existential

Some days I wake

with a crushing doubt

with a throat

full of tears

with my mouth

in a pout

with the weight

of my age

with the loss

of life’s meaning

with my thoughts

full of fears

that I’ve simply

been being

with questions

of purpose

and answers elusive

soon lost in my shadows

downcast and reclusive

an ego so fragile

so blind to the truth

that finding life’s meaning

is a fruitless pursuit

it’s living each day

the best that I can

it’s patience

compassion

and lending a hand

it’s not in what greatness

I hoped to achieve

it’s not in some mark

I was hoping to leave

it’s simply in loving

in trying to be good

in leaving things better

in knowing I should

It’s lifting myself

from the dregs and the doldrums

and reminding myself

of all I’m beholden

It’s finding the strength

when choked by self-doubt

to rise to the challenge

of casting gloom out

to remember I’m loved

to remember I am

to attend good and sad days

and meaning be damned

troubled thoughts

apologies

to all of those

i’ve failed

within my life

the numbers

keep on growing

and the future’s

not so bright

i tell myself

i’m learning

and i’m changing

for the better

but the past

keeps catching up

and the now

feels

somehow

heavier

i know

that on the whole

i have a kind

and loving soul

but its bested

by my weaknesses

too yielding

to let go

ever waiting

for forgiveness

that i’ll never

truly

know

cause the mercy

isn’t coming

from the lives

that i’ve

let down

the mercy waits

within the walls

of my own

prison cell

the peace

i seek

stays buried deep

and

troubled thoughts

remain

as i relive

where i have failed

time

and time

again

the dark

it swells 

and surges

shrouding all

in sudden gloom

potent

impatient

unforgiving

unyielding

stealing the air

the breath

self-love

the truth

intractable tears

intractable fears

too sad to fight

so far from light

grabs hold

holds tight

dark days

they come

black thoughts

they go

oft powerless

to move them so

await the light

that’s sure to come

accept the murk

be present

be calm

the dark 

is part

of who

I am

Guilt

so powerful

so sorrowful

such nonsense

yet invincable

errors made

dues thought paid

likes to haunt

my nights and days

two daughters

lives still very new

for me to say

it’s all on you

brings guilt

each day

from miles away

i feel the pull

should we have stayed

though unfulfilled

with life that way

do they feel i ran away?

a mother now lies

in the grave

cause in my care

i finally caved

turned broken back

on promises made

life with sister

not a fit

six months passed

and that was it

eternal guilt

refusing to fade

choices chosen

choices made

friendships gone

that lasted years

cut the lines

shed the tears

some returned

some stayed lost

some great change

comes at great cost

have i lived a selfish life

could i be a better wife

better mother

better friend

better giver

all around

guilt weighs heavy

on my heart

i wish that it

and i

could part

but guilt’s

not going anywhere

it’s like a heavy cloak

i wear

wish that i

could cast it off

forget my failures

ignore the loss

free myself

from its great weight

seek more love

release self-hate

fuck off!, guilt

i’d like to scream

rip off that cloak

tear at its seams

i’ve done the best

i could have done

imperfect world

imperfect one

maybe the years

will lessen the load

free me from guilt

fuck off, as it’s told

but for now

i’ll carry it forth

try to do better

remember self-worth

and seek a life focused

away from such hurt