

into the clear

into the blue

into the me

feel the rocks

below my feet

float in salt

dive down

dig deep

watch the life

the world beneath

swim and scatter

close to me

patches of cold

a watery breeze

surrounding

rebounding

brings comfort

release

stroke by stroke

mind at peace

pains disappear

in the waves

in the sea

drift on my back

let the surf

be the guide

feel salt on my skin

on my lips

in my eyes

still as death

yet so alive

speck in the sea

a blip

in the tide

no matter

what i’ve done

no matter

what i aught

just floating

just swimming

just being

and naught

i sink into the sea

into the clear

into the blue

into the me

Nearness

At our last home, on the side of a hill

the banter of neighbors was sometimes heard

yet dialogues were ever obscured

in mostly muffled, faraway words

Life’s so incredibly different here

in our small Salento town

where mostly open, shuttered doors

carry inside noises out

i’m an accidental eavesdropper

an undercover side-taker

unwittingly impacted

by next-door behaviour

hearing radios and tvs

and whistling when they’re pleased

hearing sobbing, hearing coughing

fret when angry, smile when laughing

happy medleys and cadenced words

a thundering thought, a mournful dirge

conveyed down narrow, cobbled streets

where public and private publicly meet

unwittingly entangled

emotionally ensnared

caught in the middle by an empathetic ear

learning to decipher our new life here

all the strong Italian voices

like a never ending opus

is how each day now greets us

amuses and entreats us

i hear the cafes open up

and people gather round

cafe bottles being rattled

day’s end shutters coming down

i hear dishes being done

and laundry being hung

i hear babies weep for mother

doggies barking at each other

there’s Magda, the parrot, in the center of town

the outdoor mass droning on and on

high heels click-clacking along the street

the town’s eery silence in the mid-day heat

i listen to people returning at night

parents and teens in ubiquitous fights

church bells and car horns, vendors in trucks

scooters and Api and loud motor bikes

i listen to people outside on their phones

as signals are zero inside their old homes

local curmudgeons talk sweet to the strays

old men with walkers bemoan better days

frequent fireworks, far too loud

are also now familiar sounds

though i prefer the young rapper below

filling the air with hip-hop flow

At first, the sounds unsettled me

hearing others’ lives weighed heavily

being covetous of my privacy

the introvert tried to take hold of me

yet I adapt as the weeks depart

the town’s special rhythm now beats in my heart

I’m comforted by a familiar voice

cheered by streets full of music and noise

i like to hear the telephones ring

i love to hear my neighbors’ sing

even the Tom cats’ pre-dawn brawls

seem to offer solace now

the more I listen every day

the strangeness of nearness gets further away

the closer i am and feel i belong

to Castrignano’s close-knit song

Age

age is a number

fearing age, an illusion

youth-seekers, obtrusive

mirrors, delusions

thinking beauty is lost

each year that we live

fleeting youth so hard fought

when there’s much more to give

self-esteem early taught

in a physical realm

with my mother, a beauty,

ever taking the helm

of the ship that would form

my view of self worth

which valued itself

in my physical girth

at nearly aged 60

the shadow is long

i see in all photos

this weakness still strong

seeing wrinkles and sagging

a stranger’s odd face

which tells me my mind

doesn’t fit in this place

on-line life ever preaching

to be what we’re not

fruits far too low reaching

trashing all that we’ve got

but here’s the thing

here’s what i see

each scar, each furrow

is the fabulous me

each blemish i show

are unvalued gems

knowing all that i know

that i didn’t know then

the picture you see

may not be what you like

but the picture you see

is a portrait of life

something i’m proud of

something finely eclectic

because youth might be pretty

but with years i’ve perfected

void of all bullshit

that’s devoid of true light

my skin might be looser

but my mind is all might

i’m fiery and peaceful

mindful and bright

i can see through the fools

always keep love in sight

i know who i am

i’m who i should be

i’m formidable

and significant

and content to be me

Kind

some humans

really break my heart

when the openhand i give

is never enough

i offer them shelter

from woes that they face

then they take and they take

from this generous place

instead of love and kindness

they repay with strife

always feeling cheated

in their mishandled life

always blaming givers

when the giving stops

always feel the gifts they get

are simply not enough

you’d think i’d learn my lesson

from the thankless folks I’ve met

still thirsty when the well runs dry

is all that they regret

you’d think i’d be more bitter

from the heartache that they bring

instead i curl into a ball

and cry myself to sleep

and with each dawn

new hope is born

and something heals my heart

a passing smile

a helping hand

to lift me from the dark

someone to remind me

there’s no end to being kind

it’s who I am

and who I’ll be

until the end of time.

Too Hot

oh this heat

makes me feel

like a chunk

of molten rock

cause damn, it’s hot

too hot for dogs

roads scorching paws

it’s way too hot

plants on the roof

wilt leaf to root

cause it’s so hot

pigeons from church

splash in dogs’ water dish

poor things are hot

even a breeze

offers little relief

it’s just as hot

cats hide in the shade

even kids won’t play

cause fun it’s not

the piazza’s deserted

espresso rejected

it’s far too hot

forecasts are gloomy

like sweat sticking to me

hot days won’t stop

take a ride on my bike

not in this torrid life

that gal, I’m not

a short, little stroll

beads gather, sweat falls

it’s fucking hot

serpentining down streets

seeking shade from the heat

but there it’s not

gonna stay here inside

cause there’s nowhere to hide

like it or not

cussing the sun

even after it’s down

it’s still too hot

there’s no release

when all round keeps heat

cause hot is hot

forests burning, people dying

warning signs they keep denying

it’s too damn hot

the world is on fire

like an effigy pyre

it’s hellishly

horribly

hot.

Chicken Broth and Pastina

Turning into our alley,

we pass the tiny courtyard

with the old, green, metal gate

next to our front staircase

where Esperanza hangs the day’s wash

and keeps the door to her kitchen open

to let in what breezes blow,

to let out the heat from the stove,

and to release whatever aromas rise

from preparing the midday meal.

Today

it smells of my childhood,

and all at once, I’m at Nonna’s.

The doors of the paneled elevator have opened

and I’m racing a sibling

straight down the quiet, carpeted hallway,

past dark, stained doors

with small brass peepholes

and hanging welcome wreaths

(dreary and dull

and not very welcoming),

toward the last door on the left.

I can smell it

prior to reaching it

and already know what treat lies ahead

before I hear her delighted squeal

and slippered feet

skittering from the kitchen

to answer the doorbell’s strange, loud warble.

Today

Esperanza has summoned a favorite –

chicken broth and pastina,

with heaping spoonfuls of grated Parmesan

which soon will be melting at the bottom of the bowl

and sticking to my spoon,

and making me happy beyond measure.

Especially when offered seconds

from the old, green-enameled saucepan,

worn and stained,

and ever filled with savory Italian delights

from Nonna’s tiny, talented hands.

The familiar aroma –

the familial aroma

makes the scorched day feel light

feel right

and makes Italy feel more like home.

Midday Ave

Holy Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,
now and in the hour of our death.
Amen.
~ Ave Maria prayer

As dependable as the midday church bells chiming, the radio goes on in the kitchen across the way.

The program begins with a clarinet solo of Franz Schubert’s famous song (originally titled, “Ellens Gesang III, or Ellen’s Third Song”), but now most commonly known as “Ave Maria”.

The clarinet is slow, steady, and rather sad; and after a few refrains, is joined by a quiet chorus of female voices – also slow, steady and rather sad – who bring us to the beginning of the program.

I can only assume the soft-spoken moderator – or holy host – is a nun (or at least sounds like what I can only hope a nun sounds like).

Blessed art thou among women.

And even though my Italian is not at a level of complete comprehension, I am able to understand that the gist of the daily docket is an advise format, sort of like the Catholics’ “Dear Abby”.

Folks from all over Italy write in for counsel on their personal and familial problems and she guides them with sisterly advise (mostly rosaries and prayers) to finding peace and resolve.

Pray for us sinners.

Everything about the radio program is done in an almost hushed tone and even though I don’t understand much of it – nor subscribe to any of it – the sounds soothe me as I sit near the window, reading or writing.

Until, like clockwork, the family next door gathers around the radio and kitchen table for their midday meal. From what I can construct from the voices (and whom I have seen coming and going), the clan consists of a husband, wife, brother, and hard-of-hearing, aged mother.

As the meal begins, the programme, as well as the food, seems to garner their attentions and keeps conversations to a minimum; while the radio host doles out a series of rather benign pieces of advise to her listeners and correspondents, such as “Listen to your brother.”

Blessed art though among women?

Inevitably, however, as the meal ends and plates are cleared and clatter in the sink, dialogues begin.

At first, they are usually brief exchanges, punctuated by occasional laughter or exaggerated superlatives (as Italians are apt to offer), yet what starts as innocuous and inoffensive soon – and inescapably (or so it appears) – escalates into something altogether ungodly.

The Lord is with Thee?

Already strong voices are now raised to such pitches as to shake dust from old crevices, and reverberate off the closely constructed neighborhood walls, blasting through the serene, midday pausa, like firecrackers in a church.

Heated.

Mean.

Unloving exchanges.

Usually ending in several, “Va fancullo!”, and a slamming door.

Such hurtful words being discharged daily to supposed loved ones.

Full of grace.

At first, I found their noontime routine shocking – probably more because of the sheer volume and close proximity (not having neighbors so near at hand for decades) – than the occurrence, itself.

Soon after, I found its precise regularity rather comical, especially due to its simultaneousness with the programme of peaceful prayer they are so committed to tuning into everyday.

Now and in our hour of death.

Nowadays, I still find it darkly amusing, but also incredibly disturbing that their terrible treatment of one other has become such a hardwired part of their lives that they are numb to its effect on each other, as well as all those living near them who have involuntarily become part of it.

So habitual have these brief but bitter battles become that almost as regularly, the brother (usually the nastiest, as well as the door slammer) returns to the fold a short time later, whistling a happy tune.

Even I have more or less numbed to it.

Pray for us sinners?

Can calmly set my inner clock to it.

Even knowing such exchanges have to cut deep.

And never have time to heal when each day they are reopened.

Re-spoken.

Reheard.

Just as repeatedly as the prayers on the radio.

Listened to no longer.

Now and in our hour of death.

And so tomorrow, at noon, the church bells will chime once more.

The radio will be turned on.

And the family will gather round the table.

To repeat the ritual.

Amen.

Queen of Spuds

She looked in the mirror and noticed a large pustule on the right side of her nose.

It hadn’t been there when she climbed into bed the night before, nor had there been the usual signs of its arrival.

Redness.

Irritation.

Swelling.

Nothing to warn her something was going to pop up.

But there it was, larger than a marble – and just as shiny – begging her to mess with it.

Relieve her face of its unsightly appearance.

Leaning into the bathroom mirror, she placed both index fingers on either side of the mass and with determination… squeezed.

Hard.

What issued forth did so with unexpected ease, but more surprising was the enormous amount of pus – if one could call it that – which oozed forth.

A pastry bag filled with mashed potatoes was the image she couldn’t shake, as an hellacious amount of creamy, white, semisolid goo continued to issue forth until she felt faint by the sight and sheer volume of it, and had to stagger out of the bathroom to steady herself by sitting on the edge of her bed.

“What the fuck was that?!”, she cried aloud.

For the first time in her life, she felt near hysterics.

“Calm yourself, woman. There is a simple explanation for what you saw – or think you saw.”

Closing her eyes, she lay back on the bed, hoping the last of the pus had erupted and that she would return to the mirror after a few deep, cleansing breaths, to find a small, raw, unsightly crevass – and nothing more – where the strange pustule had been.

“Just your average, everyday zit,” she laughed unconvincingly.

Steadying her breath, she opened her eyes and watched the ceiling fan above her spinning.

Normal.

She turned her head right to see her nightstand, piled high with books, and the alarm clock, which read 7:17 a.m.

Normal.

Turning her head left, toward the bathroom door, which was wide open, she could see a portion of the mirror where she couldn’t be sure whether she had just experienced the creepiest moment of her life, or quite possibly stood half-asleep, having not completely stirred herself awake from an outrageous nightmare.

Everything there appeared normal, so slowly raising herself, she sat up and was just about to stand when she looked down.

What she was seeing just wasn’t possible.

Her body shook violently, as she grabbed for her glasses on the nightstand, which only brought the grotesque site clearer into focus.

Her feet resembled nothing of the sort, but instead were clumps of earth with winding roots, tubers and stems – what she could only describe as a potato plant where her feet should have been.

She reached out, but stopped.

Instead, she attempted to wiggle her toes hoping the action would – as when your foot falls asleep – create a tingling sensation and wake her from this strange scene.

She watched the soil shift a bit as she set her entire being to the task, but she felt no tingle and her toes and feet remained indiscernible.

Shocked to silence, she stumbled to the bathroom, and sitting at the edge of the tub, began clawing at the clumps of dirt and tubers and leaves, but to no avail.

In fact, each time she did seemed to stimulate further growth.

An inner voice shrieked, “For god’s sake, then don’t use water!”

Grabbing a pair of hair scissors from the bathroom drawer, she looked down.

She was desperate to start cutting at the roots and runners.

To stab through the clumps of dirt.

To find her feet.

But the fear of cutting off her toes stopped her cold.

With the scissors still clenched in her right hand, she looked to her face just visible above the sink in the lower part of the mirror and, raising her left hand, she SLAPPED her left cheek as hard as she could.

“WAKE THE FUCK UP, ANNE! THIS ISN’T REALLY HAPPENING!”

But the sting on her cheek, and the red welt now rising on the side of her face, were telling an entirely different reality.

Sheer panic dug the scissors into the roots and soil below, but the more she stabbed and cut, the more the plant grew and wound further up her legs.

She dropped the scissors and feverishly began pulling at the expanding, sinuous roots, stolons and stems with her hands, now feeling their movement under her skin, climbing up her torso like a hundred, small snakes.

She pulled and pulled and pulled at the never ending plant, like a magician pulling the infinite handkerchief from his pocket – the sudden image of which sent her into frenetic bursts of laughter and tears.

“Somebody… help me,” she whimpered, still pulling at the potato plant now winding its way in and out and up her body as if this was now made of nothing but soft, accommodating earth in which to propagate.

By the time she reached the front door, it had wound around her neck, choking her pleas for help as she stumbled outside and into the front yard.

The dirt and the potatoes, the tangled roots and leafy stems, had become too much weight to bear and with a final gasp of “Why?”, which filled her mouth with earth, forward she fell with a heavy, earthen thump onto a patch of ground she had recently readied for a small vegetable garden

She didn’t know how much time had passed after her collapse – for time meant nothing now – before she heard footsteps through the dark and silence that entombed her.

Though muffled and distant at first, the voices were familiar, being those of her two best friends who had come by to borrow a picnic table for the barbecue they had all planned for that evening.

She struggled to move.

To speak.

To scream.

But as she did, she felt the roots wrap tighter.

Not getting a response to their knocking, her friends turned to leave, but not before spotting the enormous, fecund plant growing out of the garden patch, bearing so many potatoes they were bursting from the ground.

They looked to each other and smiled.

“She won’t mind if we take a few for the barbecue,” she heard one say.

“Of course not,” answered the other. “After all, she’ll be there to enjoy them.”

“Besides…” one of best friends continued, as she yanked at the large tubers erupting from the soil, “look how many there are!”

“Did you hear that?” she asked, holding a triumphant clump of potatoes clinging to a tangle of roots and dirt.

“Hear what?” the other replied.

“I swore I heard a scream,” she said uneasily.

“I didn’t hear a thing,” said the other as she turned and walked away. “I bet Anne will be really pleased that her potatoes will be a main part of dinner tonight.”

“I hope so,” said the potato-laden friend, who rose from the garden patch, but not before hearing a low, smothered whimper rising from the soil.

“It must be the heat,” she laughed to herself, leaving a trail of dirt, and a flicker of doubt, behind her.

she sat

she sat

all dressed in black

from her shoulders

to her shoes

only colors were her flowers

and the cat

she sat

each summer night

all alone

but smile in sight

house was tidy

tidy’s right

and that is that

with her chair

placed just outside

and another by her side

she sat

and hoped a friend

would stop on by

though so few of them remained

she longed to chat

not be alone

so she sat there

greeting every passerby

with her wide

and toothless grin

treating everyone

like kin

she sat

and watched the world

move to and fro

with some crochet in her lap

moving hands

this way and that

she sat

for there was no place

left to go

with a husband

in the grave

and her children gone away

she sat

reflecting back

upon it all

married fifty years

holding back

the salty tears

she knew

that even then

she felt alone

she sat

and thought some more

then her neighbor

from next door

brought some flowers

from her garden

and red wine

so she sat

that summer night

with a good friend

by her side

and she sighed

a tired sigh

for life that’s gone

breathing in

the perfumed air

she was happy

in her chair

for this is where

she sat

when all was done

The Dance

Hand in hand

they twist and turn

spinning

grinning

circling round

rhythm is of no concern

simple joy

is simply earned

music

make the people twirl

music

disregard the world

music

bring both young and old

music

make the timid bold

hand to shoulder

hand to waist

practiced steps

at practiced pace

bring a smile

to every face

set toes to tap

and minds to peace

music

make the people twirl

music

disregard the world

music

make us feel as one

different notes

for everyone

in a line

they move in sync

in a line

they coexist

let this world

be like a dance

where stepping on toes

is taking a chance

music

make the people twirl

music

reconnect the world

music

make each heart a verse

music

better even worst

let the ryhthm of life

be set to a song

which everyone knows

and dances along

which everyone sings

hitting good notes and bad

and when the tune ends

looking back

being glad

dance

when you don’t know the song

dance

when you don’t get along

dance

when you are down right tired

dance

when stuck fast in the mire

dance

and hold the nearest hand

dance

til legs no longer stand

and dance

dance

dance.

Daughters

My daughters

are my light

they are my day

my daughters

of two lights

that light my way

so very different

in every way

yet much the same

as night turns day

so much my truth

so much that’s right

one pained

but full of light

one old of soul

who seeks what might

one feels

what all should feel

one finds

what finds unreal

so proud

for each diverse

so strong

so much it hurts

I wonder

every day

what life

will bring their way

so proud

of what we made

so proud

of what they say

so deep

is what they feel

such truth

so fucking real

I thank

the skies above

for daughters

made from love

for who

they will become

for lights

they’re destined from

for all

they are right now

for all

they will bestow

my daughters

are my light

who bring me

to full sight

who make my life

seem right

who summon dawn

from my dark nights

whom I love

with all my might

for being all

and all

that’s right.

Perfumed Skies

The only time I recall the desert air coming alive

with sweet, earthy fragrances

was in the aftermath of the overdue monsoons

Truly giving and glorious

and something to be relished

with each softened step

across the terminally brutal terrain

but much to my annual dismay

far too fleeting

leaving me needing

So it comes as a welcome surprise

that my pointy nose has reawakened

to a constant wealth of otherworldly aromas

here in the heel between two seas

here in our small, Italian town

where the houses touch

and voices travel

and vegetable gardens vastly outnumber shops

where hearth fires still burn well into spring

to warm the dark, old interiors

and cook the day’s big meal

scenting the air with homey fragrances

and happy thoughts

Strolling down narrow streets

and country lanes

flanked by fertile patchworks

green, yellow and red

purple, blue and white

past tidy ranks of olive trees

holding hidden bounties

past plentiful citrus trees

burdened by their unpicked generosity

bursting yellow

passing ancient grapevines wrapped around rickety trellises

hovering over well-tended courtyards

and fields where wildflowers grow uninterrupted

filling the breezes with sweet, syrupy perfumes

we find ourselves continuously smiling

and stopping

to suck in the air

Tired by my years

but grateful to be here

where farmers leave respectful wild patches

in otherwise tilled fields

and still farm things by hand

by heart

by instinct

It’s good to watch the tomato seedlings grow

in their straight as arrows rows

Close witness to nature’s abundance

in the careful care of each small farm

Growing taller, wider, stronger

day by day

just steps from field to market to table

to our sated bellies

and our simple, quiet lives

beneath these perfumed skies.

The Battle

i daily mourn

the friendships lost

in finding myself

by pulling away

when i lacked strength

to face each day

when i felt sick

with each new dawn

where love was lost

and lines were drawn

when i felt too much

in feeling neglected

when much had been taken

but never respected

i wielded a sword

and cut through the pain

with swift mighty strikes

again and again

and with each blow

i severed ties

which bound me to

a weighty life

of trying to do

what i thought was expected

of living in fear of being rejected

of balancing egos

including my own

of building a house

where all felt at home

but when i had finished

and my battle was won

where once stood an army

i now saw was none

grateful for those

who stayed strong in the fray

whose love was a shield

which i raised everyday

but now that i’ve triumphed

within and without

the death blows have filled me

with guilt

and with doubt

that some of my victims

might just have been saved

if i hadn’t been armed

with such sadness and rage

but here i must stand

in the wake of it all

in the place i have come

in the peace and the still

wondering

whether some dead might still rise

wondering

if i could – or should –

seek a reprise

worried

that if i hold out a new hand

backwards i’ll tumble

and backwards i’ll land

or if seeking new ties

after cutting the old

the old friends i seek

will prove bitter and cold

so here i will lay

in the dark before dawn

in the still of the night

in the dark of my thoughts

all weapons now stowed

for i have no more fight

i will lie in my bed

i will look for the light

trusting that time

might just show me the way

trusting myself to have faith everyday

that the battle hard fought

had its reason and marrow

that the pain and the death

helped me reach for tomorrow

Troubled Beauty

Born in a storm in early spring
a troubled sign
for the trouble life would bring
mother and father too young to understand
life there
and beyond
their native heartland
but it would reach them
teach them
with lessons far spreading
soon shedding the ties
and tearing their lives
in half

one to the corps to build bridges and roads
one, with two girls, to the far western coast.
unaided
mind troubled
before long, problems doubled
and life on the streets was soon home
a mom and two girls
all alone
while families turned their steely eyes
on this sad little trio
struggling to survive.

scenes etched in a young mind forever
and who could really blame her.

too much time had passed
a year in an orphanage was next
then her father’s family finally came
to take the girls back home again
leaving their mom to fend for herself
all taken
foresaken
to stumble alone
ever shaken.

as each day passed her beauty grew
though young and naive
this she knew
and would brandish it
like a weapon
even when it turned on her
stirring nasty men with their nasty intentions.

her beauty without
would inspire within
a will to escape the land of her kin
so she left.
at sixteen years she packed a bag
boarded a train
refashioned her name
and set sights on the Windy City
where she could pretend to be someone else
where the pain and the who of the young girl’s past
might get lost in the crowds of the city.
little did she know
it would haunt her to and fro
for the scars were deep and gritty.

yet she molded herself
into someone else
aloof,
high-minded,
and driven.
her beauty soon led to some success
with misgivings deliberately hidden
behind high fashion clothes
fancy new cars
and a smile that was ever beguiling
while the child within
fists always clenched
was always
always
fighting.

ever frightened to lose all she gained
for loss and fear were well ingrained
she never felt true satisfaction.
yet her beauty grew more mesmerizing
and her heart was ever trying
and her mind was ever reeling
ever learning
ever seeing
the world in such a special way
making people love her
though she kept them distant
day after day
after day
after day.

in a life that was filled with choices
there were so many dark, disturbed voices
which often spoke louder than others.
trust was a stranger
she questioned all angles
and often found solace in shallow rewards
in monied, depthless people
whom she deemed her equals
but those people were simply cowards
hiding in their golden towers
holding their lives above all
eager to see others fall
and she fell.

fell for a dreamer.
fell for a schemer.
fell for the trappings –
broken promises in shiny wrappings.
for a man she could never truly trust.
for a man who put her love below lust.
and the more that was taken
the stronger her obsession
with things that looked good on the surface
but offered no healing
no purpose.

five children she saw as her greatest success
she preened them and nurtured
the way she thought best
but the nest was so fragile
built of gossamer twigs
perched on flimsy branches
rocked by changing winds.
protecting illusions with stubborn pretention
and guarding the nest with utter resentment
she hid behind conceit
doing what she deemed was right
high walls built on fiction
with ever-present friction
and behind them we thrived
at least for a time
for troubled beauty was our teacher
often hard to truly reach her
the less I understood
the more I tried.
there, though not always present
our beautiful, troubled guide
ignoring the unquiet ghosts
shunning the unresolved pain
always running from her beginnings

and clenching her fists to the end.

Grief

It cut through the cool, quiet afternoon

with such intense clarity

that both the dogs and I stopped in our tracks

to look in the direction from where it came.

A woman’s voice

loud

low

anguished

cried out from a big house

down a small street

at the edge of town.

I knew almost instantly

it was not a cry for help

because I had rattled my own walls very recently

with similar sounds

when news of my mother’s death reached me

and I was forced to face it alone

thousands of miles from what once was home.

Instinctively I wanted to move toward her sorrow

offer comfort

offer company

but I knew such new pain

needed to be tempered with solitude

tears

time to process

and purge.

I looked up and down the streets

for someone

anyone

who might have heard her wails

and shared my heartache

as helpless witness

to such profound sadness.

But no one was about

just the dogs and me

and I suddenly felt intrusive

and newly stricken by my recent loss,

so on we moved

each step ushering its own fresh tears

coming stronger and stronger

as the sounds of her fierce despair

faded into the distance.

Her pain

is now entwined with mine

two unacquainted mourners

ever connected in our losses

in our sorrows.

Each time I pass her street

and recall her suffering

I feel her presence

(though a stranger to mine)

and am trusting time

has eased her pain

her tears

the grief.

Sleep

Sleep evades me

sleep can’t save me

toss and turns me

makes me taut

choices made

outcomes shade

any happiness I’ve saught

life has a way

on too many days

of kicking me to the ground

ever impatient

tired of waiting

for all i think I’ve earned

not seeing clearly

what to hold most dearly

is the life already found

but here’s the thing

what nightime brings

is darkness full of doubts

did my impatience

invite trepidation

which attends me all night long

sleep evades me

sleep won’t save me

from this recurring haunt

that my willful, skillful selfness

forces herculean lessons

yet leaves me lonely, feeling helpless

for this false and mean obsession

needing things a certain way

will beat me up day after day

and tear my tender heart in two

keeping me further from the truth

but i keep trying

no more lying

that I’m understanding all

one year older

no more closer

to making the unfettered call

second-guessing

always messing

with the good of status quo

ever searching

ever lurching

toward the things I do not know

sleep evades me

sleep won’t save me

from the choices that I make

so I’ll write it

best not to fight it

take the give

and give the take

Tick

tick

tick

tick

time stands still and I feel sick

tick

tick

tock

will this waiting ever stop

tears

tears

tears

months of realizing fears

so much

on my

own

never felt so all alone

minutes

hours

days

in an unaccustomed place

words

ways

when

can my life begin again

high

low

lone

toughest time I’ve ever known

green

yellow

blue

trying hard to learn things new

thought this all would be a breeze

but it’s brought me to my knees

there’s a lesson to be found

but for now it’s not around

just this feeling of confinement

set adrift with no alignment

it’s just me here when I wake

dogs don’t count ‘cause they can’t speak

I know the end

is in my sight

it’s days away

so hold on tight

take a walk

release self-pity

parla italiano

explore the city

know the clock

continues to click

just be patient

tick

tick

tick

Voices

Such strange, new sounds

that play upon my ears

replacing feral voices

I’d listened to for years

the barking of Coyotes

as they finally made their kill

Horned Owls hoot-hoot-hooting

from a tree just down the hill

Gambel’s Quails whose numbers

cheeped and chittered from the scrub

a conspiracy of Ravens

as they swooped from up above

now it’s mostly voices

of my fellow human beings

such an odd array of noises

and emotions that they bring

voices raised in anger

voices raised in song

cracking voices of the aged

lilting voices of the young

mothers calling children home

neighbors spreading tattle

cafe crowds who raise a cheer

when the local team does battle

men with big loudspeakers

on the roofs of their old cars

pitching their promotions

which I find a bit bizarre

church bells which routinely chime

but never seem to tell the time

motor bikes and beeping horns

barking dogs of every form

those that whistle, those who cry

new voices heard from far and nigh

I often sit and contemplate

this sound-filled world I hear

I find in it some comfort

yet I find it in my fears

of days ahead with noises

most of the peopled kind

when my solace in the past

was saught in nature’s hushed divine

where when I walked I often heard

just footsteps and the wind

now when I walk down ancient streets

I’m forced out from within

adding to the daily noise

that fills the town with sound

greeting my new neighbors

and adapting all around

praying for my writer’s voice

amidst the village chatter

hoping that the noise without

will spur the words that matter

The Stray

He wanders about

determined

to let the whole town know

he’s there

with his loud, mournful cry

both in the dark

and in the daylight

sounding like a wind-up siren

winding down –

low

and slow –

amplified by narrow lanes

and tall, stone walls.

A sorrowful aria

of life on the streets

in this southern village

where the streets

are a cat’s life.

The white of his orange and white fur

is grey

and his face shows scars

from fighting for his place

and food the townfolk leave

in front of markets and homes

on rooftops and walls.

Earning such keep

keeping rodents at bay

among the many ruins.

Among the decay.

Belonging to none

except the pitch black feline

he’s permitted to mount

and nap near

neath parked cars in the piazza.

When I hear his cry

I sigh

and want to take him in.

But his feral ways

would not find their place

indoors

or in my arms

from which he bolts

when we meet on the roof

and in the streets.

But now and then

when our eyes meet

he lingers

and calls out

to let me know

he sees me as well.

In the Shadows

In the shadows is where you’ll find me

bind me

remind me

of who I am

in the darkness is where you’ll hear me

fear me

wear me

like a heavy cloak of black

all connected

never protected

from the errors I have made

alone and quiet

tears won’t hide it

but I’ll cry them anyway

in a life of always trying

always judging my own ways

I see the shadows lengthen

while my strength they take away

but in between the darkness

I seek light and silhouettes

of what I’ve been

and where to go

outlined by past regrets

ever changing

ever raging

ever set within my mind

always seeking

always dreaming

always trying to be kind

the shadows cast a figure

I don’t like to recognize

when the figure

dim and brooding

casts its dark upon my eyes

I try to keep them moving

toward the light found up ahead

stretching forward

looking awkward

hoping truth lies there instead

and when the light begins to fade

and shadows disappear

I hide within the black of night

I languish in the fear

of one day looking out

to watch my shadow disappear

The Forgotten Man

rusty and neglected

among the thorns

and tall, wild grass

stands the marker of a man

long since passed

a sorrowful reminder

of all life that comes and goes

of the life some might remember

and soon no one will know

no one to tend the marker

none to remember the man

no one to even notice

the monument at hand

I pass it nearly everyday

and wonder who he was

to warrant such an epitaph

to earn such a tribute of love

and then to be forgotten

at a corner where no one stops

in front of an ugly chain link fence

midst trash and weeds and rocks

decomposing a little more each day

like a body in a grave

none to recall the forgotten man

was he good

was he loving

was he brave

what would he think

of his sad, unkempt shrine

and what would I say

if this pillar was mine

such things are for the living

such things not meant to stand

such tokens of such fleeting days

won’t remember the forgotten man

Town Life

when all is dark

and the clouds open up

and the winds begin to blow

the streets of my little town empty of life

at least the life I’ve known

but then I sit and listen

to another force take form

rising from rooftops

rising from the storm

rising from the cobblestones

and unlatched, metal gates

the town which seems devoid of life

begins to animate

the metal caps on old smokestacks

sing their clattering songs

the shutters and blinds of vacant homes

prompt spirits of their own

a battered, old cat in search of food

wails a sorrowful tune

the ebb and flow of the rain and the wind

beget a mournful mood

the gutters gush down ancient walls

the puddles turn to pools

incited by the raindrops

and lamplights burning true

shadows of towering trees

dance like ghosts in the gusts

shaking their limbs in a ghoulish jig

fevered and frantic and rushed

yet as the clouds go on their way

and pools disappear down the drains

the soul of the town is hushed again

by the calamity

by the humanity

by the dawn of another day

Morning Walk

I grumble when I rise

in this new routine I find

of having to leash the dogs

and head outside.

No more opening doors

having always been free to explore

and do their business

without any help of mine.

So on the leashes go

before the coffee brews

and out into the narrow streets

now home.

Smoke from chimneys hovers low

the smell of it

lifts spirits below

while pleasant thoughts soon rise

with the early sun.

And on we wend

through the aged, shadowed alleys

past tiny cars and crumbling walls

by well-fed, feral cats and barking dogs

who hear our jingly approach

and let it be known to all.

Life behind the shutters

has begun to stir

and the sounds of life within

all heard

dissuade me from feeling too alone

while my husband wraps things up

where once was home.

Passing walls of gathered stone

and garden patches in verdant rows

the dogs seek out every, single smell

while continually adding their own.

Happy to be lost in the ancient grid

of unworked fields and olive trees

of derelict lots

and well-tended hearths

I have little worry

of my place on earth

and finding our way back

to anticipated treats

to coffee

and to home.

Click. Clack.

Click.

Clack.

Each step he takes

with a cane in both hands

to steady his gait.

He can hardly see.

Doesn’t hear too well.

Yet several times a day

he’s determined to go.

Clicking and clacking

on his measured pilgrimage.

No matter where

but curious

where the old man heads.

Can’t help but admire

that he just goes.

Click.

Clack.

Determined and slow.

Circling the piazza,

he rests at the cafe,

where he sits with his friends

for much of the day.

And then

Click.

Clack.

he shuffles to his door.

But a couple hours later

Click.

Clack.

He totters off once more.

The Whistler

Well before the sun appears

in the dark

in the dew

in the quiet of pre-dawn

I hear a man whistling

a happy tune

as it echoes off the ancient walls.

Who whistles,

I think as I lay in bed,

at such a time of day?

But the happy song

he whistles that morn

blows my question away.

I smile and listen as he makes his way

from bin to bin to bin,

marvelling at his utter joy

for the simple job he’s in.

If only all of us could feel

the happy this fellow seems

each morning that he puckers his lips

and starts his day with a tune.

The Shoe

he stood there

at the side of the road

tapping his toes

waiting

for something to happen

something to change

someone to come

frustrating

but you can’t just stand

at the edge of the street

tapping your feet

hesitating

at the side of the road

with no where to go

with nothing to do

fading

either cross and move on

or turn back home

cause it’s easier there in the shadows

but he couldn’t decide

so he stood there and sighed

waiting and waiting and waiting

until all that remained

at the side of the road

was a worn out, old shoe

decaying

standing alone

beaten down by a life

of nothing but procrastinating

shadows

will you see my shadow in the grass when i’m gone

will it move and stretch in the mid-day’s sun

will it disappear in the shrouds of the junipers’ limbs

will you see it in the changing light of all that’s been

will you hear my words in the strong, spring gusts

or catch remnants of my footsteps in the Arizona dust

will the love i tried to nurture here go unfed

will the times i felt i failed you ever leave my head

will the moments that i gave so freely of my heart

be a warm, welcome memory, or lost within the dark

of selfish wants of worthless things

which made us forget the bounty love brings

i will look for your shadow in the change that lies ahead

i will listen for your laughter and will think of you my friend

and if you see my shadow roaming through the neighborhood

i hope you smile and recollect that all that was, was good

This House

This house

now weighs heavy on my heart

where once was light

we nurtured from the dark;

where when we moved ourselves

within these walls,

neighbors turned to friends

and friends turned all.

Where varied folk

met on this dusty road

and found a kinship

worth a weight in gold.

But years have passed

and seeds have scattered

and once things did,

but now don’t matter.

Cause when the world

was forced to shift,

what was once,

no longer fit.

And as the view

began to change

and i unchained

the new within,

these walls –

this world –

became a cage

guarded by a new found rage

of my own making.

And it started me thinking.

Now new worlds lie in wait.

My love and I

can feel the weight

lifting

and roots

shifting.

And this,

our beautiful home,

our past,

lovingly

and finally,

releasing.

Dad

The doctor’s last count was seven.

Each stroke leaving in its wake

a little less Dad.

Less motivation.

Less vision.

Less presence.

Then he lost his license.

So Dad just sat.

Eventually losing sight

of all that made him tick.

Gave him purpose.

He was good at.

I watched the frustration

when things weren’t clicking

in his once playful eyes,

in his quick and clever mind,

and quietly mourned

the lengthening shadow

that would smother such strong light;

turning weaknesses upon himself,

and others.

The shadow strengthened,

as the once powerful figure

could no longer focus.

Spent the days crying.

The nights wandering.

His underpants,

soiling.

Conversations were now repetitions,

driven by a series of questions

he’d ask again and again

and again.

Always about family,

living and dead.

No steering away

from this endless thread.

But it’s all that remained

as he struggled for thoughts.

For words.

For himself.

The bygone body, swaggering and bold,

began to weaken,

and wither,

and fold

from all those years of sitting.

Doing hours and hours of nothing.

While cherished faces,

and times and places,

steadily stepped into the dark.

Rare became the instants

during my brief, long-distance visits,

when I saw that certain twinkle in his eyes.

When he was pleased,

about to be silly –

or incredibly Dad.

But then

alas

it would pass

and entered this man, instead.

The only thing constant

was his wheezy, cartoon laughter

which he easily summoned

to the great relief of everyone

hovering uncomfortably in his small, sad room

scattered with pictures of loved ones –

now mostly strangers.

Rarest was hearing the voice of his past,

which sang in my ear

when he used my pet name.

Summoned forth in fugitive instants.

Clear and compelling.

Making me unexpectedly ache,

and anxious

to hear Dad speak again.

But Dad never did.

Yet in that flash,

in his strong, familiar voice,

he was my beacon,

my banker

my mentor,

my tormentor,

My father.

And everything felt right.

Then it didn’t.

And I cursed myself

for not plucking from the ether

that all-too-brief moment

to stuff deep within my pockets.

and help me remember

his long and strong hugs

of immeasurable comfort.

His powerful presence.

His stubborn dreaming.

His cocky, foolish, bridge-burning scheming.

The maestro of his successes

and Master of his failures.

But grateful for the moments

we spoke about nothing

and I apologized for everything.

Though he wouldn’t remember anything.

But love is in the giving.

In the times he heard,

I love you.

So, I told him different stories

about faraway lives,

and in between the questions

and his uncontrolled emotions,

I‘d try to fill the ether

with soon forgotten memories.

With love and laughter.

And strong hugs

of immeasurable comfort.

The Train

Staring at the corner of his small, shaded, shared room which smells of disinfectant, death and old wool, all that’s left of Jake’s life stands on the shelf before him: dusty, unframed photos (faded images of lost faces, youth and health) on a teetering pile of once comforting books, earmarked and yellowed, barely held together by their cracked and broken bindings.

Lifting them from their place would reveal a thick outline of their long neglect.

The books are now just painful reminders of his last stroke and the words are un-consoling strangers among the unclear images that come, and mostly go, of what’s come and all but gone in Jake’s long, lonely life of merely living long.

Yet there’s something on that meager shelf the old man will treasure forever.

It came to him one summer from his only uncle, Joe, a large, quiet man with the strength of a bull, who worked his whole life in the northern logging camps bringing down trees and building other men’s wealth.

Their meeting was brief (but the moment still strong) in a desperate childhood filled with hunger and want.

He’d come down from the highland forests the summer Jake turned six.

The air was stifling – thick – as was Joe’s large frame filling the door of the derelict cabin where the boy and his mom scratched out their living mending shirts, washing laundry, running errands.

Whatever work to be found up and down the great, green mountain.

The unexpected visit surprised Jake’s mom, who hadn’t seen her brother since they were young; sent off as soon as they could earn a living on their own.

She embraced the waist of the burly, bearded man, who returned the hug with one, massive, tree-trunk-of-an-arm, then turning to his only nephew with a wide, toothy grin, Joe revealed his hidden arm where two objects lay in his giant, calloused palm.

With fingers big as branches, using bits of paper, bark and wire, the woodsman had turned simple scraps he’d found around the camp into a logging train, with a smokestack engine coupled to a car fully loaded with tiny, timbered logs tied up with string.

“Ain’t much.”

But it was absolutely everything.

Sitting at the large, well-worn work table together, Jake’s uncle and mother searched for words to close the gap of so many years; while the boy rested his chin against his sinewy, tanned arms crossed atop the hard-scrubbed pine.

Staring eye-level at the train.

Hesitant to touch it for fear it would, like a fidgety spirit, fade away.

Or worse – break in his young, but hardened hands.

Just studying it – knowing it was his – was more than enough for the boy.

The brief visit would be the first and last time he would see his Uncle Joe, whose large, lumberjack’s frame had barely left the shadow of the shack before the grind of what would be Jake’s life had begun again.

Having that train in his sight each day – the one made just for him a lifetime away – made even the strangest places left behind and those ahead, endurable.

And Jake feel fairly human.

The Girl in the Red Velvet Hat

I saw a girl in a red velvet hat with feathers to one side.
Meeting her eyes, I smiled.
She grinned, but shyly turned her gaze.
So I studied her young silhouette
and thought of long past days.
Of ladies in fabulous hats and fitted suits,
with cigarettes and smart comebacks
for men in Fedoras, white shirts and ties
who secretly longed for the sassy, young ladies
in red, velvet hats with feathers to one side.

The Wind and the Owl

When the central highland winds howl through the valley and rattle the windows of our house on the hill, shaking and bending the juniper and pinion trees I see beyond the shuddering panes, my body and mind still brace for the only thing that comes of such blustery warnings to the Midwestern me.

The menacing advance of a fearsome storm.

Intense and unforgiving.

I feel my body – tense and taut – bracing for the worst with each swollen

Pacing through the house.

Anxious for it to stop.

Or me to move.

So my dogs and I head out for our walk, prepared for a fight against tempests and cold and I’m ever surprised to find the winds far more kind than I imagined.

Mellowed by the sun’s abiding strength.

Layers are shed at the start of our walk and the warm, constant breezes now push me, Frank and Nellie to the chapparal below, where I know the sweeping winds will blow much gentler music across the tall grass. And at my back, urge me forward toward to the far fence line where the pronghorn often graze.

But downwind today, well warned of our arrival, they’re likely to have scattered; prompting me to turn against the wind and start a circuitous loop back home.

Toward the scrub oak and junipers.

Shelter and shade.

And the shadowy scent of Mountain Lilac blossoming profusely in the wake of generous winter rains.

The gentle fragrance of this rugged bush, appears and disappears with the shifting winds, lifting my spirits with each sweet return, as I wander up and down the hills with my two, most joyful companions.

The world in their noses turned into the breezes.

Close to home, I see a Great Horned Owl take to the air just a few feet ahead.

I hear one, grand flap of his wings. And then nothing.

A familiar shadow among the neighborhood trees, I track his flight and see him perch again in a pine, up the hill and up ahead, and I follow with glee.

Silently.

Deliberately.

From tree to tree.

Hidden among the dark, green boughs of an old, domed Juniper, heavy with pollen, the owl waits. But just as we near, off he goes, higher up the hill and closer to home, past the scattered remains of a long dead tree which lay like a skeleton, gray and sunbleached, exactly where it fell.

Pursuing him again to yet another tree, it’s as if the owl is hunting me. For, there, in a clearing of branches, the great hunter sits.

Quietly watching us move up the hill.

Allowing me the perfect view of this very perfect predator.

Staring still, my eyes meet his, until he decides we’ve come close enough.

And that is that.

He spreads his wings and disappears, without a sound, among the pinion near the old pit mine.

I try to reconnect at a fourth tree ahead, but instead, meet a noisy grackle balanced at the top of the tree where I hoped the Great Horned Owl would be. But he has already continued on his way, up the hill, over a fenceline, and out of my sight.

Certain we’re not out of his, I scan the trees on the hill in vain.

Unleashing the dogs, Nellie’s off in a dash in her fruitless pursuit of chasing small reptile.

Zigging and zagging, but never succeeding.

I think she’s just teasing.

My call for her cuts through the wind and the white-noised silence.

Unsettling me.

Until the music of the wild winds in the scrub oaks and the pines, in the final footsteps home, help me find my peace and place again.

Float

Let me float

in the warmth

and the dark

and the quiet.

Let my weariness subside.

Let me float

away the aches

away the worry

away the want.

Let weightless be my guide.

Let me sink

in the drink

of nothing to do but float.

Let me breathe

long and deep

gotta hold that strong, clear note.

Just keep still

feel the pain

release its grip

on aging limbs.

Fill my chest

with long, slow breaths

letting go and letting in.

Watch the sun

begin to rise

casting red upon the skies.

And as the red seeps into orange

find peace and calm

in the water’s warmth.

From orange to yellow

paler than butter

let myself BE in the pillowy color.

And as the yellow lightens to blue

and the plug is pulled

and the gravity, new.

Take the weight.

Feel the cold.

Face the day.

Be brave.

Be bold.

And keep afloat.

The Gentle Push

The open road before you.

The gentle push I’ll give you.

Toward those who have much more to teach you.

So sure you know its direction.

Blind curves hidden from your youthful attention.

But that’s okay.

It’s fumbling.

It’s humbling.

It’s finding your own way.

You’re done listening.

Because the whole world is calling.

And my long heard words are falling on deaf ears.

But that’s okay.

Cause it’s fumbling.

It’s humbling.

It’s finding your own way.

That will gently push you back to me some day.

Winged Chatter

I try to find a new way to wander across the rolling hills of scrub and pine and stretches of grass, each time the dogs and I go walking; and so every day, I get to see familiar things in a different sort of way.

Sometimes this leads to new treasures like old, sun-bleached bones for my growing bone collection, a newly dug den with earth so freshly excavated it’s still moist and brown; or an ancient juniper at the top of a ridge, rounded like a giant, perfect mushroom cap, where generations of cattle resting and rubbing in its shade, helped give it its flat-bottomed, fairyland shape.

But mostly, it’s not knowing where the dogs and I are going, except out.

To explore this small patch of hilly land near our home where Mingus Mountain rises behind Chino Valley to the east, Table Top Mesa and Granite Mountain command the views to the south and scattered homes along long, dirt roads in the near distance remind us we’re never alone.

As does the jackrabbit springing from shrub to shrub, with its skyscraper ears that quickly disappear; or a flock of quails lifting noisily from an impenetrable cluster of apache plume in near perpetual bloom at the side of the wash.

Which, like my path, is always changing.

Crumbling.

Reshaping.

Exposing many tunnels dug feet below the surface (which look like sunken eyes, sunk deep in deep, dark sockets); and hardened roots of Pinyon pines clutch eroding walls, refusing to fall, to succumb to the changes.

Clinging green on so few of its branches.

Yet clinging.

And fruiting and feeding the creatures who live here.

Here in the washes and brushes and hollowed out trees. In the boulders and burrows and fields, where me and the dogs keep wandering, because every day it keeps changing.

Each bloom, each moon, each orbital click.

While the dogs keep on sniffing and sniffing and sniffing, and finding their own unique way, which these days is through a grassy stretch of fleeting monsoon green that tickles my knees and their noses.

The Tightrope

You said you were committed.

I said I’d be supportive.

But the words don’t sit well.

For your actions tell a different tale.

And your dogged words seem far too determined.

Such blind insistence.

Or path of least resistance?

Ever searching for the answers you want.

All the while ignoring the signs along the road

that might lead to the ones you need.

Neglecting the scattered litter

of past mistakes and warring expectations.

Which I beg to witness at a comfortable distance.

Without uncomfortable and conscripted exchanges

between different people

on different journeys.

Anxious to see a figure on the far horizon.

Hoping they find their way to being kinder.

And more grateful.

But the path keeps twisting and returning

and treading over the same old ground.

Now hardened against new growth.

New possibilities.

New love.

Always looking for something more than that they should be thankful for.

And the peace and simplicity and beauty of the generous road just cleared

is suddenly cluttered.

And claustrophobic.

And strewn with dog treats and decorating magazines.

And the trail becomes a tightrope.

With blindfolded eyes set on some illusive prize at the other end.

Trying to balance on the narrow rope that is constantly off-kilter.

Shaken by opposing desires.

Lack of trust.

Pack of lies.

Loving, but misguided intentions.

Desperation.

Ever the victim.

It’s hard enough to watch.

Don’t ask me to take that wavering walk.

I’m happy here on the ground with my family and friends.

Whose relationships I’ve earned.

Not cajoled.

Not bought or sold.

Which need work.

Here and there.

But are always easy and comfortable.

Trustworthy and sincere.

And certain.

Are you certain?

Of it?

Of you?

Of the rope and where it’s leading to?

Are you certain the links of this coupling are strong,

Not bound by fears of a future alone?

Questions I’ll ask from that comfortable distance.

Hoping you’ll find the prize you seek

beyond such blind insistence.

Within Close Range: Mark

With full plates and mouths full, 

we vie for Dad’s attention. 

Except for Mark, the youngest,. 

who’s quietly making faces 

at the different conversations. 

Having barely touched his plate, 

Mark asks to be excused. 

It’s a radical move. 

As was Dad saying yes.

Something’s soon stirring

in the boys’ room above.

Then all eyes are drawn 

through the dining room window, 

overlooking the bluff,

to the darkening sky, 

where an airplane is crossing. 

Which wouldn’t be much,

if the thing wasn’t smoldering. 

Hearts jump. 

Mom shrieks. 

Until the tiny model plane on fire, 

hung up on its wire,

stops in mid-air.

Strung from the window 

to a large, old oak on the lawn. 

the tiny, model fighter jet

was soon gone.

All those hours he spent building it.

Admiring it.

High-wiring it. 

Just went up in flames.

As Mark quietly returns to the table.

All eyes have turned to Dad, 

who seems, 

at first, 

not to know how to react. 

But then we see it:

an almost imperceptible grin. 

Mark’s scrunched shoulders soften.

“Nice job,” laughs Jim, 

“Twisted, but effective.”

I can see Mark is pleased. 

He’s impressed a tough crowd. 

Dare I say it? 

Made us proud. 

Except for Mom, 

who’s still holding her heart.

Within Close Range: Ice Cream and Convertibles

Within Close Range: Ice Cream and Convertibles

“Who wants ice cream?” 

comes the call from below.

Just behind Dad, I’m first to the car. 

quickly taking possession of the coveted front seat 

when Mom chooses a quiet hour’s retreat.

Off we go,

past the last of the day’s golfers 

crossing the final, shadowed fairway.

Rolling along at country club speed, 

I look to the trees heavy with green 

and suck in the waning day,

the moist lake air, 

and the strong, sweet aroma of fresh cut grass 

and wild, roadside onions.

Once we have passed

the crustiest of the upper class, 

Dad presses on the gas 

and summer is now whizzing past 

with me behind a veil of windblown hair. 

It’s a straight shot to ice cream, 

twenty minutes to 31 flavors 

in an old, brick, corner building.

Following the train tracks all the way to town, 

passing The Lantern 

and the best burgers in town; 

passing Market Square 

where in the late summer twilight, 

half the town is milling about the fountain.

Behind the brightly illuminated windows, 

the ice cream shop is crowded. 

which means more time  

to peak between the people 

at the colorful, ice-cold delights:

Rocky Road

Mint Chocolate Chip 

Bubble Gum 

Too many for me to choose from 

and greedy for more,

I’m allowed to order the Banana Royale 

with hot fudge and chopped nuts, 

topped with whipped cream 

a bright red Maraschino cherry

and a raised eyebrow from Dad. 

Loath to re-admit offspring 

with fast melting ice cream 

into his always pristine car, 

Dad leads us all toward Market Square 

where we admire the stores from a drippy distance. 

Scanning the dimmed display cabinets 

and shiny glass countertops 

of Marshall Field’s Department store 

makes me think about the deliciousness of Frango Mints, 

and the distinctiveness of the peculiar, old lady 

from the first floor makeup department, 

who looks as if she’s been there forever. 

She fascinates me. 

Always dressed in black, 

which perfectly matches her jet-black bob, 

accentuated with a precisely penciled-in, 

black as pitch, 

widow’s peak.

A steadfast fancy from her flapper days? 

Her happy days?

Past the old rec center and the stationary store, 

I pause at the window of Kiddle’s 

to dig at the fudge from the bottom of my bowl

and marvel at the bicycles and basketballs, 

the helmets, t-shirts, bats and rackets 

covering every inch of wall from its old, wooden floor 

to its elaborate, tin ceiling.

From here, I set my sights on Market Square Bakery. 

On the same old, dusty display cakes 

sitting in the same, old dusty display windows. 

Knowing well what glorious, sugary delights 

will soon be baking on the other side of the “Closed” sign, 

making Mom’s after-school errands bearable. 

Constatntly scanning the sidewalks 

and the square’s grassy center 

for a friend among the small crowds 

gathered around the fountain and benches, 

relishing the cool of the evening. 

Delighted by the sight of any familiar face 

and the feeling of community.

Intimacy.  

So I make my Banana Royale last. 

Savoring every moment in every bite 

as we round the square and pass a real estate office 

where lighted photos of formidable houses 

make window-shoppers dream…

big.

As the last of the ice cream disappears, 

and the last corner of the square is near, 

I know we’re almost back at the car, 

but not until we pass my very favorite spot –  

Pasquesi’s, now dark and quiet.

Inside, there’s a bell on its door 

that signals Mr. P. to look up from the back 

of his simple, splendid, tiny purple lunch counter, 

as he offers up the best and sloppiest of Sloppy Joe’s, 

the cheesiest of cheese dogs, 

and the warmest of smiles. 

Greeting all as if long lost friends 

finally coming home. 

Always making me feel that I belong.

Back at the car 

and forced to relinquish the front seat 

to a sibling demanding their turn, 

I lower myself from the cool, night air 

and, in the quiet of an ice cream coma, 

count the streetlights passing above, 

until the stars and the dark replace them, 

the crickets’ song grows strong, 

and my eyes grow heavy.

Within Close Range: Whiplash Willie

Barely able to see over the dashboard of the ample sedan, toes stretching to reach the pedals, Nonnie is an Italian force on four wheels navigating the gridlock of suburban Chicago.

Her style is unique – driving with more emotion than convention, 

more conversation than paying attention – usually resulting in last-minute lane changes and unpredictable turns, and me sliding (pre-seatbelt laws) from one side of the Cadillac’s bountiful back seat to the other.

When the story she’s spinning is a doozy and Nonnie gets roused – which it usually is, and she usually does – up goes her pitch and its volume, and down goes her tiny, bunion-ed foot on the gas pedal, causing the great, lumbering beast of a car (and all its passengers) to lurch forward. 

To compensate for accelerating while accentuating, Nonnie then braces herself against the massive steering wheel and brakes, tossing her progeny back against the pristine upholstery. 

Repeating this action with each grand inflection. 

It’s how she got the family nickname, Whiplash Willie.

It’s why – when I see her begin an earful of a tale to whomever called “Dibs on the front seat!” first – I know what’s coming…

We all do.

Buckling up, I pray my grandmother’s story is short. 

And my neck remains strong.

Within Close Range: The Checkered Beacon

At the corner of Sheridan Road and Sheridan Place, right across from East Elementary and Lake Bluff Junior High School sits Artesian Park, two blocks of village green where every Fourth of July the grassy field turns to festival and carnival and fun and every winter, the sunken baseball diamond is flooded to make an ice-skating rink.

As soon as the temperature dips and the rink freezes solid, villagers swarm to the park, packing the small patch of ice with skaters of all ages, sizes and skills; with races of speed and games of Crack-the-Whip, hockey sticks slapping and half-hearted “Hamill Camels” spinning.

Huge smiles crowding pink cheeks.

The park’s field house is also opened, where a giant crackling fire in a giant stone hearth, hot drinks, long rubber mats and long, wooden benches, welcome skaters looking for secure footing and a temporary reprieve from the nippy wonders of winter.

Such happiness in hot cocoa and crackling fires.

In being a part of village life, instead of apart from it.

Layered, bundled, skated and packed into the station wagon, anxious to get to the rink and our friends, we watch Dad re-shovel the shoveled path by the garage. 

When Mom finally steps through the back door, all heads swivel toward the flash of candy apple red which has newly invaded the icy, grey scenery.

There stands Mom in an outfit the likes of which Lake Bluff villagers have never – nor will likely ever see again – a red and white checkered snow suit, with its belted jacket and matching knickers (Yes, that’s right, I said knickers.), red cable knit stockings, white knit gloves, and a matching, white knit, helmet-shaped cap with ear flaps and a large, snowball-sized pom-pom on top.

It’s something to be seen… and near impossible to miss.

She’s something to be seen. 

But that’s usually Mom: statuesque, blonde, beautiful, incomparable. 

Ever the model. 

Not afraid to be individual, and always, always fashionable.

Even when that fashion might be questionable…

… at least from the viewpoint of her five, young impressionables.

But Mom is glowing. 

Excited for the family outing. 

Eager to put her weatherproof, yet fashion savvy snow suit to the test.

But Mom is GLOWING

Like a giant, checkered barber pole.

And everyone from Dad (whose briefly raised eyebrows are a dead giveaway) to Mark (who strains his tiny, bundled body to turn and stare wide-eyed at the walking tablecloth) are stunned silent by the new outfit that speaks volumes.

As Dad winds the wagon toward town, whispers around the rear seats are exchanged. It’s agreed that the best course of action is evasive – a rapid, rear door exit will surely guarantee reaching the rink quickly and losing ourselves in the nameless, motherless crowd in moments.

As luck would have it, a parking space – one actually big enough to accommodate our Grand Safari station wagon – opens up right in front and above the bustling rink. There’s no more delaying the inevitable fashion statement that’s about to be thrust upon the unsuspecting citizens of Lake Bluff. 

As soon as Dad docks the wagon and shifts into park, Jim and Chris leap from the center seat and never look back. 

In the very rear of the wagon, however,  Mia and I are at the mercy of Dad who needs to open our escape hatch from the outside (a major miscalculation on our part), and who is leisurely lacing his own skates; while Mom struggles to wriggle a wiggly four-year-old into a pair of hand-me-down, oversized skates.

Dad finally releases us, and leaving Mia to fend for herself, I make fast, teetering tracks to the ice, losing myself in a swarm of bladed, unbounded activity. 

From the anonymity of the crowd below I watch, – mortified – as Mom’s checkered ensemble appears around the rear of our wagon, moving very, very slowly over ice and snow toward the rink. 

Giving everyone within a three mile radius ample time to take it all in.

Radiating red against the endless, ashen clouds.

Unembarrassed. 

Unaffected. 

Unbelievable.

Forcing me deeper into the throng of villagers, into the sea of somber, Midwestern winter gear. Commonsensical clothes in practical colors blending together like the dark waters of a deep, churning lake.

Unsteadying me. 

Disorienting me.

Drowning me in denim and down; in unfamiliar faces and forms, swirling and twirling and lawless.

I feel panic rise and tears swell and wish everyone would just… STOP!

Until a beautiful beacon appears.

A sudden flash of something dazzlingly bright shining through the drab-colored chaos. 

The most wonderful sight I’ve ever seen. 

Giving instant comfort. 

Guiding me home.

To the arms of Mom. 

To the warmth of her hug. 

Wrapped tight in all her red and white checkered glory.

Within Close Range: The Pressure of Writing

She moves up and down the rows of desks 

filled with tiny, crouched figures 

hovering over lined paper 

and clutching #2 pencils. 

Filling the aisle with her middle-age width 

and Avon perfume, 

I feel the warmth of her body and breath 

as she leans over me 

and sighs.

We’ve been here before.

I’m just not getting this pencil-holding thing.

I thought I was doing it right. 

The letters on my paper look pretty much like everyone’s. 

Pretty much.

But every time she stops at my desk, 

she firmly cups her hand over mine and squeezes  

hard

until she forces my tiny, anxious fingers 

to curl around the long, yellow pencil 

with the well-worn, pink eraser.

“A firm grasp is the key to proper penmanship, my dear,” she says, 

trying to sound patient 

about my substandard pencil etiquette.

Not wanting to disappoint her

again

I clench that pencil 

as if my very breathing depends upon it, 

until my fingers cramp from it, 

and the lead of the pencil 

presses so hard against the paper 

that the letters bulge through the opposite side.

When she asks us to turn our papers over 

and sit quietly until everyone finishes, 

I close my eyes 

and feel each raised letter with my fingertips. 

Wondering whether any one else 

has to press that hard 

work that hard 

to squeeze out the letters 

and words, 

and sentences, 

so very anxious to burst forth.

Within Close Range: The Straight-Away

The Straight-away is the longest lineal stretch of road in Shoreacres, where speed bumps do little to dissuade teenage boys in first cars from pressing down on gas pedals.

At the end of this tempting strip of asphalt, with the sun rising at my back, throwing orange and pink and unreasonable beauty into the gloomy school day scene, is the bus stop.

It is here, from autumn to early summer, I watch for the giant, yellow monster to come into view as it makes the turn at the top of the Straight-Away. 

Praying often that I missed it, or it won’t appear, and Mom has to drive me to school. 

Offering a morning’s reprieve from school bus bullies.

And a chance to gobble up freshly made donuts from the truck stop along the way.

Within Close Range: The Upstairs Universe

The adult-free upstairs is our universe, our private world of fun and games and funny voices, where Jim’s rolled up socks turn into stink bombs of such infamy that as soon as you see him take off a shoe, you run… 

as fast as your stockinged feet along a polished wood floor can take you.

It’s also where fuzzy, red carpeting turns to molten lava and chairs and tables become bridges, and the sofa, an island where captives and carpet monsters fight to the death in battle after battle.

In the universe upstairs, sloped-ceiling closets and dark crawlspaces (too-small-for-adults places) become hideaways where we can bring pillows and posters, flashlights and stuffed animals, and write secrets and swear words on the 2 x 4s and plaster board.

And listen to Mom in the kitchen below, until the heater switches on and the great metal shafts fill with air and fill our ears with rumbling.

At the very top of the back steps, behind a tiny door (not more than three feet square), Jim has spent the entire day building a spaceship. Fabricated from old outlets and switches, and a roll of duct tape.

With Mark as his co-pilot and imagination as his rocket fuel, he rallies us to climb into his crawlspace capsule. 

I sit back in the darkness, surrounded by boxes of memories –  Mom’s heirloomed wedding dress at my elbow and Christmas decorations at my back – anxious for the countdown.

Excited for blast off.

For leaving the earth far behind.

Calling to his co-pilot to flick switches labelled with a big, black magic marker, then moving his hands up and down his own duct-taped controls, I hear the sputters and rumbles of Jim’s vocal-powered rockets.

Hugging my big, Pooh Bear, I watch our fearless pilot, in the beam of a dangling flashlight, lean back and call to his unlikely crew through the cup of his hand:

“Hang on! Here we go! Ten… Nine… Eight…”

Jim’s rumbles begin to rise.

“Seven… Six… Five… Four…”

I feel the crawlspace shake and rattle.

“Three… Two… One… BLAST OFF!”

I squeeze that silly, old bear and close my eyes to see the fast-approaching cosmos…

And there I float in the infinite black. 

In the infinite stars. 

Until Jim shouts, “Meteors!” and all hell breaks loose in our top-of-the-stairs cockpit.

The hallway light suddenly cuts through the cracks and the dark – and the meteors – and the call of dinner brings us back to earth.

Within Close Range: The Being in Basements

Some are reached by steep, wooden steps,

only at the end of which,

is a switch,

and salvation from the dark;

where cold, cement floors sting bare feet

and we search for cousins playing hide and seek

beneath an old, pine table,

and in cupboards stuffed with moth balls and old lives.

Down other stairs, parents send rapidly sprouting offshoots

(and their weedy accomplices)

to remain mostly out of sight, sound and smell.

New worlds explored in sunless rooms of cinderblock;

where mismatched 13-year-olds kiss, and later tell,

and budding musicians, mid black lights and bong hits,

learn to shake and rattle the house;

while in the dark and in a lawn chair, I learn to hang out.

Some sunken spaces are like snapshots

kept on a shelf in an old shoebox.

Still lives of vinyl bars and swivel stools

and down-turned glasses on dusty shelves, long unused.

Moth-eaten scenes of what might have been.

A gathering place for friends and kin

where woes of the week were drowned deep in cocktails

and lost in card games – or a top twenty song – to which most sang along,

as the stereo spun its new-fangled, stereophonic sound. 

Curious but comfortless, being long-deserted and people-less.

Apart from the ghosts in the room.

My favorite sunken places are worn, but happy spaces

in which my favorite female faces

grow leaps and bounds beside me,

unconstrained and nearly unimpeded by upstairs edicts.

Sharing cigarettes, dance moves, inside jokes

and cases of beer bought just over the border;

making evenings fuzzy, and hangovers a new, underworld reality. 

Playing pool, the juke box, the fool;

while trying to play it cool

when faced with firsts and friends far more in the know

about nearly everything that happens down below.

Within Close Range: Bullies

Because our home’s so far away, 

I’m the first picked up by the bus each day

and the very first stop after school –

which makes every student on our route  

sit forty minutes more each afternoon

and me, an unwelcome sight.

Full of hormones and hate, 

those in last few rows of the long, yellow bus 

moan and groan 

as soon as I climb on,

making me nervously skitter to the nearest seat

where I crouch 

and hide 

and wait.

The hardcore insults come later

and louder

cloaked in the anonymity of the rumbling and motion 

of our rolling prison.

Deaf to what he hears, 

the bus driver just stares ahead

and goes where he’s told. 

United by the same neighborhood, 

in the opposite direction,

they snarl and nip at the back of my neck –

piercing my thin skin. 

It’s us versus them, 

in every nasty word. 

But the “them” they think I am 

is absolutely absurd.

When their rabid, backseat words 

have more than their usual bite, 

I step from the bus 

and race to the woods, 

searching for a way to shake the hurt 

in the thick, dim patches of unpeopled forest. 

I disappear among the ember-colored leaves 

which cap the many trees

before the heavy freeze 

steals the color from the land.

And there, I simply am.

Where I step to the sound of my breathing,

the movement of the clouds, 

and to the busy hush of forest life about, 

reminding me to go about my own;

and to heal my wounds

with the comforts of home.

Within Close Range: Florida Days – the teen years

Driving from the airport

to a new winter retreat – 

a 20 story high-rise in Pompano Beach –

it’s clear things aren’t as they have been.

Gone are the Mid-Century neighborhoods 

with small, tidy bungalows 

and pastel-colored apartment complexes. 

Gone are the small, neat streets 

crammed with big, American cars 

and the quiet, inland canals 

with their 90 degree curves.

Modern high-rises now loom along the coast, 

casting long shadows over these old ghosts.

Smothered by “The Strip”, 

a popular stretch of beach –

and the only way to their new place,-

Nonna and Papa are forced to face

nubile, bikini-clad, beer drinking youth 

balanced precariously between child and adult

unkempt, 

half-naked 

all god-forsaken. 

But Gina and I crave this uncharted world, 

which we’re slowly cruising past 

in the back seat of a tightly sealed Cadillac, 

filled with the sounds of Perry Como 

and the smell of Jean Nate.

The closer we get to Nonna and Papa’s, 

the older the demographics begin to slant,

until beers and bikinis are soon replaced 

by beer bellies and Platex bras.

The upside to the new zip code 

is a bigger abode – 

and a separate door to the outside world –

or at least to a corridor,

and an unused stairwell.

To Marlboro Lights 

and poorly rolled joints, 

and late night escapades with girls from New York.

Gone are our grandparents’ halcyon days 

of minding their ways.

These are the carefree days of youth. 

Of baby oil and B-52s.

Getting stoned in the sauna. 

Drinking beers on the beach.

Somehow convincing Nonna 

to hand us the keys.

Of cranking up the radio

and rolling down the windows

to inhale the salty air

and the sweet smell 

of being newly licensed. 

Of boys on the beach noticing us 

and Nonna – 

from high above –

noticing them, noticing us.

These are the Florida days 

of pushing boundaries, 

especially ones so poorly guarded.

Well past our very strict curfew.

Nonna is waiting and bleak.

She’s worked herself into such a state,

she’s lifted off her bunioned feet.

She cross-examines, 

reprimands, 

and threatens to send us home; 

then leads us in to Papa 

in the unlit living room, 

Leaden and pacing. 

My heart is breaking.

When all is said – 

which isn’t much – 

he turns his back 

and sends us to bed. 

The first thing we see in the morning

taped prominently to the fridge

is a newspaper clip with a giant headline, 

“Girls Found Charred on Beach”,

and Nonna, 

with her back to us.

Sighing and tsk-ing, 

but not saying anything.

Until behind closed bedroom doors, 

on an all-day call with her sister, Rose,

we can hear her tell of all her woes; 

heralded, at times, in a pitch so high, 

dogs throughout the high-rise begin to cry.

This leads to quieter Florida days, 

of shorter visits 

and solo stays.

Now more observer than the observed; 

studying Nonna and Papa 

in their Florida world.

In their well-aged routine of marital malaise.

Wondering if I know what a happy marriage is?

Hours of watching old ladies by the pool; 

with their sun hats and cigarettes 

and bad romance books;

their games of Canasta, 

and over-tanned skin… 

wondering if any 

were ever really young?

When Papa leaves to tend to the store, 

it’s hours of Gin Rummy, 

and little more.

Alone with Nonna, 

playing round after round 

on the windy, high-rise balcony, 

sixteen floors from the ground.

Where 8-track cassettes 

of Liberace and Lawrence Welk 

teach me tolerance, 

and the importance of a wickedly good game face.

Happy to see the rainy skies. 

Happy to stay indoors 

and in our nightgowns.

The condo is especially quiet. 

No washing machine 

or television 

reminding us of other things. 

Other lives.

No dinner out 

or big meal in.

We barely move. 

Rarely talk.

Occasionally, Nonna disappears, 

returning with something powdery and sweet

or cheesy and crusty

and hot from the oven.

Such deliciously quiet moments 

of simply doing nothing.

Oh these my Florida days.

Within Close Range: Within Close Range

It’s early spring and still outnumbered are the days of thawing, when the sun shines through the nearly impermeable grey just long enough to make the corral thick and pliable for the heavily-coated ponies to imprint the half-frozen peaks of ice and manure.  

With little inclination to be out of doors, Mia, Mark, Jim and I, along with cousins Mary, Gina and Bill, are all hanging out in the kid’s room upstairs, twitching and giggling and getting riled by Jim, the regular instigator of such behavior. 

But this time, instead of hanging around to help control the chaos, Jim leaves, leaving his younger siblings and cousins to deal with the consequences – the most important of which is that Mark is wound-up and dangerously near the one thing in the room Jim should have taken with him: his Benjamin Air Rifle.

Jim got the rifle for Christmas and had been target practicing with it that morning. Dad doesn’t like the idea of the eight-pump, .177 caliber pellet gun, but Mom’s Missouri farm roots makes her believe that it’s every boy’s initiation into manhood.

In Jim’s defense, he never shoots at living things – mostly targets, trees and tin cans. 

However, he does get an enormous amount of satisfaction turning its site on siblings for the sheer satisfaction of watching faces contort; which is likely where Mark got the idea.

Picking up the air rifle, he aims it across the room at Gina, sitting on the sofa. 

Each of us demands he put the weapon down, but Mark already has that look in his eyes which tells us he’s stopped listening, and before anyone can say another word, Mark presses the trigger and discharges what he thinks is air through an empty chamber.

Gina, already curled into a defensive ball, is hit. 

The lead pellet rips through her jeans and grazes the skin on the back of her left thigh, already bruising when we gather around to inspect the wound.

Everyone – including Mark – is stunned and silent.

Gina’s eyes grow wide and wild.

“You little fucker! You shot me!”

We all look to Mark for an explanation, but he’s off – like his shot – out of the room, down the back stairs, and out the door.

Having returned to the scene at the sound of Gina’s scream, it takes mere moments for Jim to form an angry mob to go in search of the lone shooter, now taking refuge somewhere in the damp, barren woods surrounding our house. 

We follow the leader around the backyard and back woods, looking for a spark of tell-tale color among the sullen, gray tree trunks. 

Then something turns… Jim’s allegiance. 

In an instant, we’re all in his sights and half-heartedly running for our lives. 

Finding a safe spot from his line of vision, I’m watching from the barn stalls when Jim spots Mark weaving through the trees and across the frozen patches of slippery leaves in the back circle by the cottage. 

He’s trying to make a break for the large stretch of trees just across the driveway. From there, it’s certain he can outmaneuver Jim through the woods to safety. 

The problem is the twenty foot stretch of open pavement.

But spring is in the air and Mark is feeling a little wild.

We all are.

Jim gives the rifle an extra pump and takes aim at the small figure now bounding across the asphalt. 

In one very lucky shot… he hits his target, and like a plastic carnival duck floating atop a painted carnival pond, Mark is knocked flat. 

Jim insists it was meant to be a “warning” shot.

As all games are officially over at the first sign of blood, Mark limps toward the house where he pulls down his sock to reveal the day’s second wound on the back of his ankle. 

Mom’s soon on the scene, ordering Mark into the kitchen (with everyone following close behind).

She cleans and examines the wound and declares the pellet must have skimmed the surface of his skin (just like Gina’s had, but we felt best not to mention).

Satisfied with Mom’s answer, the hunter and all those hunted walk – and limp – away.

—————-

Forty years later, having just had x-rays taken for an orthopedic shoe insert, Mark’s doctor enters the room and hangs the film on the light box, and with a strange look on his face, points to a light spot behind Mark’s left ankle.

“This is a metal object,” he says, “… and it looks like a bullet.”

Both Mark and the doctor stare at the very clear, small, rounded object appearing on the screen. 

“No, that can’t be right,” Mark insists. “There must be a glitch on your x-ray machine.”

But the doctor assures Mark that the object is no glitch.

“Do you happen to know how it got there?” the doctor asks, now looking a little sideways at his patient.

Mark stares at the small metal object imbedded in his achilles tendon and suddenly it all comes flooding back to him. 

Before leaving the parking lot of the doctor’s office, he sent this image out to remind us all of a childhood within close range. 

Within Close Range: Wisdom Teeth, or The Heart of Darkness

I’m still lying back in the dentist’s chair when I open my eyes. 

It’s hard to lift my heavy lids, even harder trying to wake from a syrupy haze.

The first clear thing I see are my wisdom teeth – all four – on a pad of cotton laying on my miserably undeveloped chest. 

A smiling nurse takes hold of my forearm and gently guides me off the reclining chair and onto my feet. 

Legs buckling, a second nurse appears, and with each as a crutch, we wind our way through doorways, down hallways and into the waiting room. 

To Mom. 

The sight of her makes me smile, which makes it hurt, and makes me cry out; making patients sitting patiently jump in their waiting room seats and glare at me. 

Stare at me. 

Aghast.

Seeing exactly what they don’t want to see.

I couldn’t care less. I just want to sit. 

But Mom and the nurse keep me moving forward toward the exit door.

__________

Nothing looks sweeter than the car where, for the first time in years, Mom has to buckle me in. Her steely, blue eyes filled with fuss and concern, and a little horror. 

But the haze hasn’t lifted and I’m happily floating in it… and out the car window, toward the warm, autumn sun.

And Mom’s taking me home.

With a heavy hand, I lower the window and turn to face the breezes. I smell hot pavement and mid-day traffic and hear the sounds of a motorbike approaching from behind. 

As the biker passes, his helmeted head looks my way, so I smile in response, leaning heavily against the car door. 

He swerves – suddenly – and passes, quickly. 

Seeing such a severe reaction makes me fumble for the visor’s mirror, where I find a reflection like B-Science-Fiction: swollen cheeks, a misshapen face, and by the looks of the dry and wet tracks trailing down both sides of my chin, I’ve been drooling. 

A lot. 

My lips are also cracked and bloody – as if stranded for weeks in the desert – and it appears as if they’ve been pulled apart by some horrible dental device which has left indentations, still visible on my face.

I’m the goddamn monster’s bride. 

But the care is lost in thoughts of home and Mom and Dad’s blue, velvet sofa, with dogs at my feet, a box of tissue at my side, and a channel changer near at hand – which is where Mom leaves me with a kiss on the forehead and errands on her mind – one of which includes filling a prescription for pain medicine for when the strong stuff wears off.

Propped up with pillows, covered with a quilt and a Labrador, the cloud is beginning to clear from my brain, and although my jaws are sore, I’m relishing a day away from school.

The clock in the living room chimes the eleventh hour and I have nothing but a whole day of sleeping and watching television ahead.

Piece of cake.

____________

It’s been two hours since Mom left. The meds have warn off, the haze has lifted, and everything is very, very clear. 

The pain – which began as a dull ache in my jaws has turned into something hot and angry. 

And my mood, gruesome. 

Dark thoughts come to mind on the crest of each unmedicated, tear-filled minute. 

“Where is she?” I moan as our Labrador, Heather, lets me squeeze tighter.

But the throbbing grows stronger and the darkness grows darker, and my groans are too much even for Heather, who squirms from my grasp and slinks away, tail between her legs.

—————

The chimes of the clock remind me that Mom’s been gone for three hours and it feels as if my head will explode.

I now consider my mother, my captor and my tormentor.

And the blue velvet sofa, my prison of pain, where I dig my way deeper into its darkness and despair.

—————

In the fourth hour since Mom abandoned me, Jim and Mark approach my body beneath the blanket. Jim attempts a taunt, but when I slither from the covers and hiss, “Where’ssssss Mom?”, my gloom and sullen glare frightens even him. 

He gently, but firmly, grabs Mark’s shoulder and they retreat from the brooding scene… 

Misery will be my only acceptable companion this afternoon. 

And we’re inseparable.

Wretched and contemptible.

—————

The damned clock mocks me again, making it the fifth hour since our return and still no sign of Mom.

Shrouded in the pain and the darkness, still hidden beneath the blankets, my breath, my mood, and the TV, are disagreeable and inconsolable, and my thoughts, matricidal.

“How could she have forgotten about me?” I hiss into the drool-drenched pillow, unable to think of anything beyond the pain and this painful disappointment. 

————

As the seventh hour tolls and the sky grows dim, the sound of Mom’s approaching footsteps – which should signal the end of my suffering – instead fills me with rage. 

Seething in my blanketed underworld, hurtful words I’ve practiced for hours stand ready at the tip of my tongue. 

I can hear the crinkle of the white, paper bag from the pharmacy and Mom whispering, “Annie”. 

Both sounds try to pull me from the darkness, but I remain hidden.

“Where have you been!?” is all that squeaks out. 

I don’t really listen to her answer. 

I just take the bitter pill and turn over.

Within Close Range: Dinner at the Celanos’

Dinner means waiting.

It means setting the table 

with placemats and napkins,

and neatly set silver, 

pitchers of water 

and plates for your salad; 

and waiting and waiting,

as smells from the kitchen, 

from sizzling pans and simmering pots, 

waft through the house 

like intoxicating fog.

Making it hard to concentrate 

on anything but the the clock,

and the driveway, 

where we turn our attentions 

every few minutes, 

hoping for headlights.

Stomachs gurgling.

Tempers shortening.

Dad finally showing 

and ever so slowly…

shedding his suit. 

Un-harried. 

Unhurried 

to get the meal going. 

Though children are moaning. 

Haven’t eaten in minutes. 

But dinner begins 

when Dad’s ready to sit.

And no sooner.

Within Close Range: Curfew

Every mile or so, 

I glance to the clock. 

Hoping time will stop.

Or that it’s not really five o’clock.

The final mile along the road, 

I roll down the windows to air out the smell. 

The woodland creatures are beginning to shift,

so once in the driveway, I turn the lights off

and roll slowly along, with the engine hushed.

Safe inside, it’s straight to the fridge.

Grabbing cold pasta, I start up to bed.

But a light from the den stops me instead.

And before I can step a tip to a toe,

Dad rumbles from the den, 

strong and low.

And I have nowhere else to go.

Perched on his favorite, swivel chair, 

he’s flanked by portraits of ungrateful heirs.

Grumbling at the empty driveway 

and disappearing night,

he’s been swiveling there for hours 

without a child in sight.

Staring at my bloodshot eyes, 

he asks if I know the hour,

and things aren’t looking good 

for this early morning flower.

“What could you be doing 

until five in the morning?”

All at once, the truth pours forth 

without a single warning.

I tell Dad how the day was spent 

cooking with some friends, 

then going to a drive-in 

for a zombie marathon;

about the beautiful night 

and the shoreline fire, 

the remarkable moonlight 

as we waded in the water.

Baffled by my sudden truths, 

Dad takes a moment to recompute.

“I’m just waiting for your sister.”

(as the final plot twister)

were the next 

and last 

words from his mouth.

Equally confounded, 

I leave the scene ungrounded.

Looking from an upstairs window, 

just above where Dad keeps vigil,

I see the dawn beginning to dance, 

and know, poor Mia, 

doesn’t stand 

chance.

Within Close Range: The Double Date

Home from college,

my dance card empty,

Jean has ignored me

and arranged a double date. 

Making my way toward the kitchen

to re-hydrate my bone-dry jitters,

I pass Dad in the den. 

He’s sitting in the swivel chair, 

with his back to the windows, 

pretending he’s reading. 

He’s also pretending not to see me. 

Isn’t happy about this evening.

With boys ever at the heels of Mia and Chris, 

he takes frequent comfort in my constant datelessness. 

But really, is the The Garden Journal so utterly absorbing

that my noisy, high-heeled entrance, he’s utterly ignoring?

Not Dad.

(Can’t suppress eye roll.)

And what about Mom? 

Still hovering in the kitchen, 

without a purpose in sight. 

Both acting as this was my very first date. 

Not exactly soothing.

Just need to keep moving.

A difficult task in absurdly high heels

which already feel like burning coals.

Through my water glass, 

I watch Dad rotate right

to face the new, oncoming lights 

bouncing off the dimly lit walls.

A swivel slowly left, 

he’s watching Jean and our dates.

The doorbell’s ringing, 

but Dad’s not budging.

Instead, he’s whirled right back around 

that book might as well be upside down.

(Can’t suppress eye roll.)

I take a deep breath and open the door.

Jean’s smile is enormous. 

I look to the floor –

I know she’s trying.

But there’s something she’s hiding –

like my date being just about as happy as I am.

Reaching out a limp, wet hand

What’s this poor guy’s name again?

I hear swiveling. 

Dad’s up and coming.

Then… passing,

without so much as a greeting.

(Eye roll mentally happening.)

And why is he stopping,

pretending to search for something?

Empty-handed, he’s returning.

I can almost hear the growling.

Keeping his fixed glare –

swiveling like the chair –

on both the boys,

until he quietly disappears.

I push my companions out the door,

hoping the night will hide my humiliation 

and breath new life into this double date situation.

But I’m not counting on it,

and neither is Dad,

who’s peeking through the curtains, 

shaking his head 

as he calls to the kitchen,

“She won’t be marrying THAT one.”

(Can’t suppress eye roll.)

Within Close Range: an evening with officer gildemeister

An Evening with Officer Gildemeister

Been sitting here for hours,

finding haunted, frightened faces 

in the station floor’s contours.

Don’t know whether to be relieved 

that the next person I see,

isn’t Dad.

But I was simply standing there

when someone gave me my first beer.

Just before all hell broke loose

in the parking lot of St. Mary’s Church and School.

Everyone saw the squad car. 

Everyone but me –

and the boy who got busted with a bong – 

but now he’s even free.

The scene’s a constant loop in my head:

beers flying, 

friends fleeing, 

voices shouting,

me freezing.

Blinded by flashing.

Too late to fling it.

Too late for dashing.

Why did I leave that stupid dance?

I just went to see the band.

Hoping to spark the lead guitar’s flame,

but the flame from a first crush never came.

“Is there someone else I can call?”

I can think of one name, that’s all.

“They have to be adults,” the cop sneers.

“Dr. and Mrs.” I mumble.

Of course, he knows the teenage sons.

and thinks they’re nothing but trouble.

Dirty, hippy, smart ass punks 

with long hair and ripped jeans;

thundering laughs and motorbikes,

and EVERYTHING that he dislikes.

At last, a fast-moving figure, 

in a tousled wig of blonde, 

darts through the doors 

with a generous smile

to face the big man with the gun.

A lady of very small stature

she is nearly eclipsed by his size. 

“Are you going to tell her why you’re here?”

she looks up to the cop and she smiles,

“She doesn’t have to tell me a thing.”

was all she had to say,

stunning the big, little, speechless man

bringing joy to my miserable day.

I suppress the urge to hug her.

But she’ll get a tearful later.

And I’ll be forever grateful

to Inga, my memorable savior.

Within Close Range: Clogs

Lake Forest High School’s West Campus

is a giant, brick and cinder block monstrosity, 

designed with all the charm and comforts 

of a state penitentiary. 

Sterile, 

uninviting, 

uninspiring, 

practically windowless, colorless, 

and completely humorless. 

Its warden roams the cinder block dungeons 

in his plaid polyester sports coat, 

smelling of cigarettes and body odor; 

wielding his insignificant power 

with more brawn than brain.

I’ve done everything I can to steer clear.

But best laid plans…

Still mocking an outdated documentary 

on health, hygiene, and the hazards of smoking;

featuring mildly graphic surgery footage, 

phony teens in dungarees, 

and from a hole cut in his larynx,

a smiling man blowing smoke rings,

I start down the stairs to my next class

but never see past the very first step

because the clog on my right foot has chosen to go ahead – 

getting only as far as the arch, instead –

landing my half-clogged foot on the step’s metal edge.

I plunge toward a staircase-ful of surprised friends

and new enemies, 

twisting and hurtling through the innocent 

and unsuspecting.

Coming down hard on my back.

With the grim, fluorescent lighting above 

and the cold, cement floor below,

I am returned to the moment 

by the moans of the stunned and wounded 

getting to their feet.

I attempt to do the same, 

but am gently pushed back to the cold concrete.

“You can’t move.”

“I’m fine,” I sigh in response, 

attempting to sit up again.

“No,” says our teacher,

as she pushes me back to the ground 

(a little more firmly this time).

“I mean, I can’t let you move until the principal gets here.”

“I’M FINE!” explodes off the cinder block walls. 

Faces grimace.

The class is soon sent on their way,

while like a one-shoed idiot, there I lay…

waiting…

imagining how the news of my nose dive

is already spreading.

Sprinting unnecessarily up the flight of stairs; 

a figure is soon looming over me on the landing –

an oppressive cloud of Aqua Velva and brown plaid.

And now I’m truly wishing I was dead.

Finally ensuring my captors 

there’ll be no need for an ambulance, 

to lawyer up,

or even help me up,

I hobble away,

bruised and humiliated.

Less than two weeks later,

fate becomes a hater – 

as I tumble down another set of steps.

People are beginning to wonder. 

Including the school nurse,

who meets me at the office door, 

shaking her head. 

Scrutinizing my footwear.

She hates clogs. 

Thinks they should all be put in a big pile 

and burned.

Just wait til she catches sight of my new Dr. Scholl’s.

Within Close Range: At the Edge of the Bluff

It’s an early spring day in the heartland.

Anemic, damp and miserable.

Clumps of stubborn snow and ice, 

grey and grimy, 

still dot the sidewalks and lawns.

Faces look pale and anxious for sun.

After the usual sermon of incense and absolution,

followed by stacks of pancakes and sausages, 

we know something is up 

when Dad drives past our neighborhood, 

further and further from home.

Passing unfamiliar faces and unfamiliar towns,

until backseat boredom is about to grow horns.

Passing another tiny town, 

and a solid white, storybook farm,

Dad finally slows and signals a turn.

“Shoreacres Country Club, Members Only”, 

reads the uninviting sign.

Swallowed by the dark of the woods,

the wide, low wagon drifts silently down the road, 

flanked by a small, trickling brook, 

winding past towering trees 

and long stretches of green. 

Everything is covered in a fine, frigid gloom, 

including another set of pretty, white buildings,  

silent and still on this dreary afternoon.

As we drive by a faded, old, green water tower, 

headless and frightening in the fog, 

our destination is finally divulged: 

a new home.  

I sink further into the wagon’s rear seat, 

where the unfriendly neighborhood disappears 

and I can see nothing but the thick, dark clouds. 

The silence is broken only by the sound of gravel 

crunching beneath the wheels of the wagon, 

now weighted with disappointment.

We twist down a long driveway and stop.

So inching my way back up, 

I survey the house. 

It’s dark and sullen.

Like the day. 

And my mood. 

Dad says, “We’ll just take a peek.”

But even I know what that means.

So, like prisoners into an exercise yard, 

we file from the car, 

and stand in an unhappy cluster in front of the house –

which isn’t yellow – 

like ours.

Which has no sign of neighbors, 

a school, 

the Good Humor Man,

or a new treehouse –

like ours.

We’re coaxed to a long row of windows 

which look through the cold, empty rooms, 

and beyond,

where lies a huge expanse of lawn.

And water, as far as the eye can see.

Racing to the rear of the house, 

we stand the edge of the bluff, 

looking out over the grand, Great Lake

right there at our toes.

We can see the silhouette of Chicago, 40 miles south.

Excitement for this strange, new place now erupts.

This place will become significant for all of us:

A decades-long breeder of unsupervised fun.

First beers. 

First cigarettes

And, of course, first bongs.

Secret rendezvous for teenage loves.

Outbuildings will be havens for fainthearted runaways

who soon long for home just a few feet away.

Follies of youth.

Such glorious days.

Until this world begins to erode.

To implode.

And all begin to scatter.

But, oh, what fertile earth it was

living life in the woods 

at the edge of the bluff.

Within Close Range: Starting to Drown

I struggle when Mom tries to put on my water wings, promising that if she lets me go in without them, I’ll be super careful – stay shallow.

Eventually, she gives in and along the pool’s edge I shimmy until my toes no longer touch the smooth, white bottom and Mom is no longer hovering.

Holding tight to the edge with one hand, I dip below the surface and open my eyes in the clear, blue where I can see the bigger kids dunking and diving in every direction.

Wingless.

Fearless.

Floating and free.

The center of it all is now the place I most want to be, so feeling the rough, concrete surface of the pool deck pressing into the fingertips of one hand, I stretch the other toward the forbidden zone.

The fun.

My future.

And I let go, stretching my nostrils skyward and doggy-paddling furiously toward the deepest waters.

I set my sights on Chris, who’s in the center of the pool talking to Dad, standing at the edge of the shallow end, but half way to her suntanned back, my arms and legs suddenly betray me and before I know it, down I go, pool water filling my nose and mouth.

I scramble for the sun and the air.

For a voice. 

For Chris.

But each time I break the surface, my pleas are instantly drowned and I’m still out of reach of that suntanned back. 

In the instant before I go under again, I can hear Dad’s voice, but I can’t see him and he can’t see me because Chris is directly in line between us.

And with all the commotion… 

Someone please see me.  

But no one does and, once more, I sink.

This time, the thought of not reaching air again – or even worse, reaching it and losing it again – terrifies me. 

I claw for the murky surface, now light years away, but desperate thoughts weigh heavily on my tired legs.

And I want to stop trying.

Arms abruptly pull me to the surface, then to the side of the pool, where another strong and sure pair guides me to the warmth of the concrete deck, where I vomit up pool water and begin to cry.

Within Close Range: Betsy’s Dad’s Den

Each time I light the candle gifted me, a rich, earthy fragrance brings forward hazy memories.

Vague images which come briefly into view and then vanish amid so many forgotten days.

I light the candle again, and back they come.

Out of focus, but strong.

With the faint but familiar fragrance still in the air, still teasing my will-menopause-ever-end addled mind, I reach turn over the candle, hoping the label will reveal something – anything – that might re-animate these mislaid memories.

And there is my answer. 

Pipe Tobacco.

Mr. Gould’s den suddenly comes into focus.

Tucked in the corner of the Gould’s grey-green, two chimney, Colonial, which sits a short block from the edge of Lake Michigan. 

You can find it by heading straight east down Scranton Avenue, the main street of Lake Bluff’s hardly-a-downtown-business-district.

The old house sits in a quiet spot amid tree-filled lots and winding ravines and looks as if it had been there almost as long as the trees which tower over it. 

Stepping into the Gould’s house is like stepping from Mr. Peabody’s Way Back Machine. 

Everything – from its old plaster and uneven, wood floors, to its cozy nooks and small, sunlit rooms filled with old things – incites my imagination. 

And oh, the kitchen – old bricks and beams – always smelling of fresh-baked bread. 

At least in my head.

Betsy cuts thick slices off a golden brown loaf cooling on the tall counter and we sink our teeth into the still warm, chewy insides that hint of honey and butter and leave our fingers powdered with flour.

And my stomach hungry for more. 

With the final crusts stuffed into our mouths, we climb the steep, narrow, crooked flight of stairs to Betsy’s room, straight ahead. 

Two rooms, really. One being her bedroom, the other, a small, summer sleeping porch with northwest walls of old, paned windows; where generations of restless sleepers sought lake breezes during the dependably hot and humid Midwest summer nights. 

Cots and cotton nightgowns. 

Late summer sun and the strident thrum of crickets. 

Another time still haunts the corners of this room.

Ghosts hidden beneath the piles of fabric, patterns, and sewing stuff cluttering the small, bright space at the corner of the Gould’s old, grey-green, two-chimney Colonial near the lake.

We spread out across Betsy’s high bed and talk dreamily about our four favorite men: John, Paul, George and Ringo. Spinning their albums until daylight leaves and my ride home appears at the front door.

The rest of the upstairs is a mystery to me, being two-thirds occupied by teen brothers, whose rare appearances and even rarer visits to Betsy’s room usually last briefly and annoy her thoroughly. 

They simply scare the shit out of me.

On occasion, when Betsy seeks out her dad during my visits, we wander back down the creaky, old stairs, through the dark front entry hall (which no one ever seems to enter through) to the one and only place I ever recall seeing Betsy’s Dad.

His den.

With a timid rap on the solid, old door, we hear his gentle voice give permission to enter this space.

His special place.

His sanctuary.

And it is here, as the door opens and I enter behind my best friend, that the smell of sweet and spicy, earthy and smoky, becomes a part of me. 

As does the sight of Mr. Gould behind his desk. 

Smoking his pipe. 

Sweatered like the perfect professor. 

Ever engaging his hands and his mind.

Creating. 

Drawing. 

Building dreams.

And ships in bottles.

Magnificent, masted vessels of extraordinary detail. Masterfully and meticulously constructed and painted within ridiculously constrained confines. 

When finished, each ship joins the miniature armada that floats on a sea of books on wooden shelves, near paneled walls, and paned windows with mustard drapes; above a glass-topped coffee table filled with shells and sticky sand from spilled milks.

Each night (Betsy tells me), without fail, her dad closes those long, mustard-colored curtains overlooking Scranton Avenue and sits at his desk to busy his hands and block out the world. 

Yet each and every time a car drives past, she finds it most mysterious that he draws the drapes back – just enough to watch the car pass – and then closes them again, and returns to his task.

And his deliciously fragrant pipe.

And his secret snacks – Pepsi and Fritos – hidden beneath his desk.

And there he stays, hour after hour, day after day, year after year, making beautiful things for make-believe worlds. 

I would have liked to sit in there for hours exploring the books, the shelves, the bottles, and the mind of a quiet, creative man. 

All of which are out of reach.

Yet now reach out. 

Calling me back to the old, grey-green, two-chimney, Colonial on Scranton Avenue.

To Betsy’s dad’s den.

To his ships and his pipes.

And the sweet aroma.

To fresh baked bread.

And lazy afternoons.

With best friends.

Within Close Range: Chief – in three parts

Part One:

Chief is an ornery Appaloosa, 

short and fat, 

with black spots on the rump of his dirty, white coat. 

And the devil in his eyes. 

Of little training and no past consequences,

he’s a 9th birthday present from Dad – 

whose childhood pets were porcelain cats – 

and mostly Mom, 

a self-proclaimed Missouri farm girl,

with a steely, stubborn confidence over competence.

From the other side of the pasture fence, 

she urges me to remount:

“Make him know who’s boss!”

I struggle to my feet 

and limp toward the obvious answer

now grazing on prairie grass and wildflowers.

In between greedy mouthfuls, 

Chief raises his wild, blue eyes, 

beneath poorly cut bangs –

which I do myself. 

(No wonder he’s ornery.)

He’s quietly watching my pained approach 

and just as I get within a few feet, 

with a flick of his tail, he’s off – 

bucking and snorting as he goes.

Mom’s words are unrecognizable 

from the far end of the field.

But the tone is clear. 

So I move toward my spotted nemesis,

expecting him to bolt at any moment.

But this time, he lets me mount.

It’s all too easy, a voice inside warns.

But Mom’s is louder.

Barely settled in the saddle, 

Chief lifts his head and pins his fuzzy ears

flat against his thick skull.

Grabbing the reins and the horn, 

I know what’s coming.

Somehow still in the saddle at the canter, 

annoys my little, four-hoofed devil, 

who swerves from his path toward a cluster of pines.

Two, in particular,

which stand a pony’s width apart. 

I close my eyes and hold on tight.

Like yarn through an embroidery needle,

Chief threads us between the pines.

Scraped from their stirrups, 

my little legs bounce off of the pony’s big rear-end 

as we leave the trees for pasture 

and gallop toward Mom;

who’s still lobbing impractical words over the fence.

I feel my grasp on the saddle-horn weaken,

as my resolve that I’ll soon be tasting earth, 

grows.

And I let go.

Part Two:

Mom thinks a pal might keep Chief calmer. 

So early one spring, in comes Billy Gold: 

a blue ribboned, well-trained, Palomino,

which we trailered behind the wagon 

from his Missouri home.

Chief dislikes the new arrival immediately.

I think he’s dreamy

with his white/blonde mane and ginger coat, 

still winter thick and warm to the touch. 

Feeding him a carrot,

his hot breath and fuzzy lips 

tickle the palm of my cold, red hand.

Mark and Mia remain on the fence.

Watching.

Still unsure of whether Billy Gold –

like Chief –

is sinister.

In my thickly lined hood, 

tied tight against the cold, lake winds, 

I don’t understand their warnings

until far too late. 

Chief’s powerful teeth clamp down.

The pain in my butt is searing.

I’m howling.

Billy Gold bolts.

But Chief just stands there.

A nose length’s away.

Staring.

As I hop around the half-frozen earth,

swearing.

And rubbing the area already swelling.

My siblings’ shocked silence explodes into laughter, 

followed by a closely contested race to the house 

to see who’ll be the first to blather. 

Meanwhile, a purple-red welt, 

banded by marks of Chief’s big, front teeth, 

grows and throbs with each step toward the house

where Mom greets me with an ice pack 

and an ungoverned smile. 

Part Three:

When Chief isn’t trying to shed us,

or eat us,

he’s on the lam.

Devilishly clever.

Expected and regular.

The phone rings. 

Mom cringes.

Apologizes. 

Then sounds the alarm.

Steering the station wagon straight toward town.  

We found him in a graveyard once, 

On a foggy morning, one fall. 

Striking terror in the old caretaker 

who thought he’d seen it all.

Until galloping across the graves, 

he saw a ghostly, pony-sized sight,

with bad bangs, 

bouncing in the soupy light.

Pursued closely by a tall, beautiful, blonde 

in flowing, full length, lime-green chiffon. 

His hands still trembling 

when we waved from the road,

as we slowly crept toward home 

with our pony in tow.

But much of the time, Chief’s antics are close

and off I dash with grain and a rope; 

tracking my pony’s sod-ripping route 

through the blue-blood, buttoned-up neighborhood, 

across disapproving neighbors’ pristine lawns. 

From behind their glass houses, 

shaking heads frown.

One rainy, spring day, while chasing the brat,

he stops his mad bucking 

and turns in his tracks

to face me.

He pins his ears, which puts me on guard.

Then that damn pony starts to charge!

I am quite sure that we’re going to collide

When a voice – 

loud and fed up – 

calls from inside.

I drop the bucket of grain.

I drop the pony’s halter.

I gather all my courage.

My universe is itching to alter.

Setting my feet and standing my ground, 

I watch him close the gap.

And just as he’s an arm’s length away…

I give him a great, big

SLAP

at the tip of his long, white snout.

Suddenly, all Chief’s piss and vinegar

done

run

OUT! 

With a half-hearted snort, 

he lowers his poorly banged head, 

turning his devilish focus 

on the grain bucket instead.

And with noses aligned, 

we linger toward home, 

understanding more of each other 

than we had ever known.

Within Close Range: Candied Abandon

Something scrumptious 

always simmering 

in an old enamel pot. 

Looks to have cooked a million meals 

one hopes will never stop.

But as delectable to me 

as these savory delights,

Nonna and Papa’s home 

is a sweet-tooth paradise.

A candy-coated, chocolate-covered, 

fantasyland,

with countless confectionaries 

ever at hand.

Coffee candy, toffee bits.

Circus peanuts, caramel nips. 

Cookie tins with crescents 

that melt on my tongue,

leaving powdered-sugar fingerprints 

wherever I’ve gone.

In nightstands, TV stands, 

and cabinets, wall-to-wall;

in boxes, and pockets, 

and purses in the hall.

I scan all the shelves 

for a glimmer of color

through crystal candy dishes 

in a glass-front cupboard.

On a mirrored table 

beside the velvety green couch,

I find a lidded coffer 

that has gone untouched.

Chasing my greedy reflection 

over the mirrored table top,

I see no misgivings, 

as I reach for the box.

Those would come later, 

when at the dinner table,

Nonna presses me to eat, 

but I simply unable.

Which is simply

not

done.

Within Close Range: Flying

I dream of flying.

Lifting off the edge of the bluff

and rising quickly 

toward the fat, lazy clouds

hovering over the great, grey lake.

Circling the nearby harbor

where scattered sailboats bob, 

I swoop and dive

like the swallows nearby,

but seek out more familiar forms

hidden back among the trees,

just far enough 

from the crumbling bluff

to put Dad’s mind at ease.

To the glowing kitchen window

and the figure of Mom 

in her pink, plaid apron.

Ever regal.

Ever busy

in her blue and yellow kitchen.

I hover there,

in the cool lake air,

listening to the happy clinks and clanks

of pots and plates.

And try to imagine what’s cooking

by what’s wafting through the windows.

Until a strong breeze 

lifts the aroma 

and me

back over the lake.

Past the sunken, old pier

where giant carp spawn 

year after year.

Past the rocky harbor walls

standing hard against the waves.

Until the house 

and the cottage 

and the beach 

disappear,

and I begin to really soar

over endless stretches 

of dark and deep.

Unhappy to find my bed

and solid ground beneath me 

when I wake.

Within Close Range: Florida Days – the early years

It’s a small, but airy, two bedroom 

built at the corner of an inland canal; 

brightly decorated in yellows, greens, blues and whites, 

and perpetually shaded from the Sunshine State.

A peculiar land of tropical scents 

and strikingly unfamiliar sights. 

Far removed from the only place I know at night,

home.

Put to bed too early, 

I lie in the sitting room-turned-my-room, 

tossing and turning on the lumpy sofa-bed

for what seems like hours and hours on end.

Listening intensely to the sounds of apartment living

made especially audible by the glass-vented door

opening onto the curved building’s exterior hall.

My slatted portals to an unknown world. 

To the sounds of the apartment people 

returning from the pool, 

the shops, 

the grocers, 

dinner out.

Of doorbells ringing 

and little feet skipping, 

hugs and kisses 

and friendly greetings; 

of moist, briny winds 

carrying the scents 

of jasmine and orange blossoms,

and parking lot asphalt.

The smell of ladies’ perfumes 

as they stroll past my door.

The echo of laughter in the nearby stairwell 

and their happy words

which disappear 

with the sudden click of a heavy car door.

Murmurs from the living room TV 

add to this strange symphony,

with familiar sounds 

and flickering lights 

that seep through the bottom of the door, 

casting short, cryptic shadows 

on the thickly carpeted, 

recently vacuumed floor.

Comforting is the knowledge 

that Papa is in the room next door. 

Feet up, 

arms folded high across his belly, 

and a large RC Cola at his side. 

Grinning at Clem Kadiddlehopper, 

or growling at the Chicago Bears.

When Papa finally turns the television off,

I lie in the still and unfamiliar dark.  

The inland water’s slow, buoyant motion, 

lulls me into a deep and scented slumber.

until the morning,

when I linger on the lumpy mattress 

and listen to the apartment people 

begin their days. 

Wooed by the sounds of others stirring,

I stretch toward kitchen utensils clanking

and the smells of breakfast cooking 

on the other side of the wall.

Oh these, my Florida days.

Of sand slipping away beneath my tiny feet,

and seashell hunts as the sun dips low; 

of Nonna’s curled and bunioned toes 

and skinny, seagull legs 

dipping into the foamy waves, 

but never past her knees. 

These early days of sunset walks 

along a stretch of beach 

that leads to a lighthouse 

and a creaky, tottering wharf 

where Papa likes to take a walk. 

And I like to walk with him. 

Where fishing boats have funny names 

and a tiny gift shop, 

in a weather-beaten shanty, 

sells orange gum-balls 

packed in little, wooden crates

which Papa buys for his little, Pie-Face.

Of bright, green lizards 

skittering across pastel walls, 

and pats on the head 

by terrycloth clad men 

playing cards in the shade of umbrellas. 

Where suntanned women 

with the giant bosoms 

and ever-blooming swim caps 

wade in the shallow end, 

with big, dentured smiles 

for the little one visiting Lenore.

Oh these, my Florida days.

Within Close Range: Uncle John’s Burgundy Velvet Tuxedo Jacket

Uncle John has a burgundy, velvet tuxedo jacket.

For decades, he’s worn it to every black tie event

and Aunt Ar makes sure there are plenty.

Atop a sea of black and white convention

the tall, dark man moves quietly in his curious, velvet burgundy.

Well-heeled and headstrong, he ever insists, 

as long as the jacket fits – it fits.

Unswayed by the loud public statement 

his offbeat fashion statement makes

for such a guarded, taciturn, conventional man.

Within Close Range: The Youngest

We watch the station wagon back out of the driveway. 

Mom waves through the open window before slowly pulling away. 

It’s just a few errands, but Mark is inconsolable. 

Tries to follow her.

Chris sweeps him up, but he squirms with all of his might and wins the fight. 

Falling to his knees and then to all fours, the youngest of five laments the loss by slamming his soft head on the hard blacktop.

Shocked by the scene, I race to the street, hoping Mom will see me wave and shift to reverse. 

But the station wagon turns the corner and disappears from sight.

Back in Chris’s arms, I can see Mark’s forehead is already swollen and bruised. 

Pockmarked from the pavement. 

Gravel still clinging to his brow. 

Silently, the three of us turn toward the house.

Motherless and miserable.

Within Close Range: Tiny Terrors

I save every penny I can to buy things for my very first household: a two-story, six room, pale yellow Colonial with black shutters, rose-filled window boxes, and a square footage of about three.

Placing my tiny, new items in their tiny, proper places, house proud and satisfied, I head downstairs to the laundry room for dusting rags. 

I’m only gone a few minutes.

But as I come around the front facade of my beautiful home – thinking of fake-watering my fake flowers –  I’m shocked and horrified.

The tiny patriarch of my miniature clan is not where I left him, sitting on the living room sofa, with a wee book in his lap. 

Daughter is still at the piano where I left her, but slumped over. 

Arms splayed across the keys.

I find Father directly above, in the four poster bed, pant-less and laying rather indelicately on top of Mother; while in the bathroom, next door, Baby has been stuffed – diapers up – in the porcelain toilet with the long chain pull. 

Fearful, my eyes move to Grandmother’s room next door, slightly disappointed to find nothing – no one.

Maybe Grandmother is safe.

But the thought is fleeting when in the kitchen below, I find her.

Sweet, old, grey-haired Grandmother (with the tiny bun I carefully brush with the tip of my finger), has been shoved in the oven of the cast iron stove – wood burning, mind you, but with the same gruesome effect. 

The soles of her sensible shoes searing into my memory.

But where’s Son? 

He’s not in the fridge, under the sofa, or in the clawfoot tub. 

There’s only one place left… 

Slowly raising the balsa-shingled roof (which Jim was forced to cut and glue as punishment for his last dollhouse infraction) of my pale yellow, Colonial house with black shutters and rose-filled windows boxes, I can’t see him anywhere.

Then I spy the tiny trunk in the corner…

Within Close Range: Tornado Watch

The cement-floored, window-welled basement of the house is the biggest indoor space we have to spread out, but it comes at a price. 

My bare feet are regular magnets for misplaced thumb tacks; while an escaped gerbil, who disappeared beneath appliances, leaves the already dank underground smelling like fabric softener and tiny, rotting corpse. 

It’s also the first place we head every spring when tornado season arrives and the local siren sounds, sending neighborhood kids scattering to their homes, and Mom shuffling everyone down below, where we wait for incoming reports. 

With the TV and radio competing and other siblings playing, I stare out the small, ground-level window, half-hoping to see the funnel at the end of the our street, moving down its center, like a spinning top, whirling and powerless.

Even though I know a tornado isn’t powerless. 

It’s dangerous and threatening my world.

Comforting is the sight of Mom ironing; while through the grimy glass I wait for the mean, dark sky to lighten, the all-clear to sound, and life in the neighborhood to return to its routine.

Within Close Range: The Nights There Are Fights

My bedroom is at the end of the second floor hallway.

Right above the living room 

and Mom and Dad’s bedroom.

I hear fights my siblings don’t – 

or at least don’t tell me.

A hard thing to bring to a game of H-O-R-S-E.

On the nights there are fights, 

I never feel more alone in this full house.

Sinking through the empty blackness of my room.

Drowning in the fury 

and the screaming 

and my pillow.

Desperate for it to stop, 

or for me to find the courage to make him stop.

Picturing the nearest item 

that will offer the hardest blow.

A cane from the stand, 

just down the stairs, 

and through the door below.

… If I hear it once more…

But I never find the courage, 

just anger and confusion,

and early recognition 

of a marriage that malfunctions.

Making monsters in the madness 

and words into weapons.

And me into a quivering mess 

under my blankets 

in the dark of my room.

Praying for it to stop, 

or me to sleep.

Within Close Range: The Neighborhood

Just northwest of Chicago, in Deerfield, Illinois, King’s Cove is 1960s, middle-class suburbia, where Good Humor trucks and men in white hats sell Chocolate Eclair bars with the solid chocolate centers, as they jingle past weedless, well-mown lawns and small, tree-filled lots.

Where neighbors are friends, your best friends are neighbors, and school is the next block over. 

Our house in King’s Cove is an unmistakable yellow, like hard-boiled egg yolk, as is the wood grain panelling on the side of the Grand Safari station wagon after Mark, a paint can, and a brush are left unattended. 

And even though it’s small for seven, it never feels crowded, except in the one, tiny bathroom we kids share. 

All tangles and toothpaste.

Our yolky Colonial has all that we need, all that we know: a small front yard with a tiny patch of grass and a newly planted tree, a split rail fence, and a lawn in back. 

Dad built a treehouse here, where my best friends, Cherie Dusare and Lynn Bubear and I, hoist the ladder, shut the trap door, and nurture our first true friendships, formed by first experiences. 

And I begin to discover the courage to find my own voice among the din of four siblings.  

No longer contented by blanket and thumb and going quietly unnoticed in our tiny world of well-worn paths through quiet backyards, which lead to school and monkey bars, and friends the next street over; where each winter, the Jayne’s sloping lawn next door turns to a sledding hill and every summer, the Beak’s back patio and mossy garden pond come alive with wildlife in the shade of the trees.

I like to sit on the small, stone, vine-covered wall and watch big-eyed frogs, bold chipmunks and bright orange koi go about their business of being beside the small, trickling waterfall, in the dark, green garden of this house on the corner.

Across the street live Amy and Abbey, the dark-haired twins – and my friends – who dress the same and make me wonder what it would be like to see another… be another me?

But my best friends live at the other end of the block where the three of us sneak into the Dusare’s paneled living room, enticed by taboo and a best friend’s promise of seeing a picture of naked men. 

Tip-toeing and giggling as we cross the shag carpeting, socks and static electricity spark already heightened senses. Cherie knows exactly where the album is in the long, low, hi-fi cabinet with the accordion door. 

She grabs it and holds it to her chest, scanning the scene for signs of adults. 

My heart beats through my crocheted vest. 

This is my apple. 

I take my first bite.

Thanks to dim, red lighting and well-placed fog machines, Three Dog Night offer me little more than a nibble. 

But my curiosity is peaked.

And it’s my very first secret to keep with my first best friends from the neighborhood.

Within Close Range: Speech Class

Walking hand in hand through the woods to Sherwood Elementary – just Mom and me – I stay in the playground, hanging by my knees against the cool, metal monkey bars; looking upside down at the grey, September sky, wondering what I’ve done to make Mrs. Paschua, my first grade teacher, want a meeting.

On our way home, Mom explains that they talked about the way I speak and why I might have troubles with certain sounds. Mrs. P. thought Mom might be the reason – perhaps a foreigner (with that foreign-sounding name).

I giggle when Mom tells me how surprised my teacher was to discover that Mom – that we – are as exotic as apple pie. 

But I love the thought of someone thinking I’m different. It makes me feel special.

Sherwood Elementary thinks I’m special too. Enough to take me out of class each week to send me to speech therapy, where they work the entire year to make me sound just like everyone else.

But I know, I’ll never sound like anyone else.

Within Close Range: The Great Chicken Debate

Whether going out or eating in, food either consumes Nonnie’s thoughts or busies her hands for hours each day, managing laborious feats and four-course, Italian feasts – piping hot dishes of handmade manicotti or tender, breaded cutlets, garlicky vegetables, hot rolls, vinegary salads and sweet desserts.

Second helpings are always encouraged at Nonnie’s dinner table and praise for the cook, expected – as well as a little too vehemently rejected.

The three greatest mis-steps at this Italian table? 

One: cutting spaghetti. 

Either twist it or prepare for a gentle cuff on the back of the head from Papa. 

Two:  if all diners are not seated at the table while the food is still visibly steaming… Nonnie will burst several blood vessels. 

And three:  never…EVER… say you’re not hungry. 

Utter blasphemy.

We like to rattle her with unexpected visits and ravenous appetites, watching her forage through the refrigerator and freezer, brimming with outwardly unidentifiable, but doubtlessly delicious leftovers, sealed inside ancient Tupperware and old Cool Whip containers. 

Happy to see us, but perceptibly agitated that she can only offer what she sees as barely acceptable fare, each serving is dished up with a generous dollop of misgiving.

I’ve never known anyone as good at cooking as Nonnie, who complained about it more.

So it’s little wonder that while visiting in Florida, the moment Papa announces we’re having dinner out, a palpable – near frenetic – excitement  electrifies the apartment.

Following the proclamation, Nonnie spends most of the day in her housecoat, in a walk-run, making sure everyone’s dress clothes are pressed precisely, her hair is maintaining its proper “do” beneath a sea-green hair net, snack intake is severely monitored, and her sisters, Camille and Rose, are consulted and updated (via long distance) on EVERYTHING.

For Nonnie, dining out is the equivalent to an audience with the Pope. 

For me, such an event proves far more predictable than papal. 

More “Holy Cow” than Holy Spirit.

And it most definitely means Italian – old school – with its enticing smells and curtained nooks, smartly dressed waiters with thick accents, and an animated maitre d’ who greets everyone like family. 

It means trompe l’oeil walls of rural Tuscan scenes, rich, red fabrics draping doorways, and rolling dessert carts filled with cannoli and tiramisu.

From well below the mouthwatering chaos, I watch the loaded serving trays — piled high with pastas and soups, roasted chickens and fresh seafood — pass deftly overhead, with a “Scuza, Signorina!”, until a hand on my shoulder gently guides me out of the busy traffic and into a chair in front of a round table covered in linens and complex table settings. 

A fast-moving figure from behind casts a well-aimed cascade of ice water into one of the two stemmed glasses set at eye-level before me.

Tempted and tormented by big baskets of breadsticks and freshly baked rolls, my hand’s gently spanked away from a second helping.

“You’ll spoil your dinner,” Nonnie scolds. (What she secretly has in mind is a bakery heist for tomorrow’s breakfast.)

Excitement rises with the arrival of the menu which ignites imaginations and appetites.

Wherein the problem lies… with inexplicable regularity, when presented with an abundance of choices, Nonnie almost inevitably orders veal.

The choice seems harmless, but it’s enough to make family members cringe and Papa’s blood boil – not because baby cow meat is one of Nonnie’s favorite things to eat, but because every time she orders veal (whether Marsala or Picante, upscale joint or neighborhood favorite), she usually ends up taking only a couple of bites.

One for eternal optimism.

The other, raging cynicism.

Then raising her head from her plate and, wearing utter disappointment as a mourning veil, complains meekly but unmistakably.

“This isn’t veal… This is chicken.”

And like clockwork, another battle in Nonnie’s tireless crusade to unmask poultry dressed in calf’s clothing begins, prompting children to slip lower in their seats and adults to start commenting about the day’s weather; while Papa bows his head and sighs with exasperated disbelief. 

He and his wife then begin a short-lived, but emotionally escalating and frustrating exchange that will end with Papa vowing to never take Nonnie out to a restaurant again, and Nonnie looking self-righteous, misunderstood and miserable, as she rummages through her dinner-roll-filled-handbag looking for a tissue.

The drive home is what I imagine floating in space is like.

Silent. 

Solitary. 

Dark.

Except for the lights emanating from the dashboard (most particularly, the green turn signal arrow which Papa habitually leaves blinking) which let me know other life forms still exist.

A few days pass, then Papa announces we were going out to dinner. 

Again. 

(Sigh.)

Nonnie’s excitement rises anew… 

Until the waiter approaches her with his pen and pad in hand, and with all eyes anxiously upon her… she orders the veal.

And Papa ends up swearing that it’s the very last time he’ll ever take her out to dinner.

A vow he’ll repeat until the day he dies.

Nonnie, however, will work tirelessly in her quest for veal for decades more.

Within Close Range: The Elevator

From the time the youngest of us is moving independently of a parent, Gina, Mary, Mia and I are seen as a small, drifting quartet of cousins at family gatherings. 

Two distinct gene pools, one common goal: to discover new spaces and unknown places, where no eyes and “No!”s could block our intentions. 

Not to sit and behave, but explore the dark closets and dusted cabinets of quiet rooms far from grown-ups, though never far from mischievous brothers. 

Gina usually rouses us to expand our adult-free borders; opening doors and waving us through – and when things don’t kill us – boldly stepping past us. Reassuming command.

And we follow.

Just as we do when she leads us out the door of Nonnie and Papa’s apartment and down a long, humdrum hallway of dubious hues, and thick, padded carpet that silences our patent leather footsteps and makes us whisper.

Without any wear on my new, leather soles, I slip and I slip as we pick up the pace of our great escape, past dark, numbered doors behind which come the murmurs of TVs and mumbled voices, and other people’s lives.

Our little flock focuses on the big, brown, metal door at the end of the hall which will lead us to uncharted worlds and unsupervised floors; to a quiet, pristine lobby where unsat-on furniture needs to be sat on, and plants are dusted; and the floor is so highly polished, it glitters and gleams like a magical, marble lake that I want to skate on in my stockinged feet.

Mary presses the button with the arrow pointing down. The elevator hums and clicks and begins to move, and the newly learned numbers over the door blink in slow succession, until the lift stops and the door slides open.

In our reluctance to fully accept our independence, we hesitate and the door glides shut. But there’s an unspoken allegiance, so Mary re-presses the button, and back open it slides. 

Pushing us into the small, room with dark wood panelling, Gina reaches for the lowest button, and off we go to the little known land of the lobby. I can see its floor before the door is fully open. It shimmers and shines and lures me from the safety of my flock and the moving box.

Gina follows.

Mary follows.

Mia doesn’t.

We watch her tiny body disappear behind the sliding, metal door. 

Mary and Gina’s big, brown, Italian eyes go wide and I feel something – panic – suddenly rise. The elevator starts moving, the numbers start lighting, and Mia’s now off on her own adventure – without Captain or crew, or even a clue, as to where she’s going. 

At a loss for what to do, we just stare at the door of the moving contraption which slowly ascends to the top floor and stops. Will she get off and try to find her way back to Nonnie and Papa’s? 

Does she even know what floor they live on?… 

Wait… 

Do we? 

With this grim realization, the once strong lure of shiny floors and silky chairs is now replaced with powerful thoughts of Mia and Mom and home; of familiar faces, full plates of pasta, filled candy dishes.

And facing consequences.

Worried and wordless, we hear the elevator again click into motion and anxiously watch the numbers descend, kind of hoping when the door slides open, we see a familiar grown-up, or… 

Mia!

Standing in the exact same spot in center of the elevator where she’d been deserted, looking slightly startled, but happy to see us. 

Before losing her again, we jump in and watch the elusive lobby disappear behind the sliding door. 

Now all we need to figure out is what button will lead us home. 

Gina presses all of them.

When the elevator next stops, we hope to recognize something or someone, but nothing and no one is there. The next floor offers a replica of the last and I feel tears bubbling just below the surface. 

As the door opens to the third floor, it reveals a sight I thought I’d never be happy to see, Jim and John, sent out to search for their sisters and cousins.

“WE FOUND ‘EM!”, Jim hollers, as the boys race back down the brown and beige hall, to the front door of the apartment where Nonnie stands shushing… and waiting… with oven mitt and apron, and a look of consternation.

A scolding is at hand.

Gina smiles at each of us, then turns toward Nonnie.

And we follow.

Within Close Range: The Devil at Lake Forest Cemetery

There’s a grave in the corner of the Potter’s Field at Lake Forest Cemetery. 

Rumors tell of devils and demons, 

of curses and misfortune; 

of strange things happening to graveside visitors.

But I’m curious. 

And bored.

Finding two equally bored cohorts, we head out in my convertible. 

Autumn whipping our hair. 

The heater blasting on our legs as we wind along Sheridan Road, 

beneath the red, yellow, orange and brown leaves 

silently floating to the ground on the fishy lake breeze; 

shrouding the lawns, 

the sidewalks, 

the forests, 

and the last season, 

in moist, earthy layers. 

Entering the cemetery beneath its great, grey gateway, 

we haven’t a clue as to which way to go; 

only away from the grand mausoleums and stone angels 

that mark the graves of the rich and powerful. 

We find the unmarked field 

down a short, dead-end lane

already twice passed.

A small, unkempt and inconspicuous patch.

No statues, flags, or flowers.

No benches or shade for mourners.

Just a sad stretch of grass, 

cornered by a chainlink fence, 

choked with neglected vines 

and scraggly branches of struggling pines.

Phil and Betsy step into a small ravine separating us from the forgotten field. 

Their feet, ankles and shins sink into a river of yellow and brown leaves  

and I’m startled by the thought of them disappearing.

Swallowed by some, strange, autumnal underworld.

Eased only when both climb out on the other side.

Wandering up and down the quiet plot, 

we find nothing but nameless headstones. 

Unadorned and unnoticed. 

So many stories untold.

Until we happen upon a half-buried cross 

at the very corner of the lot 

where the wealthy suburb’s poor 

were given their unsung plot.

Barely legible, Damien, is scratched on a crudely made crucifix, 

toppled by wandering roots of the towering, lakeside trees.

Smothered by overgrown grass and thick, green moss.  

Who cared enough to mark a life among the many lost?

Hovering over the grave, we tell our own tales about death, 

the damned and Damien,  

until the daylight disappears behind a dark cloud rolling in off the lake, 

silent and mountainous, 

like a great, grey whale.

Wicked gusts of wind suddenly turn the sky to twisting, twirling, whirling leaves. 

Turning our backs to its unexpected violence, we race to the car,

laughing and swearing 

and shivering in our meager layers.

As the last roof latch clicks into place, the sky over us turns black and wild, 

shaking the convertible.

I clutch the wheel and smile at my friends.

A seasonal storm… 

or something more sinister?

Best to ask later. 

I turn the key, but nothing happens.

After a moment of startled looks and nervous laughter, 

I try again.

Not a sound, except the pounding rain and my impassioned pleas.

On the third try, the engine fires up 

and my shaking hands quickly shift the car into gear. 

Phil and Betsy urge me forward a little too loudly. 

Just as the cemetery gates appear in the rear view mirror, 

the violent storm ends,

and the sun, as quickly as it had abandoned the scene, 

reappears

as we hurry away from Damien’s grave 

on this strange, but strangely perfect autumn day.

Within Close Range: First Dance

When the station wagon rolls away from the curbside, dark and swarming with youth, I begin hunting for familiar faces or voices amid the chatter and the laughter. 

Desperate not to be standing alone among the dimly lit clusters huddling on the church lawn, cowering, I weave toward the bright light of an open door where a line of my peers is slowly filing into the basement for the Friday night dance.

Plenty of familiar faces dot the scene, but not a friendly one in sight. Until there, at the bottom of the crowded stairs, flash the comfortable smiles of good friends, as happy as I am at the sighting.

Into the dim and din of the dance, we move in a small, giggling mass to areas of equal un-interest: the drinks table, the snack counter – then, to the sidelines surrounding the dance floor, where tiny gangs of nervous pre-teens and new teens twitch, taunt and tell tales.

A group of boys laugh and push and swat at each other as they glance across the floor at a particular ring of girls. Finally, the boy with red hair and distractingly long limbs plucks enough courage to cross the floor toward the girl he’d been dared to ask to dance. 

But just as he’s making his way across the vast, sparsely populated stretch of beige and green-checkered linoleum, a popular song comes on which springs the crowd – and his targeted partner – into action. 

The dance floor erupts with awkward motion.

The moment – and momentum – are lost.

But the darkness emboldens, and as the first slow song starts spinning conquests are won, as the line drawn between the opposite sexes begins to blur. 

Now the dare proves not only daring, but profoundly stirring. 

Alluring.

One song leads to another, and another, and another.

New couples on the dance floor encourage others across the hot and cramped basement. 

And the boundaries blur further.

Are any eyes on us? 

On me?

Retreating to the easy obscurity of a dark corner, I watch the clock on the wall – and my friends – whose eyes now focus across the room. 

Across the divide.

Within Close Range: Streets of Saltine

It happens every few months or so. 

There’s never any warning… except that it can happen at any time.

All it takes is a gathering – a restless mob brought together by the arrival of bags from the grocers, the disappearance of anything mildly amusing on television, and as the most logical response to the endlessly gray, listless, Midwestern days. 

All it requires are two essentials: a box of saltine crackers pulled from the aforementioned grocery bags, and the disappearance of the herd boss to the back forty. 

The challenge comes forth – hushed but fierce – with the flash of a sneer, a glint in the eye, a furtive glance to the cupboard, the challenger, then the cupboard once more. 

The seasoned contestants: Jim (spurred into battle by a thirst for victory and an appetite for salt) and myself (the middle, misunderstood child), roused to competition by the absence of anything even slightly better to do.

With the doors leading out of the kitchen quietly closed, siblings crowd around the kitchen island, anxious for some mastication action. 

The challengers sit facing each other across the well-worn, linoleum countertop the color of vanilla ice cream. With the large, rectangular box of Premium Saltines placed between us, brows knit with steely determination, as eyes focus on the cracker skyscraper growing higher and higher before them.

“Water!” Jim calls to his ever-faithful minion, Mark.


“Wimp!” I prod my already over-stimulated sibling.

“Ready when you are,” he whispers through a half-chewed plastic straw dangling from the corner of his smirk.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I swallow, feeling the moisture completely evaporate from the tip of my tongue to my tonsils.

The objective: to finish the pile of crackers and be the first to whistle.

The rules: no water during the match and the whistle (as judged by spectators) must be crisp and clear.

At the call of “Go!”, the briny bout begins.

Hands greedily grab cracker after cracker, shoving them into already crammed mouths. 

Crumb fragments fly across countertops and cupboards, striking innocent bystanders who instantly retreat to all corners of the red brick, kitchen floor. 

Teeth are gnashing.

Siblings laughing.

Opponents are trying not to choke, or chuckle.

The cardinal rule of the cracker eating contest: He who laughs least has the last laugh. 

Sadly, this is my Achille’s heel. Watching my brother spew saltines always brings me to trouble-breathing-can’t-swallow-verge-of-choking-hysterics, rendering me hopeless.

Expelling a final barrage of crumbs, Jim spits forth the first whistle, followed closely by a victory lap around the kitchen, passing the defeated and the disgusted. 

Arms raised victoriously, he waves to the imaginary crowds and makes cheering noises. 

A pain in the ass in victory, and a danger in defeat.

There have been times when I spewed forth the earliest whistle, winning the coveted prize of immunity from all post-competition clean-up, but, for me, the fun has always been in the unfettered indulgence of doing something utterly pointless.

Within Close Range: Stanley

Having had enough of Florida’s winter fun and sun for the day, I’m sitting in front of the television in Nonnie and Papa’s 18th story living room, when the doorbell rings. Papa’s back at his store in Chicago and Nonnie’s in the kitchen making lunch, so I shuffle across the plush wall to wall, to the large double-doors.

And there, on the other side, stands a tall, slender figure with short, blonde hair and frosted highlights; impeccably dressed in a pastel pink shirt, a flowered, silk kerchief, and crisp, white linen pants.

The stranger asks if Lenore is in.

I turn toward the kitchen and holler, “Nonnie, there’s some lady here to see you!”, before scrambling back to the television.

It’s the first time I’ve met Stanley, Nonnie’s friend (and hairdresser), who also happens to live in the same building with his boyfriend, Roger. 

I would have felt embarrassed after learning of my gender mistake, but according to Nonnie, he was never more complimented.

Not only is Stanley Nonnie’s most colorful and lively Florida companion – by far – but he can make her giggle more than anyone (besides my great aunts) I’ve ever seen. 

Even more intriguing is that Nonnie astonishingly and unreservedly gives Stanley center stage. (It’s hard not to.) 

In return for stepping back from the preferred spotlight, Stanley showers Nonnie with adulation for her fashion sense, culinary skills, and interior design flare. 

It’s a match made in heaven. (Even though Nonnie has to whisper a lot when it comes to talking about her new friend.)

At Stanley’s invitation, we visit their little slice of beach-side paradise two floors up. 

It has the same exact layout as Nonnie and Papa’s, but in reverse. 

But that isn’t what disorients me.

It’s the feeling that I’ve just entered another dimension where Nonnie’s alter ego is given free rein. Where, with unimpaired power, her better dressed Doppelgänger has adorned every nook and cranny, every floor and piece of furniture, with textile and tactile expanses of purple.

With chintz and animal prints.

Golden cupids and satin pillows.

Velvet love-seats and silk bed sheets.

And endless yards of draped chiffon.

Where opulent silk flower arrangements sit on every gilded credenza and a colorful porcelain dog, cat, or bird resides around every corner.

As Stanley sweeps from room to room with measured grace and exaggerated ease, Roger – a dark, quiet man (who left a wife and kids, and a lie behind) – stands in the background, smiling contentedly. Proud of his plush and private paradise, where he and Stanley are completely free.

Even though, to me, Stanley seems as free as he can be; floating ahead of us into the newly wall-papered kitchen.

Stepping in behind Nonnie, I first think the effect of the sun streaking through the large bay window overlooking the Atlantic is playing tricks on my eyes, until I realize the walls are choked with make-believe flowers of reds and yellows, oranges, pinks and whites, splattered against a dark purple backdrop – as if the Spring, or perhaps the Easter Bunny, had exploded. 

It’s absolutely glorious.

As is Stanley.

Within Close Range: Sixteen Steps in Three Parts

Part One:

At the end of the front hall is a door leading to steps – sixteen in all – winding one-eighty degrees to the upstairs hall; a four-paneled portal to the children’s domain, keeping first floor parents separate.

And sane.

It’s also vital for a game we play, set into motion by two things:  a large box arriving, and Mom and Dad leaving. 

As soon as headlights disappear down the driveway, we begin grabbing every cushion and pillow from every sofa, chair and bedroom; and meeting at the top of the winding staircase, toss one after another over the railing until we’ve created a tottering stack of softness, penned in by the aforementioned door. 

Flanked by wild smiles at the top of the stairs, Mark, in a Magic Marker race car (we secretly souped up earlier), is pushed down the steep, carpet-less track. But the dreaded hairpin turn half-way down, quickly ends the Cardboard Box Jockey’s run, just inches from where the ocean of cushions begins. 

When the race car gets totaled and tossed aside, there’s still the pile of pillows.

We all agree, 

Mark’ll jump first. 

To make sure it’s safe. 

And when he climbs from the pile unscathed, we each take turns taking the plunge.

Failing to recognize Jim’s bored, half-crazed eyes, things take a turn and Mark suddenly finds himself dangling over the railing, as a Swanson’s T.V. Dinner threatens to reappear through fearless, but foolish, upside-down taunts. 

Inverted arms defiantly crossed.

Jim slightly loosens his grip around the youngest’s ankles, and smiles like the devil. 

But we know he’ll never let go… not intentionally. 

Not specifically intentionally. 

Part Two:

Changing Malibu Barbie’s outfit for her big date with Ken, I hear Jim making his way along the hallway, moving toward the curving, front staircase next to my bedroom. 

As he passes the door and starts down the stairs, I’m suddenly, impulsively, spurred to action. 

(My future line of defense: Lack of Premeditation.)

Quietly reaching around the corner to the light switch at the top of the staircase, I – 

Click. 

Thump-bump-bump-HUMPF-thump-bam-thud. 

Down Jim goes like an angry sack of potatoes.

“GOD DAMN IT! Who turned off the lights?!” 

Tittering nervously, I creep away in the dark, feeling both revenged after years of big brother torment, and remorseful for my utter lack of foresight. 

My ad-libbed evil-doing results in a broken, big toe. 

And Jim’s thirst for my blood. 

Damn my telltale tittering. 

History soon has the gall to repeat itself when a few days later, there in my room – with no thoughts of wrongdoing, whatsoever – I hear familiar footsteps (now favoring one foot) heading down those cursed stairs. 

Then something wicked this way come.

I tip-toe to the door.

Again.

And quietly reach for the switch.

Click.


Thump…thump-thump-thump-bump-BAM-thud! 

“ANNE! I’m going to kill you!” 

With no parents home for refuge, I run for my life. 

Ducking and covering. 

Trying to avoid any siblings who might give me away – which means ALL of them. 

Finally hiding in the dark of the sauna, desperate for the familiar footsteps of a returning adult, I can hear Jim hobble and rage, screaming my name and vowing retaliation.

“I’ll plead temporary insanity.” 

But un-consoling are the cedar walls surrounding me.

Guessing the worst is over (or a parent has returned) when the house goes quiet, I open the door to the outside world.

“Even if he’s still mad,” I reason aloud and unconvincingly, “he’ll never catch me with a broken toe.” 

“Two broken toes!” growls a voice from behind the door.

Part Three:

With my bedroom right next door, 

I know the comings and goings of all stairwell travelers.

I hear when Chris is breaking curfew 

and Jim is looking for trouble; 

when Mia is sleepwalking, 

and Mark is shuffling downstairs for comfort.

From the bottom step, Mom’s “Sweet dreams” 

gently rise into our bedrooms and into our dreams; 

while Dad’s call for Inspection 

bursts up the stairwell and down the hall, 

like an air raid siren, 

sending bodies scattering in all directions.

I listen for Mom and Dad’s footsteps below. 

For Dad to toss his keys into the pewter bowl. 

I listen for the sound of the staircase door opening. 

Pleased to hear Mom’s high-heeled footsteps 

slowly ascending the winding staircase, 

to give good night kisses all the way down the hall.

Within Close Range: Runaway Days

My appointment card for our dentist, Dr. Van Hoozen showed up, which means getting to visit a really sweet man – who not only cares for people’s teeth, but the entire village of Hebron, Illinois, acting (at some point or another) as their president, fire chief and police chief. 

However, it’s what takes place after the appointment that I’m most excited about: spending the day – alone – with Mom, wandering in and out of the small, rural towns at the northernmost tip of Illinois. 

Mom always sees doctors’ appointments as day-long affairs away from household chores, homework givers, and other family members.

And I go along gleefully.

Quietly. 

Watching her. 

As she takes any turn she wants, without a care as to where it will lead.

And there, between fields of crops, we discover chocolate shops, donuts stands, and greasy spoons, where lingering over plastic-coated menus, we truants smile at each other; then wander the narrow streets of farming towns, past century-old storefronts. Pausing, here and there, at the buildings needing care. 

Checking to see that I’m trailing, Mom swiftly strides from one shop to the next, until disappearing through a large door of wood and glass.  

And I give chase.

Soon blissfully lost amid rooms piled high with dusty shelves and dilapidated boxes, stacks of tables and towers of chairs – and books, filled with history and mystery and beauty.

Overwhelming my curiosity.

Here, she buys me an antique, tear-shaped compact of brass and rusty brown leather. Still inside, is its powder and flattened pink puff; under which I discover a tiny, brass hatch and remnants of bright, pink rouge.

Every now and then, as we meander home, I open my tear-shaped treasure to look at my reflection through its stained and smudged, tear-shaped mirror and wonder how many more reflections it has seen…

And what those faces might have been?

None happier than mine. 

Spending the day running away with Mom.

Within Close Range: Rocky

You came to Dad as a hired thug, 

but found a mentor and friend instead. 

And a family who adopted you like so many strays – 

the scarred, the scared, the castaways.

Giving you shelter and a place at our table, 

away from the streets, the violence and struggle.

Into our home and into our hearts,

like each of those strays, you’re family now. 

Showing duty and reverence to Mom and Dad, 

you become a different creature with just us kids; 

when you shadow box and dance in imaginary rings, 

reciting poems of strength, your knock-outs, your wins.

Filling our minds with fact and fiction,

which is which hardly matters when told with conviction.

We hang on every word from your kind, but battered face

and marvel when you flex your “guns” and chew on broken glass.

We gaze at your treasure – a championship belt –

that you like to wear when doing your work.

Yet something tells me that you’d give the belt away 

if you could simply sit quietly and draw all day.

Freeing your imagination and childlike mind;

coloring the brutal truth that’s been your life 

and all that you’ve done for the sake of the dollar, 

food for your dog and bread for the table. 

With a smile ear to ear and a clue in your eyes, 

I sense your words are mostly lies

to camouflage the things you’ve seen, 

the things you’ve done. 

Thrust into this world misaligned and alone.

Third grade over and you were gone. 

Fighting to survive, then fighting on demand. 

Forced to ignore your gentle heart and artist’s hands.

In your white t-shirt and rolled-up jeans 

above ankle-high army boots and a head shaved clean. 

you lean on a rake, on a break from your chores,

spinning glorious tales to our curious, young horde.

Within Close Range: Racing the Dark

Mia has a complex relationship with the Night. 

She’s a creature of it – active and creative – and stays awake well into it (later than most in the house), yet also seems determined to shun it with the use of every light available. 

And when Night finally acquiesces to Sleep, it does so half-heartedly with Mia, often leaving her restless and wandering between this world and slumber’s. 

Rare is the night she goes to bed before me, so lying quietly in our shared bedroom, I’ve listened and become well acquainted with her almost nightly routine. 

With the rest of the house long dark and quiet, it begins.

CLICK.

On go the back staircase lights, and then, footsteps – Mia’s – coming up the old, wooden staircase. Her movement, quick and skittish. 

Around the corner she scurries, to the main hall and – 

CLICK. 

Her target, two doors down, is illuminated. 

Muffled by a thick, carpet runner, I know Mia reaches our door only when she flicks the switch, re-illuminating our brightly patterned wallpaper of orange, green and yellow flowers. 

After making as much noise as possible (slamming drawers and sliding closet doors, testing her alarm clock, etc.) does she slip beneath her covers, leaving every light on her path from family room to bedroom, burning bright. 

Just as dependable as this, is the dialogue which follows.

“Mia, turn off the lights.” 

“You turn them off.”

“You were the last one in bed! AND YOU were the one who turned them on in the first place!”

“So?”

“So? So, it’s only fair that you turn them off.”

“No.”

“Dang it, Mia, you know I can’t sleep with the lights on!”

Well-stashed below her covers, “Too bad,” comes her muffled reply. “I can sleep just fine with them on.” 

I always claim I’ll do the same, but in less than a minute, with the lights searing wholes through my eyelids, I climb from bed and shuffle just outside our door.

CLICK. CLICK. 

Off the hall and staircase lights go. 

CLICK. 

Off our bedroom lights go. 

“Brat,” I call through the dark, as I feel my way back to my bed at the other end of the room.

It’s gone on like this for years.

But now Chris is off to college and Mia’s been given her own room, and I can’t wait. Not only because I’m anxious to have my independence, but even more, I’m anxious to see how Mia will handle hers. 

However, she keeps delaying the move, bringing her things into her new bedroom next door one article at a time – over days, which is now turning into weeks. I offer to help. She gets offended and disappears. 

Mom finally has to intervene. 

Begrudgingly, Mia throws the last of her belongings into the heap already in the center of her new bedroom and, tonight, faces sleeping on her own for the first time in her life. 

I lay in my darkened room and wait for the familiar sounds of Mia making her way upstairs, speculating over and over again how she’ll handle the lights with no one in the next bed to do it for her. Will she leave them on all night? 

Doubtful. 

Dad has a sixth sense about these things and will be demanding “Lights out!” before long. 

Will she have the gall to call through the walls for me to do it? 

She wouldn’t dare….or would she?… 

CLICK. 

On go the back staircase lights. 

Creak, go the steps. 

CLICK. 

On go the hallway lights. 

CLICK. 

On go Mia’s bedroom lights. 

I listen carefully. Tracking her footsteps. Picturing her every move. Anticipating her thoughts. 

CLICK. CLICK. 

Off goes the stair and hall lights from below, as Mom calls “Sweet dreams.” and Dad warns “Don’t let the bedbugs bite.” 

Minutes later, there’s only one light left on in the entire house. 

“Come on, Mia,” I whisper into my pillow. “What’s it gonna be?”

Then it happens. 

CLICK. 

Off goes the light. 

Pitter-patter, pitter-patter—grumpf-creakity-creak-creak-cree. 

And that’s the way it will be from this day forward. 

Night after night. 

It’s a sound that never fails to bring a smile to my face. 

CLICK. 

Pitter-patter, pitter-patter—grumpf-creakity-creak-creak-cree.

Mia running from light switch to bed. 

Fleeing the unknowns of the night. 

Racing the dark. 

Within Close Range: Strange Bedfellows

I once woke to find Mia tucked snugly beside me in my twin bed, with most of the covers and most of the space. When I tapped her on the shoulder to point this out, she rolled over (our noses nearly touching), blinked, and groaned, “Anne, what are you doing here?”

“You’re in MY room.”

Looking around briefly, she rolled over again (taking the remainder of the covers with her) and, giving me a swift backward kick, sent me to the floor; where I lay, bewildered, but slightly in awe of her sleep-walking pluck.

We never really know when or what to expect from Mia’s nocturnal wanderings.

And so, returning home late one night, noticing that the light still on in the den…

“Crap,” I mumble into the open fridge, that must mean Dad’s waiting up.

I begin to formulate one-word responses to his inevitable interrogation. With munchies in hand and alibis at the tip of my tongue, I open the door to the den, only to find Mia on the pumpkin orange sofa, sitting up and staring at the paneled wall ahead.

“Hey.”

No reply.

“Meem, it’s late. Coming up to bed?”

Nothing. Not even a blink. So, I shrug and turn for the stairs. 

“Where’s my friend?” I hear from behind.

Turning back around, I ask, ”What friend?”

“My FRIEND!” she replies sharply.

“What friend, Mia? I don’t who you’re talking about.”

“My FRIEND!” she repeats for the third time.

“Look, maybe if I knew what friend you’re talking ab-“

“Shut up, Anne.”

“All-righty, then,” I say as I head toward the stairs and bed.

Passing the boy’s room, I notice that the television is blaring and Mark is still lying on the sofa, face down, with a cat on his shirtless back and a dog at his feet. I turn the T.V. off and gently tap him on the shoulder. 

“Kid, you should head to bed,” I whisper, and then start for my own. 

Mark raises his head suddenly and calls out, “Anne-Anne-Anne… Would-you, would-you, would-you…open-the-open-the-open-the-open-the-“

Then nothing. He simply collapses back onto his belly and into his dreams.

“Open the WHAT?” I scream from the inside, fearing that if I turn around I’ll likely see Rod Serling, cigarette in hand, furrowing his thick, dark eyebrows as he begins to explain the strange tale of the my sudden plunge into madness.

“I’m way too stoned,” I mumble as I head to the comfort of my room. 

Before I get there, however, I notice the lights on in Mia’s bedroom and feel compelled to investigate. 

Damn you, Rod Serling. 

I find Mia sitting on her bed, doused in light, with a drawing pad in her lap and a peculiar look on her face. 

But what I find even more disconcerting is how quickly and stealthily she made her way from the den to her bedroom – up the creaky stairs and down the equally creaky hallway, just feet from where I was in the boys’ room – without my noticing. 

I glance up to the mirror above Mia’s desk, where I find instant comfort in seeing both our reflections, and enough cool to ask Mia about her missing friend. 

She looks up, but says nothing. 

“Your friend,” I’m tortured to press. “The one you were looking for earlier?”

She scrunches her face and tilts her head, slightly. 

“Where’s my pink purse?” are the next words out of Mia’s mouth. 

I don’t know how to respond. We just glare at one another.

“What?!”

“My pink purse!” she repeats unhappily.

“Okay… now you’re looking for a friend whose name you don’t know AND a purse that’s pink…  Am I getting this right?”

“Shut up, Anne.” is all she has to say. 

And all I can take for one night.

The following morning, both Mia and Mark deny any knowledge of the previous night’s events. 

But we know the truth, don’t we, Rod?

Within Close Range: Midnight Swim

The house is quiet.

All are sleeping.

I strip down to nothing

and dive into the dark of the deep-end, 

where unabashed, unheard and unseen, 

I howl.

For as long as my breath will hold.

Unleashing my teenage discontent 

and crippling self-doubt.

I howl out the sadness.

I howl out the funk.

I howl until it hurts.

Then I float.

Facing the night sky 

and the barely discernible stars 

with my rather dysfunctional eyes.

There’s peace in the blur 

and the sound of my breath 

and the occasional call 

of a neighboring owl 

hidden somewhere in the silhouettes 

of the tall trees surrounding me.

Shivering, I climb from the water 

and into my bed.

The smell of chlorine 

wafting me into watery dreams.