the puddle

Today 

an impassable puddle 

veered us from our path

of happy, habitual loops

of frequent dog-walking tracks

taking us 

toward unused streets

of unseen sights 

and unknown treats

leading us down 

one age-old trail

a forgotten world 

awaiting

a history fading

where tilting quarry towers

whisper colossal tales

like sleeping, sculpted giants

who once built towns of stone

now long silenced 

and overgrown

such novel sights 

inspire us

to seek the zag

instead of zig

go right 

instead of left

shrug off 

the darkening clouds

and slow 

our wandering steps

combing piled and crumbling walls

a horse and cart apart

round age-less, red-soiled fields

ever curious

ever hopeful

– for what treasures 

might they yield?

with every pocket loaded

with fragments of some past

we turn toward home

toward well-walked trails

inclined 

to let them pass

choosing once more 

less rambled streets

with spirits 

like our pockets 

filled

until we’re home at last

sevilla

in the soft rain

we leave the puddled,

quiet neighborhood

with quiet smiles

crossing the cobbled streets

where we tired our feet

lifted our spirits

searched for adventures

and something delightful to eat

finding unpretentious magic

and the rise and fall

of long echoed music

along the narrow streets

and shaded plazas

where hardworking waiters

dart back and forth

between a constant, quiet flow

of ever-changing faces

and quietly buzzing kitchens

one door down

or across the street

passing busy thoroughfares

where birds

still out-sing the traffic

and traffic

respects the process

of well placed paths

and being polite

everything moving

as a flamenco dancer

powerful

purposeful

graceful

otherworldly

yet never far from

shadowed sanctums

with colorful tiles

along grand palace walls

cool against my back

or in the generous parasol

of a giant tree

where there is rest

peace

untroubled by the noise of the world

and the noises in me

these now familiar sites

fading to vague silhouettes

fill my mind

with happy thoughts

as we quietly

disappear

troubled thoughts

apologies

to all of those

i’ve failed

within my life

the numbers

keep on growing

and the future’s

not so bright

i tell myself

i’m learning

and i’m changing

for the better

but the past

keeps catching up

and the now

feels

somehow

heavier

i know

that on the whole

i have a kind

and loving soul

but its bested

by my weaknesses

too yielding

to let go

ever waiting

for forgiveness

that i’ll never

truly

know

cause the mercy

isn’t coming

from the lives

that i’ve

let down

the mercy waits

within the walls

of my own

prison cell

the peace

i seek

stays buried deep

and

troubled thoughts

remain

as i relive

where i have failed

time

and time

again

sleepless

as darkness creeps

toward new light

i overthink it all

what’s done

and to be done

what lies ahead

and in my head

thoughts twist and tangle

tire me

and taunt me

as time tick ticks away

another day

and sleepless night

envious of my husband

fast asleep

in this crowded bed

dogs at our feet

but restless thoughts

won’t leave my head

so instead

i toss and turn

and fill my mind

with all but dreams

with hope

and regrets

with worries

and queries

and Italian drills

punctuated by clattering

down in the street

and still troubled lungs

that heave and squeak

so absurd

thoughts retreat!

for all i want to do

is sleep

my reflection

my reflection is a liar

it conspires

with my years

it tortures like an enemy

for what i see

brings tears

the sagging skin

the lips so thin

the lines around my eyes

the greying hair

the glow not there

does not reflect inside

for if it did you’d see me there

more beautiful than ever

more confident

much more content

and really rather clever

but the mirror likes to taunt me

likes to haunt me

with this figure

growing wider

cannot hide her

menopause the ugly trigger

yet I wouldn’t trade a single thing

and wish the clock reversed

i do not long for days of youth

for that would be perverse

each year has made me stronger

made me bolder

made me me

I would not give a wrinkle back

unsettling as it seems

my reflection is an honest friend

whose truth is often heavy

yet this weight i can bear

for the me right here

when not my own worst enemy

dark spring

a beautiful thing

this glory of spring

til dark descended

untold truths

foolhardy youth

false love defended

fragile pride

fear as its guide

lies unattended

seizing spring

song silencing

kind heart upended

feeds on the weak

manhandles meek

such bitter fruit tended

but truth is sought

hate does as taught

on this dependent

hope must in stead

look seasons ahead

to well-lit paths contended

the bells

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

another day the bells announce

that someone else has gone

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

three seconds pass between each chime

of this voiceless, gloomy song

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

reminding me so frequently

that life’s not very long

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

must make the most of what i’ve got

before the got has gone

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

persists inside my mind

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

when will the tolls be mine?

except no bells will ring for me

no priest will speak my name

no body will be carried forth

to rot in some marked grave

just as the notes that disappear

when all the bells have calmed

thoughts of me will likely be

forgotten before long

ding… ding… ding…

bong… bong… bong…

she prays

she prays a lot

feels all she’s got

to change her lot

sadly

and radio gospel

being screamed

it just sounds mean

frankly

praying for miracles

one-stop cures

for living the same life

daily

desperate to change me

insists i start praying

only jesus is going to

save me

intentions heartfelt

but her home is awash

with habitual mayhem

disharmony

‘cause nothing but prayer

desperate grasping at air

will get you nowhere

most assuredly 

and why must i pray

when i strive everyday

to live this brief life

mindfully 

while she prays a lot

certain it’s all she’s got

ignoring the truth of it

blindly

but i take it in stride

got nothing to hide

and nothing to prove

really

I’ll lend a kind ear

bear laughter through tears

be a friend being me

quite naturally

the curmudgeon

he’s a difficult man

well known through the town

an unfriendly coot

with a permanent frown

daily seen in a terrible mood

short-tempered

offending

unflinchingly rude

living just feet

from the door to his life

witness to the grumbling

he makes of his life

i can also attest

to the flash of his smile

to his generous nature

(when not being vile)

It takes very little

to stir up a fuss

to feel the sharp sting

of this old sourpuss

yet being good neighbors

to his sort in the past

we found simple kindness

sweetens sour moods fast

it doesn’t take much

to shed light on the dark

to simply accept

that there’s bite and there’s bark

that below the rough surface

all calloused and dry

beats a sensitive heart

lives a pretty nice guy

so i try to turn cheek

to his commonplace gripes

to the misplaced resentment

he’s let run his life

a constant reminder

how to live and let live

to accept what we can

and to give what we give

The Baroness

I caught a glimpse

through the old green shutters 

of the big stone villa 

just off the piazza

heading to the dusky streets

to join the others

in search of reprieve

from the unyielding sun

from the infernal heat,

with dogs at our feet,

anxious to move.

Maria sat alone

on a comfortless chair

pushed against a tall wall

in one of two rooms 

of the many-roomed villa

where she now resides;

motionless

like loneliness 

perched on a chair

in a small stuffy room

of the once grand manor

all but abandoned

save for Maria.

aware of each other

through the old green shutters

of the big stone villa

just off the piazza

i turned from the scene

an unwitting intruder

as Maria stepped forward

and closed the slats

of the old green shutters

shutting out the street

her neighbors

my notice

the night

relief.

The Baroness

(i heard her called)

in quiet 

cloistered

retreat.

the dark

it swells 

and surges

shrouding all

in sudden gloom

potent

impatient

unforgiving

unyielding

stealing the air

the breath

self-love

the truth

intractable tears

intractable fears

too sad to fight

so far from light

grabs hold

holds tight

dark days

they come

black thoughts

they go

oft powerless

to move them so

await the light

that’s sure to come

accept the murk

be present

be calm

the dark 

is part

of who

I am

from up here

i like to listen

from a comfortable spot

one floor up

above the rituals

convivials

the sounds still strange

against the quiet of the woods

where we long lived

wildlife sounds

now daily drowned

by the buzz and the grind

and the being of humans being

the doing and noisemaking

the taking and giving

the incessant chapters

of our daily living

some days, I like to stay where I am

onlooker

simply listening in

while others, when the heart knows best

to be in some part

part of the rest

of life down there on aged streets

beaten and still beating

yet I prefer the quiet above

where I listen to the rhythm

which begins before dawn

sputtering its first beats

persistant

perpetual

life is so predictable

in this everday town

moving with the light

to find a spot that suits me right

for thinking

for creating

the days of just enduring

connecting times and lives

like single notes

of a singular song

which floats up and in

to the quiet within

to where I sit and wonder

how these daily strains

sound against the tune I sing

the notes I bring

if anything

from living

root

roots winding

between the potholes 

and the patches 

over many imperfections 

and alien frustrations

simple wants for most

then simply getting on

tradition haunts 

this tranquil place

of life out of doors

of milder days

of voices singing

like no one’s listening

like the whole world’s listening

familiar faces 

dot shadowed streets

branching outward

yet firmly planted

in stone layered places

with telltale traces

and sometimes open gates

where we long to peek

into still-life courtyards

and mostly quiet lives

shaped by sonorous voices 

upending the peace

with a whistle

a greeting

an impious burst

generous and guileless

connecting us

helping branches daily lengthen

roots strengthen

here bedded center

mid the measures 

and the layers

still life

in the mid-day hush

unmeasured steps sound sharp

against the old stone walls

down wall-to-wall streets

empty

quieted

with the afternoon’s retreat

such solace here

in the daily lull

in the whispering breeze

in the shutters closed

and the silence within

haunting the village

while most in repose

knocks and creaks

sole company sought

midst aromas entwined

with unquiet thoughts

smoky

savory

sweet

give comfort when the mind is weak

none but a pensive cat upon a wall

will fix its eyes upon the passing

until a corner turned

intruders in this still life

begin fading

Castaway

the view from the window begins to change

from tidy, green plots bound by old stone walls

to countless streets, crammed and confined

swarming

clattering

unsettling the mind

excited and antsy to explore different spots

to stroll past the shops, savor new delights

to feel the tempo of a city, tangled with possibilities

populated

sophisticated

drifting as a castaway through its gritty complexities

the fashionable women and chic boutiques

the trendy cafes and stark, urban scenes

past the homeless on corners and downturned eyes

commotion

congestion

the traffic fumes rise

nothing but a stranger here

nameless face in faceless crowds

intriguing to get lost in, but longing to get out

ill at ease

now fatigued

the lure no longer about

all my thoughts now turn to home

to sweet-smelling air and generous smiles

a small, happy cog in a small town’s life

well-embraced

treasured place

simple pleasures, quiet life

eager to finish the business at hand

we grab a quick bite we don’t normally have

and pick up our pace as we aim for the station

for home

to roam

our small town salvation

Autumn days

autumn

stirs 

comforts 

nurtures me

frees me to find serenity

in the waning daylight

and cool, quiet nights

where the autumns of my youth 

in my autumnal mind

live comfortably 

midst blazing yellows, oranges and reds

set against sullen, gray skies

midst morning fogs

and melancholy thoughts

soon rising 

to meet the falling leaves


autunno

si agita

comodità

mi nutre

mi libera per trovare serenità

nella luce del giorno calante

e notti fresche e tranquille

dove gli autunni della mia giovinezza

nella mia mente autunnale

vivere comodamente

mezzi ardenti gialli, arancioni e rossi

sullo sfondo di cieli cupi e grigi

in mezzo alle nebbie mattutine

e pensieri malinconici

presto in aumento

per incontrare le foglie che cadono

walks with you

what would I do

without walks with you

where would I be

without you next to me

each step we take

leaves in its wake

the darkness

daily haunting

each fragrant flower

each passing hour

in silence

no words wanting

the air smells sweet

but can’t compete

with walking by your side

the roads are long

stone walls so strong

but not like you and I

when my mood’s black

aches in my back

i take your hand in mine

and head out down

some well-worn path

to find myself again

where would i be

sans you and me

putting miles upon our feet

wondering

wandering

quietly thundering

with you at my side

i’m complete

Guilt

so powerful

so sorrowful

such nonsense

yet invincable

errors made

dues thought paid

likes to haunt

my nights and days

two daughters

lives still very new

for me to say

it’s all on you

brings guilt

each day

from miles away

i feel the pull

should we have stayed

though unfulfilled

with life that way

do they feel i ran away?

a mother now lies

in the grave

cause in my care

i finally caved

turned broken back

on promises made

life with sister

not a fit

six months passed

and that was it

eternal guilt

refusing to fade

choices chosen

choices made

friendships gone

that lasted years

cut the lines

shed the tears

some returned

some stayed lost

some great change

comes at great cost

have i lived a selfish life

could i be a better wife

better mother

better friend

better giver

all around

guilt weighs heavy

on my heart

i wish that it

and i

could part

but guilt’s

not going anywhere

it’s like a heavy cloak

i wear

wish that i

could cast it off

forget my failures

ignore the loss

free myself

from its great weight

seek more love

release self-hate

fuck off!, guilt

i’d like to scream

rip off that cloak

tear at its seams

i’ve done the best

i could have done

imperfect world

imperfect one

maybe the years

will lessen the load

free me from guilt

fuck off, as it’s told

but for now

i’ll carry it forth

try to do better

remember self-worth

and seek a life focused

away from such hurt

Salento Skies

the me I see

ever shifting

like a Salento sky

in winter

promising

bright

fair

light

then winds shift

and blue

turns gray

thoughts turn cloudy

rain dismay

the me I feel

ever altered

falters

like an ancient olive tree

sick with disease

yet green

still growing

from gnarled base

willful

to keep living

keep creating

ignore

the ills

outwit self-hating

know that winds

will soon reveal sun

bid fair

clear the air

better days

new ways

to nurture the soul

mend the me

if just for a spell

knowing well

clouds will gather again

time unrelenting

bad stretches ahead

blow winds

blow

bring more good days

instead

enough to yield fruit

from the mind’s

new shoots

arising

from the twisted roots

Death in a small town

Death’s ever present

in this tiny town
placards go up,

placards come down
Death greets a someone

just coming alive
Death always sidled

at the old man’s side

church bells toll,

the old man groans
Death refuses

to leave him alone
but the old man spurns

such grave company
holding tight to the life

that used to be

each day seems fraught

with little but woe
though Death tries to coax, he refuses to go
rejecting the notion of beginnings and ends
exhausting the family,

ne’er making amends

Death asks the old man, what’s there to fear
but the old man screams, away from here!
my body’s broken,

my mind’s disarranged
yet from this life

I seek no change

but Death is as patient

as the old man is stubborn
kept busy that day

holding hands with a newborn
Death’s ever present

in this tiny town
another procession

slowly marches along

Sitting beside the old man

in the shade
Death points bony fingers

to the slow, sad parade
everyone’s life

must come to an end
even yours,

my dear, old, obstinate friend

i’m no friend of yours,

cries the frightened, old man
swatting away

Death’s ice cold hand
with a pain-filled shriek

he lifts from his seat
i wish no more

that you and i meet

i’m afraid that can’t be, Death whispers with laughter
i have work across town, but i’ll return soon after
don’t rush, says the old man, for i’m in no hurry
and grabbing his canes, shuffles off in a scurry

I’ve always found those most reluctant to go
Death comments to no one, for no one can know,
are those who live life

for none but themselves
with thoughts now of heaven,

but destined for hell

Death’s measured footsteps move slowly away
the old man’s denial

won out for the day
but Death will be back

by the old man’s side
for the end is the end

and from Death he can’t hide

roadside pirates

the wheel of my bike

hits a hole in the old road

rattling my bag

like a sack of old bones.

the day’s ample booty

makes me feel giddy

we scavenged so much

the bikes now feel heavy

but the clouds keep the sun

from its onerous heat

and the wind gives enough

to move on down the street

to search old stone walls

and piles of debris

for the past and the pieces

of the people by the sea

fragments of lives

lay atop and within

the walls made of stone

made of sweat, made by kin

bits of old plates

shards from a bowl

a pitcher’s large handle

what tales might they tell

what struggles, what triumphs

lives lost and loves gained

when these bits were once whole

was there joy, was there pain

some fragments so dear

you can see the repairs

did it break someone’s heart

when it ended up here

were they glad to be rid

of the once stylish tile

making way for the new

adding more to the pile

the strange looks we get

from the people who pass

as we dig through the garbage,

the rocks, and the glass

all most of them see

are scraps and old stones

what Kurt and I see

is the art in its bones

each fragment a part

of a tale to unfold

each remnant, each color

some new and some old

new life will soon rise

from these pirated parts

new days to be loved

old love to make art

into the blue

i sink into the sea

into the clear

into the blue

into the me

feel the rocks

below my feet

float in salt

dive down

dig deep

watch the life

the world beneath

swim and scatter

close to me

patches of cold

a watery breeze

surrounding

rebounding

brings comfort

release

stroke by stroke

mind at peace

pains disappear

in the waves

in the sea

drift on my back

let the surf

be the guide

feel salt on my skin

on my lips

in my eyes

still as death

yet so alive

speck in the sea

a blip

in the tide

no matter

what i’ve done

no matter

what i aught

just floating

just swimming

just being

and naught

i sink into the sea

into the clear

into the blue

into the me

Nearness

At our last home, on the side of a hill

the banter of neighbors was sometimes heard

yet dialogues were ever obscured

in mostly muffled, faraway words

Life’s so incredibly different here

in our small Salento town

where mostly open, shuttered doors

carry inside noises out

i’m an accidental eavesdropper

an undercover side-taker

unwittingly impacted

by next-door behaviour

hearing radios and tvs

and whistling when they’re pleased

hearing sobbing, hearing coughing

fret when angry, smile when laughing

happy medleys and cadenced words

a thundering thought, a mournful dirge

conveyed down narrow, cobbled streets

where public and private publicly meet

unwittingly entangled

emotionally ensnared

caught in the middle by an empathetic ear

learning to decipher our new life here

all the strong Italian voices

like a never ending opus

is how each day now greets us

amuses and entreats us

i hear the cafes open up

and people gather round

cafe bottles being rattled

day’s end shutters coming down

i hear dishes being done

and laundry being hung

i hear babies weep for mother

doggies barking at each other

there’s Magda, the parrot, in the center of town

the outdoor mass droning on and on

high heels click-clacking along the street

the town’s eery silence in the mid-day heat

i listen to people returning at night

parents and teens in ubiquitous fights

church bells and car horns, vendors in trucks

scooters and Api and loud motor bikes

i listen to people outside on their phones

as signals are zero inside their old homes

local curmudgeons talk sweet to the strays

old men with walkers bemoan better days

frequent fireworks, far too loud

are also now familiar sounds

though i prefer the young rapper below

filling the air with hip-hop flow

At first, the sounds unsettled me

hearing others’ lives weighed heavily

being covetous of my privacy

the introvert tried to take hold of me

yet I adapt as the weeks depart

the town’s special rhythm now beats in my heart

I’m comforted by a familiar voice

cheered by streets full of music and noise

i like to hear the telephones ring

i love to hear my neighbors’ sing

even the Tom cats’ pre-dawn brawls

seem to offer solace now

the more I listen every day

the strangeness of nearness gets further away

the closer i am and feel i belong

to Castrignano’s close-knit song

Age

age is a number

fearing age, an illusion

youth-seekers, obtrusive

mirrors, delusions

thinking beauty is lost

each year that we live

fleeting youth so hard fought

when there’s much more to give

self-esteem early taught

in a physical realm

with my mother, a beauty,

ever taking the helm

of the ship that would form

my view of self worth

which valued itself

in my physical girth

at nearly aged 60

the shadow is long

i see in all photos

this weakness still strong

seeing wrinkles and sagging

a stranger’s odd face

which tells me my mind

doesn’t fit in this place

on-line life ever preaching

to be what we’re not

fruits far too low reaching

trashing all that we’ve got

but here’s the thing

here’s what i see

each scar, each furrow

is the fabulous me

each blemish i show

are unvalued gems

knowing all that i know

that i didn’t know then

the picture you see

may not be what you like

but the picture you see

is a portrait of life

something i’m proud of

something finely eclectic

because youth might be pretty

but with years i’ve perfected

void of all bullshit

that’s devoid of true light

my skin might be looser

but my mind is all might

i’m fiery and peaceful

mindful and bright

i can see through the fools

always keep love in sight

i know who i am

i’m who i should be

i’m formidable

and significant

and content to be me

Kind

some humans

really break my heart

when the openhand i give

is never enough

i offer them shelter

from woes that they face

then they take and they take

from this generous place

instead of love and kindness

they repay with strife

always feeling cheated

in their mishandled life

always blaming givers

when the giving stops

always feel the gifts they get

are simply not enough

you’d think i’d learn my lesson

from the thankless folks I’ve met

still thirsty when the well runs dry

is all that they regret

you’d think i’d be more bitter

from the heartache that they bring

instead i curl into a ball

and cry myself to sleep

and with each dawn

new hope is born

and something heals my heart

a passing smile

a helping hand

to lift me from the dark

someone to remind me

there’s no end to being kind

it’s who I am

and who I’ll be

until the end of time.

Too Hot

oh this heat

makes me feel

like a chunk

of molten rock

cause damn, it’s hot

too hot for dogs

roads scorching paws

it’s way too hot

plants on the roof

wilt leaf to root

cause it’s so hot

pigeons from church

splash in dogs’ water dish

poor things are hot

even a breeze

offers little relief

it’s just as hot

cats hide in the shade

even kids won’t play

cause fun it’s not

the piazza’s deserted

espresso rejected

it’s far too hot

forecasts are gloomy

like sweat sticking to me

hot days won’t stop

take a ride on my bike

not in this torrid life

that gal, I’m not

a short, little stroll

beads gather, sweat falls

it’s fucking hot

serpentining down streets

seeking shade from the heat

but there it’s not

gonna stay here inside

cause there’s nowhere to hide

like it or not

cussing the sun

even after it’s down

it’s still too hot

there’s no release

when all round keeps heat

cause hot is hot

forests burning, people dying

warning signs they keep denying

it’s too damn hot

the world is on fire

like an effigy pyre

it’s hellishly

horribly

hot.

Chicken Broth and Pastina

Turning into our alley,

we pass the tiny courtyard

with the old, green, metal gate

next to our front staircase

where Esperanza hangs the day’s wash

and keeps the door to her kitchen open

to let in what breezes blow,

to let out the heat from the stove,

and to release whatever aromas rise

from preparing the midday meal.

Today

it smells of my childhood,

and all at once, I’m at Nonna’s.

The doors of the paneled elevator have opened

and I’m racing a sibling

straight down the quiet, carpeted hallway,

past dark, stained doors

with small brass peepholes

and hanging welcome wreaths

(dreary and dull

and not very welcoming),

toward the last door on the left.

I can smell it

prior to reaching it

and already know what treat lies ahead

before I hear her delighted squeal

and slippered feet

skittering from the kitchen

to answer the doorbell’s strange, loud warble.

Today

Esperanza has summoned a favorite –

chicken broth and pastina,

with heaping spoonfuls of grated Parmesan

which soon will be melting at the bottom of the bowl

and sticking to my spoon,

and making me happy beyond measure.

Especially when offered seconds

from the old, green-enameled saucepan,

worn and stained,

and ever filled with savory Italian delights

from Nonna’s tiny, talented hands.

The familiar aroma –

the familial aroma

makes the scorched day feel light

feel right

and makes Italy feel more like home.

she sat

she sat

all dressed in black

from her shoulders

to her shoes

only colors were her flowers

and the cat

she sat

each summer night

all alone

but smile in sight

house was tidy

tidy’s right

and that is that

with her chair

placed just outside

and another by her side

she sat

and hoped a friend

would stop on by

though so few of them remained

she longed to chat

not be alone

so she sat there

greeting every passerby

with her wide

and toothless grin

treating everyone

like kin

she sat

and watched the world

move to and fro

with some crochet in her lap

moving hands

this way and that

she sat

for there was no place

left to go

with a husband

in the grave

and her children gone away

she sat

reflecting back

upon it all

married fifty years

holding back

the salty tears

she knew

that even then

she felt alone

she sat

and thought some more

then her neighbor

from next door

brought some flowers

from her garden

and red wine

so she sat

that summer night

with a good friend

by her side

and she sighed

a tired sigh

for life that’s gone

breathing in

the perfumed air

she was happy

in her chair

for this is where

she sat

when all was done

The Dance

Hand in hand

they twist and turn

spinning

grinning

circling round

rhythm is of no concern

simple joy

is simply earned

music

make the people twirl

music

disregard the world

music

bring both young and old

music

make the timid bold

hand to shoulder

hand to waist

practiced steps

at practiced pace

bring a smile

to every face

set toes to tap

and minds to peace

music

make the people twirl

music

disregard the world

music

make us feel as one

different notes

for everyone

in a line

they move in sync

in a line

they coexist

let this world

be like a dance

where stepping on toes

is taking a chance

music

make the people twirl

music

reconnect the world

music

make each heart a verse

music

better even worst

let the ryhthm of life

be set to a song

which everyone knows

and dances along

which everyone sings

hitting good notes and bad

and when the tune ends

looking back

being glad

dance

when you don’t know the song

dance

when you don’t get along

dance

when you are down right tired

dance

when stuck fast in the mire

dance

and hold the nearest hand

dance

til legs no longer stand

and dance

dance

dance.

Daughters

My daughters

are my light

they are my day

my daughters

of two lights

that light my way

so very different

in every way

yet much the same

as night turns day

so much my truth

so much that’s right

one pained

but full of light

one old of soul

who seeks what might

one feels

what all should feel

one finds

what finds unreal

so proud

for each diverse

so strong

so much it hurts

I wonder

every day

what life

will bring their way

so proud

of what we made

so proud

of what they say

so deep

is what they feel

such truth

so fucking real

I thank

the skies above

for daughters

made from love

for who

they will become

for lights

they’re destined from

for all

they are right now

for all

they will bestow

my daughters

are my light

who bring me

to full sight

who make my life

seem right

who summon dawn

from my dark nights

whom I love

with all my might

for being all

and all

that’s right.

Perfumed Skies

The only time I recall the desert air coming alive

with sweet, earthy fragrances

was in the aftermath of the overdue monsoons

Truly giving and glorious

and something to be relished

with each softened step

across the terminally brutal terrain

but much to my annual dismay

far too fleeting

leaving me needing

So it comes as a welcome surprise

that my pointy nose has reawakened

to a constant wealth of otherworldly aromas

here in the heel between two seas

here in our small, Italian town

where the houses touch

and voices travel

and vegetable gardens vastly outnumber shops

where hearth fires still burn well into spring

to warm the dark, old interiors

and cook the day’s big meal

scenting the air with homey fragrances

and happy thoughts

Strolling down narrow streets

and country lanes

flanked by fertile patchworks

green, yellow and red

purple, blue and white

past tidy ranks of olive trees

holding hidden bounties

past plentiful citrus trees

burdened by their unpicked generosity

bursting yellow

passing ancient grapevines wrapped around rickety trellises

hovering over well-tended courtyards

and fields where wildflowers grow uninterrupted

filling the breezes with sweet, syrupy perfumes

we find ourselves continuously smiling

and stopping

to suck in the air

Tired by my years

but grateful to be here

where farmers leave respectful wild patches

in otherwise tilled fields

and still farm things by hand

by heart

by instinct

It’s good to watch the tomato seedlings grow

in their straight as arrows rows

Close witness to nature’s abundance

in the careful care of each small farm

Growing taller, wider, stronger

day by day

just steps from field to market to table

to our sated bellies

and our simple, quiet lives

beneath these perfumed skies.

The Battle

i daily mourn

the friendships lost

in finding myself

by pulling away

when i lacked strength

to face each day

when i felt sick

with each new dawn

where love was lost

and lines were drawn

when i felt too much

in feeling neglected

when much had been taken

but never respected

i wielded a sword

and cut through the pain

with swift mighty strikes

again and again

and with each blow

i severed ties

which bound me to

a weighty life

of trying to do

what i thought was expected

of living in fear of being rejected

of balancing egos

including my own

of building a house

where all felt at home

but when i had finished

and my battle was won

where once stood an army

i now saw was none

grateful for those

who stayed strong in the fray

whose love was a shield

which i raised everyday

but now that i’ve triumphed

within and without

the death blows have filled me

with guilt

and with doubt

that some of my victims

might just have been saved

if i hadn’t been armed

with such sadness and rage

but here i must stand

in the wake of it all

in the place i have come

in the peace and the still

wondering

whether some dead might still rise

wondering

if i could – or should –

seek a reprise

worried

that if i hold out a new hand

backwards i’ll tumble

and backwards i’ll land

or if seeking new ties

after cutting the old

the old friends i seek

will prove bitter and cold

so here i will lay

in the dark before dawn

in the still of the night

in the dark of my thoughts

all weapons now stowed

for i have no more fight

i will lie in my bed

i will look for the light

trusting that time

might just show me the way

trusting myself to have faith everyday

that the battle hard fought

had its reason and marrow

that the pain and the death

helped me reach for tomorrow

Troubled Beauty

Born in a storm in early spring
a troubled sign
for the trouble life would bring
mother and father too young to understand
life there
and beyond
their native heartland
but it would reach them
teach them
with lessons far spreading
soon shedding the ties
and tearing their lives
in half

one to the corps to build bridges and roads
one, with two girls, to the far western coast.
unaided
mind troubled
before long, problems doubled
and life on the streets was soon home
a mom and two girls
all alone
while families turned their steely eyes
on this sad little trio
struggling to survive.

scenes etched in a young mind forever
and who could really blame her.

too much time had passed
a year in an orphanage was next
then her father’s family finally came
to take the girls back home again
leaving their mom to fend for herself
all taken
foresaken
to stumble alone
ever shaken.

as each day passed her beauty grew
though young and naive
this she knew
and would brandish it
like a weapon
even when it turned on her
stirring nasty men with their nasty intentions.

her beauty without
would inspire within
a will to escape the land of her kin
so she left.
at sixteen years she packed a bag
boarded a train
refashioned her name
and set sights on the Windy City
where she could pretend to be someone else
where the pain and the who of the young girl’s past
might get lost in the crowds of the city.
little did she know
it would haunt her to and fro
for the scars were deep and gritty.

yet she molded herself
into someone else
aloof,
high-minded,
and driven.
her beauty soon led to some success
with misgivings deliberately hidden
behind high fashion clothes
fancy new cars
and a smile that was ever beguiling
while the child within
fists always clenched
was always
always
fighting.

ever frightened to lose all she gained
for loss and fear were well ingrained
she never felt true satisfaction.
yet her beauty grew more mesmerizing
and her heart was ever trying
and her mind was ever reeling
ever learning
ever seeing
the world in such a special way
making people love her
though she kept them distant
day after day
after day
after day.

in a life that was filled with choices
there were so many dark, disturbed voices
which often spoke louder than others.
trust was a stranger
she questioned all angles
and often found solace in shallow rewards
in monied, depthless people
whom she deemed her equals
but those people were simply cowards
hiding in their golden towers
holding their lives above all
eager to see others fall
and she fell.

fell for a dreamer.
fell for a schemer.
fell for the trappings –
broken promises in shiny wrappings.
for a man she could never truly trust.
for a man who put her love below lust.
and the more that was taken
the stronger her obsession
with things that looked good on the surface
but offered no healing
no purpose.

five children she saw as her greatest success
she preened them and nurtured
the way she thought best
but the nest was so fragile
built of gossamer twigs
perched on flimsy branches
rocked by changing winds.
protecting illusions with stubborn pretention
and guarding the nest with utter resentment
she hid behind conceit
doing what she deemed was right
high walls built on fiction
with ever-present friction
and behind them we thrived
at least for a time
for troubled beauty was our teacher
often hard to truly reach her
the less I understood
the more I tried.
there, though not always present
our beautiful, troubled guide
ignoring the unquiet ghosts
shunning the unresolved pain
always running from her beginnings

and clenching her fists to the end.

Grief

It cut through the cool, quiet afternoon

with such intense clarity

that both the dogs and I stopped in our tracks

to look in the direction from where it came.

A woman’s voice

loud

low

anguished

cried out from a big house

down a small street

at the edge of town.

I knew almost instantly

it was not a cry for help

because I had rattled my own walls very recently

with similar sounds

when news of my mother’s death reached me

and I was forced to face it alone

thousands of miles from what once was home.

Instinctively I wanted to move toward her sorrow

offer comfort

offer company

but I knew such new pain

needed to be tempered with solitude

tears

time to process

and purge.

I looked up and down the streets

for someone

anyone

who might have heard her wails

and shared my heartache

as helpless witness

to such profound sadness.

But no one was about

just the dogs and me

and I suddenly felt intrusive

and newly stricken by my recent loss,

so on we moved

each step ushering its own fresh tears

coming stronger and stronger

as the sounds of her fierce despair

faded into the distance.

Her pain

is now entwined with mine

two unacquainted mourners

ever connected in our losses

in our sorrows.

Each time I pass her street

and recall her suffering

I feel her presence

(though a stranger to mine)

and am trusting time

has eased her pain

her tears

the grief.

Sleep

Sleep evades me

sleep can’t save me

toss and turns me

makes me taut

choices made

outcomes shade

any happiness I’ve saught

life has a way

on too many days

of kicking me to the ground

ever impatient

tired of waiting

for all i think I’ve earned

not seeing clearly

what to hold most dearly

is the life already found

but here’s the thing

what nightime brings

is darkness full of doubts

did my impatience

invite trepidation

which attends me all night long

sleep evades me

sleep won’t save me

from this recurring haunt

that my willful, skillful selfness

forces herculean lessons

yet leaves me lonely, feeling helpless

for this false and mean obsession

needing things a certain way

will beat me up day after day

and tear my tender heart in two

keeping me further from the truth

but i keep trying

no more lying

that I’m understanding all

one year older

no more closer

to making the unfettered call

second-guessing

always messing

with the good of status quo

ever searching

ever lurching

toward the things I do not know

sleep evades me

sleep won’t save me

from the choices that I make

so I’ll write it

best not to fight it

take the give

and give the take

Tick

tick

tick

tick

time stands still and I feel sick

tick

tick

tock

will this waiting ever stop

tears

tears

tears

months of realizing fears

so much

on my

own

never felt so all alone

minutes

hours

days

in an unaccustomed place

words

ways

when

can my life begin again

high

low

lone

toughest time I’ve ever known

green

yellow

blue

trying hard to learn things new

thought this all would be a breeze

but it’s brought me to my knees

there’s a lesson to be found

but for now it’s not around

just this feeling of confinement

set adrift with no alignment

it’s just me here when I wake

dogs don’t count ‘cause they can’t speak

I know the end

is in my sight

it’s days away

so hold on tight

take a walk

release self-pity

parla italiano

explore the city

know the clock

continues to click

just be patient

tick

tick

tick

Voices

Such strange, new sounds

that play upon my ears

replacing feral voices

I’d listened to for years

the barking of Coyotes

as they finally made their kill

Horned Owls hoot-hoot-hooting

from a tree just down the hill

Gambel’s Quails whose numbers

cheeped and chittered from the scrub

a conspiracy of Ravens

as they swooped from up above

now it’s mostly voices

of my fellow human beings

such an odd array of noises

and emotions that they bring

voices raised in anger

voices raised in song

cracking voices of the aged

lilting voices of the young

mothers calling children home

neighbors spreading tattle

cafe crowds who raise a cheer

when the local team does battle

men with big loudspeakers

on the roofs of their old cars

pitching their promotions

which I find a bit bizarre

church bells which routinely chime

but never seem to tell the time

motor bikes and beeping horns

barking dogs of every form

those that whistle, those who cry

new voices heard from far and nigh

I often sit and contemplate

this sound-filled world I hear

I find in it some comfort

yet I find it in my fears

of days ahead with noises

most of the peopled kind

when my solace in the past

was saught in nature’s hushed divine

where when I walked I often heard

just footsteps and the wind

now when I walk down ancient streets

I’m forced out from within

adding to the daily noise

that fills the town with sound

greeting my new neighbors

and adapting all around

praying for my writer’s voice

amidst the village chatter

hoping that the noise without

will spur the words that matter

The Stray

He wanders about

determined

to let the whole town know

he’s there

with his loud, mournful cry

both in the dark

and in the daylight

sounding like a wind-up siren

winding down –

low

and slow –

amplified by narrow lanes

and tall, stone walls.

A sorrowful aria

of life on the streets

in this southern village

where the streets

are a cat’s life.

The white of his orange and white fur

is grey

and his face shows scars

from fighting for his place

and food the townfolk leave

in front of markets and homes

on rooftops and walls.

Earning such keep

keeping rodents at bay

among the many ruins.

Among the decay.

Belonging to none

except the pitch black feline

he’s permitted to mount

and nap near

neath parked cars in the piazza.

When I hear his cry

I sigh

and want to take him in.

But his feral ways

would not find their place

indoors

or in my arms

from which he bolts

when we meet on the roof

and in the streets.

But now and then

when our eyes meet

he lingers

and calls out

to let me know

he sees me as well.

In the Shadows

In the shadows is where you’ll find me

bind me

remind me

of who I am

in the darkness is where you’ll hear me

fear me

wear me

like a heavy cloak of black

all connected

never protected

from the errors I have made

alone and quiet

tears won’t hide it

but I’ll cry them anyway

in a life of always trying

always judging my own ways

I see the shadows lengthen

while my strength they take away

but in between the darkness

I seek light and silhouettes

of what I’ve been

and where to go

outlined by past regrets

ever changing

ever raging

ever set within my mind

always seeking

always dreaming

always trying to be kind

the shadows cast a figure

I don’t like to recognize

when the figure

dim and brooding

casts its dark upon my eyes

I try to keep them moving

toward the light found up ahead

stretching forward

looking awkward

hoping truth lies there instead

and when the light begins to fade

and shadows disappear

I hide within the black of night

I languish in the fear

of one day looking out

to watch my shadow disappear

The Forgotten Man

rusty and neglected

among the thorns

and tall, wild grass

stands the marker of a man

long since passed

a sorrowful reminder

of all life that comes and goes

of the life some might remember

and soon no one will know

no one to tend the marker

none to remember the man

no one to even notice

the monument at hand

I pass it nearly everyday

and wonder who he was

to warrant such an epitaph

to earn such a tribute of love

and then to be forgotten

at a corner where no one stops

in front of an ugly chain link fence

midst trash and weeds and rocks

decomposing a little more each day

like a body in a grave

none to recall the forgotten man

was he good

was he loving

was he brave

what would he think

of his sad, unkempt shrine

and what would I say

if this pillar was mine

such things are for the living

such things not meant to stand

such tokens of such fleeting days

won’t remember the forgotten man

Alone

I always saw myself as an independent soul

always things to do

always somewhere to go

always geared to discover

new people and new places

always eager to see the world

and all its different faces

now once again I find myself

somewhere new and strange

but this time I’m without my love

without my very best friend

and it’s hard

a challenge to be on my own

a problematic time

to have to be alone with me

and the fragility of my mind

but difficult paths are meant to be

are meant to help us grow

so somewhere I must find my strength

and seek what I must know

and know that soon I’ll have my love

back here where he belongs

back in the arms that long for him

back in this home of ours

back to being one of two

but stronger for the time

when being alone meant being with me

and loving the me that is mine

Town Life

when all is dark

and the clouds open up

and the winds begin to blow

the streets of my little town empty of life

at least the life I’ve known

but then I sit and listen

to another force take form

rising from rooftops

rising from the storm

rising from the cobblestones

and unlatched, metal gates

the town which seems devoid of life

begins to animate

the metal caps on old smokestacks

sing their clattering songs

the shutters and blinds of vacant homes

prompt spirits of their own

a battered, old cat in search of food

wails a sorrowful tune

the ebb and flow of the rain and the wind

beget a mournful mood

the gutters gush down ancient walls

the puddles turn to pools

incited by the raindrops

and lamplights burning true

shadows of towering trees

dance like ghosts in the gusts

shaking their limbs in a ghoulish jig

fevered and frantic and rushed

yet as the clouds go on their way

and pools disappear down the drains

the soul of the town is hushed again

by the calamity

by the humanity

by the dawn of another day

Morning Walk

I grumble when I rise

in this new routine I find

of having to leash the dogs

and head outside.

No more opening doors

having always been free to explore

and do their business

without any help of mine.

So on the leashes go

before the coffee brews

and out into the narrow streets

now home.

Smoke from chimneys hovers low

the smell of it

lifts spirits below

while pleasant thoughts soon rise

with the early sun.

And on we wend

through the aged, shadowed alleys

past tiny cars and crumbling walls

by well-fed, feral cats and barking dogs

who hear our jingly approach

and let it be known to all.

Life behind the shutters

has begun to stir

and the sounds of life within

all heard

dissuade me from feeling too alone

while my husband wraps things up

where once was home.

Passing walls of gathered stone

and garden patches in verdant rows

the dogs seek out every, single smell

while continually adding their own.

Happy to be lost in the ancient grid

of unworked fields and olive trees

of derelict lots

and well-tended hearths

I have little worry

of my place on earth

and finding our way back

to anticipated treats

to coffee

and to home.

Click. Clack.

Click.

Clack.

Each step he takes

with a cane in both hands

to steady his gait.

He can hardly see.

Doesn’t hear too well.

Yet several times a day

he’s determined to go.

Clicking and clacking

on his measured pilgrimage.

No matter where

but curious

where the old man heads.

Can’t help but admire

that he just goes.

Click.

Clack.

Determined and slow.

Circling the piazza,

he rests at the cafe,

where he sits with his friends

for much of the day.

And then

Click.

Clack.

he shuffles to his door.

But a couple hours later

Click.

Clack.

He totters off once more.

The Whistler

Well before the sun appears

in the dark

in the dew

in the quiet of pre-dawn

I hear a man whistling

a happy tune

as it echoes off the ancient walls.

Who whistles,

I think as I lay in bed,

at such a time of day?

But the happy song

he whistles that morn

blows my question away.

I smile and listen as he makes his way

from bin to bin to bin,

marvelling at his utter joy

for the simple job he’s in.

If only all of us could feel

the happy this fellow seems

each morning that he puckers his lips

and starts his day with a tune.

The Shoe

he stood there

at the side of the road

tapping his toes

waiting

for something to happen

something to change

someone to come

frustrating

but you can’t just stand

at the edge of the street

tapping your feet

hesitating

at the side of the road

with no where to go

with nothing to do

fading

either cross and move on

or turn back home

cause it’s easier there in the shadows

but he couldn’t decide

so he stood there and sighed

waiting and waiting and waiting

until all that remained

at the side of the road

was a worn out, old shoe

decaying

standing alone

beaten down by a life

of nothing but procrastinating

shadows

will you see my shadow in the grass when i’m gone

will it move and stretch in the mid-day’s sun

will it disappear in the shrouds of the junipers’ limbs

will you see it in the changing light of all that’s been

will you hear my words in the strong, spring gusts

or catch remnants of my footsteps in the Arizona dust

will the love i tried to nurture here go unfed

will the times i felt i failed you ever leave my head

will the moments that i gave so freely of my heart

be a warm, welcome memory, or lost within the dark

of selfish wants of worthless things

which made us forget the bounty love brings

i will look for your shadow in the change that lies ahead

i will listen for your laughter and will think of you my friend

and if you see my shadow roaming through the neighborhood

i hope you smile and recollect that all that was, was good

This House

This house

now weighs heavy on my heart

where once was light

we nurtured from the dark;

where when we moved ourselves

within these walls,

neighbors turned to friends

and friends turned all.

Where varied folk

met on this dusty road

and found a kinship

worth a weight in gold.

But years have passed

and seeds have scattered

and once things did,

but now don’t matter.

Cause when the world

was forced to shift,

what was once,

no longer fit.

And as the view

began to change

and i unchained

the new within,

these walls –

this world –

became a cage

guarded by a new found rage

of my own making.

And it started me thinking.

Now new worlds lie in wait.

My love and I

can feel the weight

lifting

and roots

shifting.

And this,

our beautiful home,

our past,

lovingly

and finally,

releasing.

The Wind and the Woods

The highland winds howl through the valley,
rattling the windows of our house on the hill,
shaking and bending the world at their will,
as the Midwestern in me braces for a storm.

Intense and unforgiving. Possibly spinning.
I feel my body – tense and taut –
preparing for the worst with each swollen gust.
But this is just spring in the southwest.

Pacing through the house, anxious to move,
or for everything to stop,
the dogs and I head out for our walk.
Prepared for a fight against the wind’s tough talk.

Outside I find more bark than bite
the winds are strong, but warmed by the high desert’s light
Layers are shed as we head to where the pronghorn graze
and the sweeping winds blow songs across the tall grass.

Downwind of us and warned,
the herd has up and gone,
prompting me to turn against the unrelenting gusts
and start the journey home again.

Past fuzzy Cholla and Prickly Pear lurking in the grass,
nipping at the paws of distracted dogs
drunk with newly moistened worlds in their noses.
Noses lifting and twirling with the breezes.

But oh the smells, rebirthed by frugal spring rains;
appearing and disappearing, for the cloudless air is always shifting,
enlivening everything, including my spirits,
with its transient sweetness.

Wandering up the hill toward home into the dark of the grey-green pines,
a Great Horned Owl lifts off a nearby branch.
One grand flap of her powerful wings, and then, a silent shadow
moving up the hill to a low limbed Juniper, heavy with slate blue berries.

I follow quietly, passing the fallen remains of a pine long dead,
which looks like an old skeleton without a head.
Hidden in the shadows of the boughs, the owl waits.
Only taking flight again when she is in my sight.

It’s then I start to wonder, who’s taking more delight
in this hide and seek game in the wind and the woods.

I can feel her watching us move up the hill.
And in the still, our eyes finally meet, albeit brief,
before she spreads her broad, stealth wings
and disappears above the trees and tailings of an old pit mine.

We hear a raucous raven at the top of the tree
where I hoped the Great Horned Owl would be.
But the owl is already on the go, into the blow, and out of sight.
Though I very much doubt we’re out of hers.

Unleashing the dogs as home comes in view
Nellie’s off in a flash on her reptile pursuit.
Zigging and zagging, but never succeeding.
(I think she’s just teasing.)

I shout her name, but it’s squandered in the gusts.
so I lose myself in the wind’s white-noise
and pressing my self against its hilltop strength,
find my peace and place in it again.

The Girl in the Red Velvet Hat

I saw a girl in a red velvet hat with feathers to one side.
Meeting her eyes, I smiled.
She grinned, but shyly turned her gaze.
So I studied her young silhouette
and thought of long past days.
Of ladies in fabulous hats and fitted suits,
with cigarettes and smart comebacks
for men in Fedoras, white shirts and ties
who secretly longed for the sassy, young ladies
in red, velvet hats with feathers to one side.

Coyote

We surprise a small, skinny coyote

as the dogs and I appear from the wash

not far from where she’s also rising from a small ravine.

She sees us first

and tries to make a slow, low retreat

into the scrub oak and pine,

when I see her

and stop.

Holding tight to the leashes

I quietly greet the startled creature

who, instead of fleeing, pauses as well.

The dogs, now aware, wrench my arms,

but I hold on,

smiling silently at the brazen thing almost within reach,

yet standing so still.

And there, we all stare.

Hoping to suggest it best we all part,

I turn from our convergence

and the coyote agrees,

moving away, but in a similar direction.

She pauses for a final look between a gap in the growth,

as if to remember our constrained and quiet trio,

before her shabby, honey-colored hide

slinks over the next ridge

and disappears.

And the dogs and I,

ignoring my instinct to go home,

turn left instead.

One Square Mile

We’d been in Prescott several months

before I felt quite brave enough

to wander a mile of state trust land

neighboring our windy, new hillside home.

Raised in the Midwest, it was like another world

harsh and barren – and continuously warned

of giant spiders and big mountain cats,

poisonous snakes and thieving rats.

Instead, I learned of high dessert ways,

where life and death are on display.

In each cow for slaughter in the shade of a pine;

in the shy, white blossoms of the desert moon vine;

which shun the sun all summer long,

closing their beauty to everyone.

Then as the gentle night unfolds,

so does each petal, bright and bold.

And fleeting.

In every piece of a recent kill,

neatly picked clean from above and below,

until nothing remains but an armful of bones

to bleach and decay in the perennial sun.

Each time I’ve wandered this rolling terrain,

it has begged more questions and felt more sane;

and given me moments I’ll relive again

with a broad, happy smile for all that’s been.

Of days making circles within this wild square,

with the weight of the world or nary a care;

the moment the dogs and I walked up a hill,

where a herd of pronghorn stood scattered and still.

Two dozen, or so, at rest and at play.

Not bothered enough to run away.

Even as the dogs whined and pulled at their leashes,

they just raised their heads, and I stood speechless.

With earthy colors of white, black and wheat,

small groups spread out, but young close to teat.

Watching us.

Watching them.

Feeling the ache of the dogs in my arms,

and wanting to keep all present from harm,

I called for calm and aimed for home,

turning my pack from the wondrous tableau.

We hadn’t gone far when I felt the ground shake.

The once placid herd was now wide awake.

The dogs were frantic. Nearly pulled off my feet.

I turned to see the herd and me just about to meet.

Digging in heels and holding on tight,

I stared to the eyes of the leader in sight.

With the herd right behind, and us just ahead,

it was up to this doe as to how this would end.

At the very last moment, the doe darted right,

followed close by her clan, who were now in full flight.

The spray from her hooves shot into my gape,

as we watched the herd and our narrow escape.

Just the other side of a short, fat tree

the pronghorn passed just feet away.

Turning with the herd, thus turning their keeper,

the dogs spun me round, so I dug my heels deeper.

But instead of the group going forward and gone,

the leader turned back from where they had come!

A dust cloud of pronghorns surrounded all sides.

Dogs yanking and whining and losing their minds.

All I can think is, “Keep anchored! Hang tight!”

And that no one was going to concede this wild sight.

For how could I make someone truly believe

that I was in the middle of a pronghorn stampede?

When the final white butt disappeared in the dust,

leaving us trembling, I laughed – as you must.

“Holy shit!”, I screamed out, again and again,

as I looked for my breath and steadied my friends.

We climbed the last hills of this special square mile,

to our tame, little world, where we’d rest a while

and dream of dust clouds.

remember the good times

remember the good times

is all that you wrote

the words i read got stuck in my throat

remember the good times?

when were those?

for I’ve looked as far as my memory goes

i’ve tried and i’ve tried to find these grand days

but i’m coming up empty

‘cause you’re just one-act plays

of selfish, greedy, immoral plots

never getting what you want

and that’s a lot

remember the good times?

i wish i could

i wish there was something in you I find good

but you’ve lived your life of self-serving deeds

of stealing what you want

but never need

of talents gone wasted

cause you’re a damn fool

disappointed the world

hasn’t fawned and drooled

that they haven’t come knocking

to give you the key

that won’t ever come

and won’t set you free

disappointment feeds on asking so much

when you’ve done so little to earn life’s trust

here’s what i’ll remember

and i beg you to, as well

i love you and I truly hope

you give life better stories to tell.

Float

Let me float

in the warmth

and the dark

and the quiet.

Let my weariness subside.

Let me float

away the aches

away the worry

away the want.

Let weightless be my guide.

Let me sink

in the drink

of nothing to do but float.

Let me breathe

long and deep

gotta hold that strong, clear note.

Just keep still

feel the pain

release its grip

on aging limbs.

Fill my chest

with long, slow breaths

letting go and letting in.

Watch the sun

begin to rise

casting red upon the skies.

And as the red seeps into orange

find peace and calm

in the water’s warmth.

From orange to yellow

paler than butter

let myself BE in the pillowy color.

And as the yellow lightens to blue

and the plug is pulled

and the gravity, new.

Take the weight.

Feel the cold.

Face the day.

Be brave.

Be bold.

And keep afloat.

I’m fine.

I’m fine.

That’s what you want to hear.

I’m fine.

I’ll say it loud and clear.

I’m fine.

It’s easier this way.

I’m fine.

Pretending everyday.

I’m fine.

It’s normal to wake in tears.

I’m fine.

Haven’t had a break in years.

I’m fine.

Trying to find that level ground.

I’m fine.

Wondering who I hope will stick around.

I’m fine.

Cause that’s the me you want to see.

I’m fine.

But she’s the she I no longer care to be.

I’m fine.

Losing something which never was.

I’m fine.

Just keep going, cause that’s what one does.

I’m fine.

Trying each day to set things right.

I’m fine.

But waking most days too tired to fight.

I’m fine.

Wondering if death came before dawn.

I’m fine.

And if Mom is alive, how to stay kind.

I’m fine.

Cause every day it’s just the same.

I’m fine.

The same recording on endless play.

I’m fine.

While the rest of the world gets on with its day.

I’m fine.

As hair by hair, my years now show.

As lines overtake my burrowed brow.

As my strength builds, then suddenly goes.

As the walls of my home begin to close.

As each day’s remnants turns to dust.

As I do each day what I know I must.

I’m fine.

I’m fine.

I’m fine.

too bad

you wouldn’t lift my broken heart above your selfish wants

so sad

my anguished words swatted at like tiny, pesky gnats

so sad

the years i gave my all to thee

so glad

extending branches of our tree

so glad

but when my give had given up

so bad

broken and tired i sought your love

so sad

each member of my precious clan

too bad

took the next exit out of town

too sad

leaving this trio to figure it out

not mad

not sad

some times still bad

but glad of the love that’s stuck around

Flies

down in the lean-to,

swatting at flies.

annoying little fuckers,

always at my horses’ eyes.

but that’s flies.

in nothing but shit

they feed and they breed.

pesky and pitiless

and bulging with greed.

never enough

is just one pile of shit,

of biting at ankles

and doing their bit.

they eat at the skin

of the gentle and strong,

who stand there and stomp

and never do harm.

but that’s flies.

appearing in swarms.

one purpose in mind:

feed and breed

off the peaceful and kind.

make wounds fester.

make eyes ooze.

plant eggs in more shit

til the air is abuzz.

such nasty little insects

i relish in killing,

and sending them on

to find light – for those willing.

but my hope is not great

for the pests just keep coming

with their selfish, rotting deeds

and their ceaseless biting and buzzing.

but that’s flies.

so the horses will stomp.

the pests will keep biting.

and i’ll do my best to protect

and keep fighting,

those nasty

fucking

flies.

Death, the Kingbird, and I

Death rapped on our window at dawn

so I leapt from bed and out the door

to shoo it away.

But there, below the window,

in the morning shade of the Mulberry tree

a Western Kingbird lay.

Damn it, I cried aloud to death,

I’ve tried to keep you at bay.

How many window decals do I need

to keep them all away?

You silly thing, I said to the bird,

and scooped to pick her up.

Stunned and afraid

she fluttered her wings,

flipping helplessly in the dust.

With soothing words, i tried again.

cupping hands around my little friend.

Who showed little life.

Who looked near the end.

But I was not interested in welcoming death,

so finding a box and trying my best,

I set the bird down in a soft, cotton nest.

A gentle stroke upon her head

and down her narrow bill.

Her wide, black eyes, now closed.

Her gray and yellow feathers, still.

Death, I see, is stopping by.

So I leave the Kingbird,

– and this mourning scene –

to have a good, long cry.

For the bird,

For the world.

For me.

For death hovers over this house.

It simply can’t be helped

with a 90 year old mother about.

Although uninvited, it came for a visit.

Not much to be done

except to face it.

I returned to the box

with the poor, little bird.

And, once again, I cursed aloud.

Reaching down for one final stroke,

suddenly the Kingbird woke,

and flew in a flash

to a neighboring tree,

leaving me

and death

behind today.

Done is Done

Away they go,

one by one.

Change is change.

Done is done.

Years go by.

Wrinkles arrive.

Needs and wants

don’t always jibe.

Some folk never get enough.

Give too little.

Troubled trust.

Throw that bond

right under the bus.

Time no longer shelters “us”.

Those who once

were all as one.

Away they go.

And done

is done.

Head in the Sand

Of the same womb, but worlds apart.

How in the world did all of this start?

Lend me an ear and I’ll try to explain

why, sadly, all we now share is a name.

That choked by bad choices

you continue to make

in a life that seems filled with less give and more take.

And each time that things don’t work out as you planned

deeper your burrow down the bible – 

your sand.

You say you know its words from begot-ing to end,

but do you understand them,

my brother,

my one-time friend?

Although it’s not my cup of tea,

I get the love they feel for Thee.

What I wonder is what the prophet would say

about the choice you make day after day

to drink that poison,

sip by sip,

handed out by a moron in an ill-fitting suit.

But sip it you do

and little by little

it takes from me what I’d known since I was little.

Lost to false idols and fearing the day

you’ll put those you love-or so you say-

in the middle of the dangerous road, 

Harms Way.

Why?

Do you not see the truth?

Is your ego that frail?

Is it too uncouth?

Please… help me understand.

Or is that poison too near at hand?

Too easy a reach,

such low-hanging fruit,

nurtured by the fear of whatever’s not you.

Is that your testament?

Is that what it teaches?

Never put to practice what, I’m told, the bible preaches?

I’ll stick my to religion –

that of being kind,

of looking after all I meet

with body, heart and mind.

I wish I could halt this destructive path you lead,

knock that toxin from your hand –

show you how you can be free.

But if the love for your mother and Jesus can’t, 

you’ll never

truly

be.

The Gentle Push

The open road before you.

The gentle push I’ll give you.

Toward those who have much more to teach you.

So sure you know its direction.

Blind curves hidden from your youthful attention.

But that’s okay.

It’s fumbling.

It’s humbling.

It’s finding your own way.

You’re done listening.

Because the whole world is calling.

And my long heard words are falling on deaf ears.

But that’s okay.

Cause it’s fumbling.

It’s humbling.

It’s finding your own way.

That will gently push you back to me some day.

The Tightrope

You said you were committed.

I said I’d be supportive.

But the words don’t sit well.

For your actions tell a different tale.

And your dogged words seem far too determined.

Such blind insistence.

Or path of least resistance?

Ever searching for the answers you want.

All the while ignoring the signs along the road

that might lead to the ones you need.

Neglecting the scattered litter

of past mistakes and warring expectations.

Which I beg to witness at a comfortable distance.

Without uncomfortable and conscripted exchanges

between different people

on different journeys.

Anxious to see a figure on the far horizon.

Hoping they find their way to being kinder.

And more grateful.

But the path keeps twisting and returning

and treading over the same old ground.

Now hardened against new growth.

New possibilities.

New love.

Always looking for something more than that they should be thankful for.

And the peace and simplicity and beauty of the generous road just cleared

is suddenly cluttered.

And claustrophobic.

And strewn with dog treats and decorating magazines.

And the trail becomes a tightrope.

With blindfolded eyes set on some illusive prize at the other end.

Trying to balance on the narrow rope that is constantly off-kilter.

Shaken by opposing desires.

Lack of trust.

Pack of lies.

Loving, but misguided intentions.

Desperation.

Ever the victim.

It’s hard enough to watch.

Don’t ask me to take that wavering walk.

I’m happy here on the ground with my family and friends.

Whose relationships I’ve earned.

Not cajoled.

Not bought or sold.

Which need work.

Here and there.

But are always easy and comfortable.

Trustworthy and sincere.

And certain.

Are you certain?

Of it?

Of you?

Of the rope and where it’s leading to?

Are you certain the links of this coupling are strong,

Not bound by fears of a future alone?

Questions I’ll ask from that comfortable distance.

Hoping you’ll find the prize you seek

beyond such blind insistence.

Within Close Range: Mark

With full plates and mouths full, 

we vie for Dad’s attention. 

Except for Mark, the youngest,. 

who’s quietly making faces 

at the different conversations. 

Having barely touched his plate, 

Mark asks to be excused. 

It’s a radical move. 

As was Dad saying yes.

Something’s soon stirring

in the boys’ room above.

Then all eyes are drawn 

through the dining room window, 

overlooking the bluff,

to the darkening sky, 

where an airplane is crossing. 

Which wouldn’t be much,

if the thing wasn’t smoldering. 

Hearts jump. 

Mom shrieks. 

Until the tiny model plane on fire, 

hung up on its wire,

stops in mid-air.

Strung from the window 

to a large, old oak on the lawn. 

the tiny, model fighter jet

was soon gone.

All those hours he spent building it.

Admiring it.

High-wiring it. 

Just went up in flames.

As Mark quietly returns to the table.

All eyes have turned to Dad, 

who seems, 

at first, 

not to know how to react. 

But then we see it:

an almost imperceptible grin. 

Mark’s scrunched shoulders soften.

“Nice job,” laughs Jim, 

“Twisted, but effective.”

I can see Mark is pleased. 

He’s impressed a tough crowd. 

Dare I say it? 

Made us proud. 

Except for Mom, 

who’s still holding her heart.

Within Close Range: Ice Cream and Convertibles

Within Close Range: Ice Cream and Convertibles

“Who wants ice cream?” 

comes the call from below.

Just behind Dad, I’m first to the car. 

quickly taking possession of the coveted front seat 

when Mom chooses a quiet hour’s retreat.

Off we go,

past the last of the day’s golfers 

crossing the final, shadowed fairway.

Rolling along at country club speed, 

I look to the trees heavy with green 

and suck in the waning day,

the moist lake air, 

and the strong, sweet aroma of fresh cut grass 

and wild, roadside onions.

Once we have passed

the crustiest of the upper class, 

Dad presses on the gas 

and summer is now whizzing past 

with me behind a veil of windblown hair. 

It’s a straight shot to ice cream, 

twenty minutes to 31 flavors 

in an old, brick, corner building.

Following the train tracks all the way to town, 

passing The Lantern 

and the best burgers in town; 

passing Market Square 

where in the late summer twilight, 

half the town is milling about the fountain.

Behind the brightly illuminated windows, 

the ice cream shop is crowded. 

which means more time  

to peak between the people 

at the colorful, ice-cold delights:

Rocky Road

Mint Chocolate Chip 

Bubble Gum 

Too many for me to choose from 

and greedy for more,

I’m allowed to order the Banana Royale 

with hot fudge and chopped nuts, 

topped with whipped cream 

a bright red Maraschino cherry

and a raised eyebrow from Dad. 

Loath to re-admit offspring 

with fast melting ice cream 

into his always pristine car, 

Dad leads us all toward Market Square 

where we admire the stores from a drippy distance. 

Scanning the dimmed display cabinets 

and shiny glass countertops 

of Marshall Field’s Department store 

makes me think about the deliciousness of Frango Mints, 

and the distinctiveness of the peculiar, old lady 

from the first floor makeup department, 

who looks as if she’s been there forever. 

She fascinates me. 

Always dressed in black, 

which perfectly matches her jet-black bob, 

accentuated with a precisely penciled-in, 

black as pitch, 

widow’s peak.

A steadfast fancy from her flapper days? 

Her happy days?

Past the old rec center and the stationary store, 

I pause at the window of Kiddle’s 

to dig at the fudge from the bottom of my bowl

and marvel at the bicycles and basketballs, 

the helmets, t-shirts, bats and rackets 

covering every inch of wall from its old, wooden floor 

to its elaborate, tin ceiling.

From here, I set my sights on Market Square Bakery. 

On the same old, dusty display cakes 

sitting in the same, old dusty display windows. 

Knowing well what glorious, sugary delights 

will soon be baking on the other side of the “Closed” sign, 

making Mom’s after-school errands bearable. 

Constatntly scanning the sidewalks 

and the square’s grassy center 

for a friend among the small crowds 

gathered around the fountain and benches, 

relishing the cool of the evening. 

Delighted by the sight of any familiar face 

and the feeling of community.

Intimacy.  

So I make my Banana Royale last. 

Savoring every moment in every bite 

as we round the square and pass a real estate office 

where lighted photos of formidable houses 

make window-shoppers dream…

big.

As the last of the ice cream disappears, 

and the last corner of the square is near, 

I know we’re almost back at the car, 

but not until we pass my very favorite spot –  

Pasquesi’s, now dark and quiet.

Inside, there’s a bell on its door 

that signals Mr. P. to look up from the back 

of his simple, splendid, tiny purple lunch counter, 

as he offers up the best and sloppiest of Sloppy Joe’s, 

the cheesiest of cheese dogs, 

and the warmest of smiles. 

Greeting all as if long lost friends 

finally coming home. 

Always making me feel that I belong.

Back at the car 

and forced to relinquish the front seat 

to a sibling demanding their turn, 

I lower myself from the cool, night air 

and, in the quiet of an ice cream coma, 

count the streetlights passing above, 

until the stars and the dark replace them, 

the crickets’ song grows strong, 

and my eyes grow heavy.

Within Close Range: The Straight-Away

The Straight-away is the longest lineal stretch of road in Shoreacres, where speed bumps do little to dissuade teenage boys in first cars from pressing down on gas pedals.

At the end of this tempting strip of asphalt, with the sun rising at my back, throwing orange and pink and unreasonable beauty into the gloomy school day scene, is the bus stop.

It is here, from autumn to early summer, I watch for the giant, yellow monster to come into view as it makes the turn at the top of the Straight-Away. 

Praying often that I missed it, or it won’t appear, and Mom has to drive me to school. 

Offering a morning’s reprieve from school bus bullies.

And a chance to gobble up freshly made donuts from the truck stop along the way.

Within Close Range: The Being in Basements

Some are reached by steep, wooden steps,

only at the end of which,

is a switch,

and salvation from the dark;

where cold, cement floors sting bare feet

and we search for cousins playing hide and seek

beneath an old, pine table,

and in cupboards stuffed with moth balls and old lives.

Down other stairs, parents send rapidly sprouting offshoots

(and their weedy accomplices)

to remain mostly out of sight, sound and smell.

New worlds explored in sunless rooms of cinderblock;

where mismatched 13-year-olds kiss, and later tell,

and budding musicians, mid black lights and bong hits,

learn to shake and rattle the house;

while in the dark and in a lawn chair, I learn to hang out.

Some sunken spaces are like snapshots

kept on a shelf in an old shoebox.

Still lives of vinyl bars and swivel stools

and down-turned glasses on dusty shelves, long unused.

Moth-eaten scenes of what might have been.

A gathering place for friends and kin

where woes of the week were drowned deep in cocktails

and lost in card games – or a top twenty song – to which most sang along,

as the stereo spun its new-fangled, stereophonic sound. 

Curious but comfortless, being long-deserted and people-less.

Apart from the ghosts in the room.

My favorite sunken places are worn, but happy spaces

in which my favorite female faces

grow leaps and bounds beside me,

unconstrained and nearly unimpeded by upstairs edicts.

Sharing cigarettes, dance moves, inside jokes

and cases of beer bought just over the border;

making evenings fuzzy, and hangovers a new, underworld reality. 

Playing pool, the juke box, the fool;

while trying to play it cool

when faced with firsts and friends far more in the know

about nearly everything that happens down below.

Within Close Range: Bullies

Because our home’s so far away, 

I’m the first picked up by the bus each day

and the very first stop after school –

which makes every student on our route  

sit forty minutes more each afternoon

and me, an unwelcome sight.

Full of hormones and hate, 

those in last few rows of the long, yellow bus 

moan and groan 

as soon as I climb on,

making me nervously skitter to the nearest seat

where I crouch 

and hide 

and wait.

The hardcore insults come later

and louder

cloaked in the anonymity of the rumbling and motion 

of our rolling prison.

Deaf to what he hears, 

the bus driver just stares ahead

and goes where he’s told. 

United by the same neighborhood, 

in the opposite direction,

they snarl and nip at the back of my neck –

piercing my thin skin. 

It’s us versus them, 

in every nasty word. 

But the “them” they think I am 

is absolutely absurd.

When their rabid, backseat words 

have more than their usual bite, 

I step from the bus 

and race to the woods, 

searching for a way to shake the hurt 

in the thick, dim patches of unpeopled forest. 

I disappear among the ember-colored leaves 

which cap the many trees

before the heavy freeze 

steals the color from the land.

And there, I simply am.

Where I step to the sound of my breathing,

the movement of the clouds, 

and to the busy hush of forest life about, 

reminding me to go about my own;

and to heal my wounds

with the comforts of home.

Within Close Range: Florida Days – the teen years

Driving from the airport

to a new winter retreat – 

a 20 story high-rise in Pompano Beach –

it’s clear things aren’t as they have been.

Gone are the Mid-Century neighborhoods 

with small, tidy bungalows 

and pastel-colored apartment complexes. 

Gone are the small, neat streets 

crammed with big, American cars 

and the quiet, inland canals 

with their 90 degree curves.

Modern high-rises now loom along the coast, 

casting long shadows over these old ghosts.

Smothered by “The Strip”, 

a popular stretch of beach –

and the only way to their new place,-

Nonna and Papa are forced to face

nubile, bikini-clad, beer drinking youth 

balanced precariously between child and adult

unkempt, 

half-naked 

all god-forsaken. 

But Gina and I crave this uncharted world, 

which we’re slowly cruising past 

in the back seat of a tightly sealed Cadillac, 

filled with the sounds of Perry Como 

and the smell of Jean Nate.

The closer we get to Nonna and Papa’s, 

the older the demographics begin to slant,

until beers and bikinis are soon replaced 

by beer bellies and Platex bras.

The upside to the new zip code 

is a bigger abode – 

and a separate door to the outside world –

or at least to a corridor,

and an unused stairwell.

To Marlboro Lights 

and poorly rolled joints, 

and late night escapades with girls from New York.

Gone are our grandparents’ halcyon days 

of minding their ways.

These are the carefree days of youth. 

Of baby oil and B-52s.

Getting stoned in the sauna. 

Drinking beers on the beach.

Somehow convincing Nonna 

to hand us the keys.

Of cranking up the radio

and rolling down the windows

to inhale the salty air

and the sweet smell 

of being newly licensed. 

Of boys on the beach noticing us 

and Nonna – 

from high above –

noticing them, noticing us.

These are the Florida days 

of pushing boundaries, 

especially ones so poorly guarded.

Well past our very strict curfew.

Nonna is waiting and bleak.

She’s worked herself into such a state,

she’s lifted off her bunioned feet.

She cross-examines, 

reprimands, 

and threatens to send us home; 

then leads us in to Papa 

in the unlit living room, 

Leaden and pacing. 

My heart is breaking.

When all is said – 

which isn’t much – 

he turns his back 

and sends us to bed. 

The first thing we see in the morning

taped prominently to the fridge

is a newspaper clip with a giant headline, 

“Girls Found Charred on Beach”,

and Nonna, 

with her back to us.

Sighing and tsk-ing, 

but not saying anything.

Until behind closed bedroom doors, 

on an all-day call with her sister, Rose,

we can hear her tell of all her woes; 

heralded, at times, in a pitch so high, 

dogs throughout the high-rise begin to cry.

This leads to quieter Florida days, 

of shorter visits 

and solo stays.

Now more observer than the observed; 

studying Nonna and Papa 

in their Florida world.

In their well-aged routine of marital malaise.

Wondering if I know what a happy marriage is?

Hours of watching old ladies by the pool; 

with their sun hats and cigarettes 

and bad romance books;

their games of Canasta, 

and over-tanned skin… 

wondering if any 

were ever really young?

When Papa leaves to tend to the store, 

it’s hours of Gin Rummy, 

and little more.

Alone with Nonna, 

playing round after round 

on the windy, high-rise balcony, 

sixteen floors from the ground.

Where 8-track cassettes 

of Liberace and Lawrence Welk 

teach me tolerance, 

and the importance of a wickedly good game face.

Happy to see the rainy skies. 

Happy to stay indoors 

and in our nightgowns.

The condo is especially quiet. 

No washing machine 

or television 

reminding us of other things. 

Other lives.

No dinner out 

or big meal in.

We barely move. 

Rarely talk.

Occasionally, Nonna disappears, 

returning with something powdery and sweet

or cheesy and crusty

and hot from the oven.

Such deliciously quiet moments 

of simply doing nothing.

Oh these my Florida days.

Within Close Range: Anita

Anita is one of those agile girls 

whose limber and daring I envy.

Her front flips and back flips, 

backbends and full splits.

I can’t even cartwheel.

I do a competent somersault,

but it garners little praise. 

So, I spend a good deal of time 

just laying in the grass.

Observing. 

Awed by long, lanky, bendy bodies –

especially Anita’s – 

twisting, turning, and taking flight. 

Wondering why and how 

she could do such things so skillfully, 

when those skills so skillfully eluded me. 

Or was it the passion to try? 

But Anita’s dexterity 

defies the norms of stretchability 

because Anita adds double-jointed

to her impressive athletic ability.

She often demonstrates her loose-jointed trait

by bending her willowy hand the wrong way; 

masterfully mis-shaping her long, freckled arm, 

as if made of soft, moist, modeling clay. 

She can do the same with her shoulders and knees 

until her bowed silhouette looks strange indeed:

a favorite umbrella blown inside out

by a rib-bending gust in a strong, spring shower.

Illogical and ludicrous.

Almost cartoonish.

Watching her move I feel ever defeated,

disjointed,

dysfunctional. 

A dyed-in-the-wool, tried and failed tumbler.

Forever to watch from the shade of a tree, 

where I marvel at my elastic friend, 

who can bend, 

and bend, 

and bend.

Within Close Range: Dinner at the Celanos’

Dinner means waiting.

It means setting the table 

with placemats and napkins,

and neatly set silver, 

pitchers of water 

and plates for your salad; 

and waiting and waiting,

as smells from the kitchen, 

from sizzling pans and simmering pots, 

waft through the house 

like intoxicating fog.

Making it hard to concentrate 

on anything but the the clock,

and the driveway, 

where we turn our attentions 

every few minutes, 

hoping for headlights.

Stomachs gurgling.

Tempers shortening.

Dad finally showing 

and ever so slowly…

shedding his suit. 

Un-harried. 

Unhurried 

to get the meal going. 

Though children are moaning. 

Haven’t eaten in minutes. 

But dinner begins 

when Dad’s ready to sit.

And no sooner.

Within Close Range: Curfew

Every mile or so, 

I glance to the clock. 

Hoping time will stop.

Or that it’s not really five o’clock.

The final mile along the road, 

I roll down the windows to air out the smell. 

The woodland creatures are beginning to shift,

so once in the driveway, I turn the lights off

and roll slowly along, with the engine hushed.

Safe inside, it’s straight to the fridge.

Grabbing cold pasta, I start up to bed.

But a light from the den stops me instead.

And before I can step a tip to a toe,

Dad rumbles from the den, 

strong and low.

And I have nowhere else to go.

Perched on his favorite, swivel chair, 

he’s flanked by portraits of ungrateful heirs.

Grumbling at the empty driveway 

and disappearing night,

he’s been swiveling there for hours 

without a child in sight.

Staring at my bloodshot eyes, 

he asks if I know the hour,

and things aren’t looking good 

for this early morning flower.

“What could you be doing 

until five in the morning?”

All at once, the truth pours forth 

without a single warning.

I tell Dad how the day was spent 

cooking with some friends, 

then going to a drive-in 

for a zombie marathon;

about the beautiful night 

and the shoreline fire, 

the remarkable moonlight 

as we waded in the water.

Baffled by my sudden truths, 

Dad takes a moment to recompute.

“I’m just waiting for your sister.”

(as the final plot twister)

were the next 

and last 

words from his mouth.

Equally confounded, 

I leave the scene ungrounded.

Looking from an upstairs window, 

just above where Dad keeps vigil,

I see the dawn beginning to dance, 

and know, poor Mia, 

doesn’t stand 

chance.

Within Close Range: The Double Date

Home from college,

my dance card empty,

Jean has ignored me

and arranged a double date. 

Making my way toward the kitchen

to re-hydrate my bone-dry jitters,

I pass Dad in the den. 

He’s sitting in the swivel chair, 

with his back to the windows, 

pretending he’s reading. 

He’s also pretending not to see me. 

Isn’t happy about this evening.

With boys ever at the heels of Mia and Chris, 

he takes frequent comfort in my constant datelessness. 

But really, is the The Garden Journal so utterly absorbing

that my noisy, high-heeled entrance, he’s utterly ignoring?

Not Dad.

(Can’t suppress eye roll.)

And what about Mom? 

Still hovering in the kitchen, 

without a purpose in sight. 

Both acting as this was my very first date. 

Not exactly soothing.

Just need to keep moving.

A difficult task in absurdly high heels

which already feel like burning coals.

Through my water glass, 

I watch Dad rotate right

to face the new, oncoming lights 

bouncing off the dimly lit walls.

A swivel slowly left, 

he’s watching Jean and our dates.

The doorbell’s ringing, 

but Dad’s not budging.

Instead, he’s whirled right back around 

that book might as well be upside down.

(Can’t suppress eye roll.)

I take a deep breath and open the door.

Jean’s smile is enormous. 

I look to the floor –

I know she’s trying.

But there’s something she’s hiding –

like my date being just about as happy as I am.

Reaching out a limp, wet hand

What’s this poor guy’s name again?

I hear swiveling. 

Dad’s up and coming.

Then… passing,

without so much as a greeting.

(Eye roll mentally happening.)

And why is he stopping,

pretending to search for something?

Empty-handed, he’s returning.

I can almost hear the growling.

Keeping his fixed glare –

swiveling like the chair –

on both the boys,

until he quietly disappears.

I push my companions out the door,

hoping the night will hide my humiliation 

and breath new life into this double date situation.

But I’m not counting on it,

and neither is Dad,

who’s peeking through the curtains, 

shaking his head 

as he calls to the kitchen,

“She won’t be marrying THAT one.”

(Can’t suppress eye roll.)

Within Close Range: an evening with officer gildemeister

An Evening with Officer Gildemeister

Been sitting here for hours,

finding haunted, frightened faces 

in the station floor’s contours.

Don’t know whether to be relieved 

that the next person I see,

isn’t Dad.

But I was simply standing there

when someone gave me my first beer.

Just before all hell broke loose

in the parking lot of St. Mary’s Church and School.

Everyone saw the squad car. 

Everyone but me –

and the boy who got busted with a bong – 

but now he’s even free.

The scene’s a constant loop in my head:

beers flying, 

friends fleeing, 

voices shouting,

me freezing.

Blinded by flashing.

Too late to fling it.

Too late for dashing.

Why did I leave that stupid dance?

I just went to see the band.

Hoping to spark the lead guitar’s flame,

but the flame from a first crush never came.

“Is there someone else I can call?”

I can think of one name, that’s all.

“They have to be adults,” the cop sneers.

“Dr. and Mrs.” I mumble.

Of course, he knows the teenage sons.

and thinks they’re nothing but trouble.

Dirty, hippy, smart ass punks 

with long hair and ripped jeans;

thundering laughs and motorbikes,

and EVERYTHING that he dislikes.

At last, a fast-moving figure, 

in a tousled wig of blonde, 

darts through the doors 

with a generous smile

to face the big man with the gun.

A lady of very small stature

she is nearly eclipsed by his size. 

“Are you going to tell her why you’re here?”

she looks up to the cop and she smiles,

“She doesn’t have to tell me a thing.”

was all she had to say,

stunning the big, little, speechless man

bringing joy to my miserable day.

I suppress the urge to hug her.

But she’ll get a tearful later.

And I’ll be forever grateful

to Inga, my memorable savior.

Within Close Range: Clogs

Lake Forest High School’s West Campus

is a giant, brick and cinder block monstrosity, 

designed with all the charm and comforts 

of a state penitentiary. 

Sterile, 

uninviting, 

uninspiring, 

practically windowless, colorless, 

and completely humorless. 

Its warden roams the cinder block dungeons 

in his plaid polyester sports coat, 

smelling of cigarettes and body odor; 

wielding his insignificant power 

with more brawn than brain.

I’ve done everything I can to steer clear.

But best laid plans…

Still mocking an outdated documentary 

on health, hygiene, and the hazards of smoking;

featuring mildly graphic surgery footage, 

phony teens in dungarees, 

and from a hole cut in his larynx,

a smiling man blowing smoke rings,

I start down the stairs to my next class

but never see past the very first step

because the clog on my right foot has chosen to go ahead – 

getting only as far as the arch, instead –

landing my half-clogged foot on the step’s metal edge.

I plunge toward a staircase-ful of surprised friends

and new enemies, 

twisting and hurtling through the innocent 

and unsuspecting.

Coming down hard on my back.

With the grim, fluorescent lighting above 

and the cold, cement floor below,

I am returned to the moment 

by the moans of the stunned and wounded 

getting to their feet.

I attempt to do the same, 

but am gently pushed back to the cold concrete.

“You can’t move.”

“I’m fine,” I sigh in response, 

attempting to sit up again.

“No,” says our teacher,

as she pushes me back to the ground 

(a little more firmly this time).

“I mean, I can’t let you move until the principal gets here.”

“I’M FINE!” explodes off the cinder block walls. 

Faces grimace.

The class is soon sent on their way,

while like a one-shoed idiot, there I lay…

waiting…

imagining how the news of my nose dive

is already spreading.

Sprinting unnecessarily up the flight of stairs; 

a figure is soon looming over me on the landing –

an oppressive cloud of Aqua Velva and brown plaid.

And now I’m truly wishing I was dead.

Finally ensuring my captors 

there’ll be no need for an ambulance, 

to lawyer up,

or even help me up,

I hobble away,

bruised and humiliated.

Less than two weeks later,

fate becomes a hater – 

as I tumble down another set of steps.

People are beginning to wonder. 

Including the school nurse,

who meets me at the office door, 

shaking her head. 

Scrutinizing my footwear.

She hates clogs. 

Thinks they should all be put in a big pile 

and burned.

Just wait til she catches sight of my new Dr. Scholl’s.

Within Close Range: At the Edge of the Bluff

It’s an early spring day in the heartland.

Anemic, damp and miserable.

Clumps of stubborn snow and ice, 

grey and grimy, 

still dot the sidewalks and lawns.

Faces look pale and anxious for sun.

After the usual sermon of incense and absolution,

followed by stacks of pancakes and sausages, 

we know something is up 

when Dad drives past our neighborhood, 

further and further from home.

Passing unfamiliar faces and unfamiliar towns,

until backseat boredom is about to grow horns.

Passing another tiny town, 

and a solid white, storybook farm,

Dad finally slows and signals a turn.

“Shoreacres Country Club, Members Only”, 

reads the uninviting sign.

Swallowed by the dark of the woods,

the wide, low wagon drifts silently down the road, 

flanked by a small, trickling brook, 

winding past towering trees 

and long stretches of green. 

Everything is covered in a fine, frigid gloom, 

including another set of pretty, white buildings,  

silent and still on this dreary afternoon.

As we drive by a faded, old, green water tower, 

headless and frightening in the fog, 

our destination is finally divulged: 

a new home.  

I sink further into the wagon’s rear seat, 

where the unfriendly neighborhood disappears 

and I can see nothing but the thick, dark clouds. 

The silence is broken only by the sound of gravel 

crunching beneath the wheels of the wagon, 

now weighted with disappointment.

We twist down a long driveway and stop.

So inching my way back up, 

I survey the house. 

It’s dark and sullen.

Like the day. 

And my mood. 

Dad says, “We’ll just take a peek.”

But even I know what that means.

So, like prisoners into an exercise yard, 

we file from the car, 

and stand in an unhappy cluster in front of the house –

which isn’t yellow – 

like ours.

Which has no sign of neighbors, 

a school, 

the Good Humor Man,

or a new treehouse –

like ours.

We’re coaxed to a long row of windows 

which look through the cold, empty rooms, 

and beyond,

where lies a huge expanse of lawn.

And water, as far as the eye can see.

Racing to the rear of the house, 

we stand the edge of the bluff, 

looking out over the grand, Great Lake

right there at our toes.

We can see the silhouette of Chicago, 40 miles south.

Excitement for this strange, new place now erupts.

This place will become significant for all of us:

A decades-long breeder of unsupervised fun.

First beers. 

First cigarettes

And, of course, first bongs.

Secret rendezvous for teenage loves.

Outbuildings will be havens for fainthearted runaways

who soon long for home just a few feet away.

Follies of youth.

Such glorious days.

Until this world begins to erode.

To implode.

And all begin to scatter.

But, oh, what fertile earth it was

living life in the woods 

at the edge of the bluff.

Within Close Range: Chief – in three parts

Part One:

Chief is an ornery Appaloosa, 

short and fat, 

with black spots on the rump of his dirty, white coat. 

And the devil in his eyes. 

Of little training and no past consequences,

he’s a 9th birthday present from Dad – 

whose childhood pets were porcelain cats – 

and mostly Mom, 

a self-proclaimed Missouri farm girl,

with a steely, stubborn confidence over competence.

From the other side of the pasture fence, 

she urges me to remount:

“Make him know who’s boss!”

I struggle to my feet 

and limp toward the obvious answer

now grazing on prairie grass and wildflowers.

In between greedy mouthfuls, 

Chief raises his wild, blue eyes, 

beneath poorly cut bangs –

which I do myself. 

(No wonder he’s ornery.)

He’s quietly watching my pained approach 

and just as I get within a few feet, 

with a flick of his tail, he’s off – 

bucking and snorting as he goes.

Mom’s words are unrecognizable 

from the far end of the field.

But the tone is clear. 

So I move toward my spotted nemesis,

expecting him to bolt at any moment.

But this time, he lets me mount.

It’s all too easy, a voice inside warns.

But Mom’s is louder.

Barely settled in the saddle, 

Chief lifts his head and pins his fuzzy ears

flat against his thick skull.

Grabbing the reins and the horn, 

I know what’s coming.

Somehow still in the saddle at the canter, 

annoys my little, four-hoofed devil, 

who swerves from his path toward a cluster of pines.

Two, in particular,

which stand a pony’s width apart. 

I close my eyes and hold on tight.

Like yarn through an embroidery needle,

Chief threads us between the pines.

Scraped from their stirrups, 

my little legs bounce off of the pony’s big rear-end 

as we leave the trees for pasture 

and gallop toward Mom;

who’s still lobbing impractical words over the fence.

I feel my grasp on the saddle-horn weaken,

as my resolve that I’ll soon be tasting earth, 

grows.

And I let go.

Part Two:

Mom thinks a pal might keep Chief calmer. 

So early one spring, in comes Billy Gold: 

a blue ribboned, well-trained, Palomino,

which we trailered behind the wagon 

from his Missouri home.

Chief dislikes the new arrival immediately.

I think he’s dreamy

with his white/blonde mane and ginger coat, 

still winter thick and warm to the touch. 

Feeding him a carrot,

his hot breath and fuzzy lips 

tickle the palm of my cold, red hand.

Mark and Mia remain on the fence.

Watching.

Still unsure of whether Billy Gold –

like Chief –

is sinister.

In my thickly lined hood, 

tied tight against the cold, lake winds, 

I don’t understand their warnings

until far too late. 

Chief’s powerful teeth clamp down.

The pain in my butt is searing.

I’m howling.

Billy Gold bolts.

But Chief just stands there.

A nose length’s away.

Staring.

As I hop around the half-frozen earth,

swearing.

And rubbing the area already swelling.

My siblings’ shocked silence explodes into laughter, 

followed by a closely contested race to the house 

to see who’ll be the first to blather. 

Meanwhile, a purple-red welt, 

banded by marks of Chief’s big, front teeth, 

grows and throbs with each step toward the house

where Mom greets me with an ice pack 

and an ungoverned smile. 

Part Three:

When Chief isn’t trying to shed us,

or eat us,

he’s on the lam.

Devilishly clever.

Expected and regular.

The phone rings. 

Mom cringes.

Apologizes. 

Then sounds the alarm.

Steering the station wagon straight toward town.  

We found him in a graveyard once, 

On a foggy morning, one fall. 

Striking terror in the old caretaker 

who thought he’d seen it all.

Until galloping across the graves, 

he saw a ghostly, pony-sized sight,

with bad bangs, 

bouncing in the soupy light.

Pursued closely by a tall, beautiful, blonde 

in flowing, full length, lime-green chiffon. 

His hands still trembling 

when we waved from the road,

as we slowly crept toward home 

with our pony in tow.

But much of the time, Chief’s antics are close

and off I dash with grain and a rope; 

tracking my pony’s sod-ripping route 

through the blue-blood, buttoned-up neighborhood, 

across disapproving neighbors’ pristine lawns. 

From behind their glass houses, 

shaking heads frown.

One rainy, spring day, while chasing the brat,

he stops his mad bucking 

and turns in his tracks

to face me.

He pins his ears, which puts me on guard.

Then that damn pony starts to charge!

I am quite sure that we’re going to collide

When a voice – 

loud and fed up – 

calls from inside.

I drop the bucket of grain.

I drop the pony’s halter.

I gather all my courage.

My universe is itching to alter.

Setting my feet and standing my ground, 

I watch him close the gap.

And just as he’s an arm’s length away…

I give him a great, big

SLAP

at the tip of his long, white snout.

Suddenly, all Chief’s piss and vinegar

done

run

OUT! 

With a half-hearted snort, 

he lowers his poorly banged head, 

turning his devilish focus 

on the grain bucket instead.

And with noses aligned, 

we linger toward home, 

understanding more of each other 

than we had ever known.

Within Close Range: Candied Abandon

Something scrumptious 

always simmering 

in an old enamel pot. 

Looks to have cooked a million meals 

one hopes will never stop.

But as delectable to me 

as these savory delights,

Nonna and Papa’s home 

is a sweet-tooth paradise.

A candy-coated, chocolate-covered, 

fantasyland,

with countless confectionaries 

ever at hand.

Coffee candy, toffee bits.

Circus peanuts, caramel nips. 

Cookie tins with crescents 

that melt on my tongue,

leaving powdered-sugar fingerprints 

wherever I’ve gone.

In nightstands, TV stands, 

and cabinets, wall-to-wall;

in boxes, and pockets, 

and purses in the hall.

I scan all the shelves 

for a glimmer of color

through crystal candy dishes 

in a glass-front cupboard.

On a mirrored table 

beside the velvety green couch,

I find a lidded coffer 

that has gone untouched.

Chasing my greedy reflection 

over the mirrored table top,

I see no misgivings, 

as I reach for the box.

Those would come later, 

when at the dinner table,

Nonna presses me to eat, 

but I simply unable.

Which is simply

not

done.

Within Close Range: Flying

I dream of flying.

Lifting off the edge of the bluff

and rising quickly 

toward the fat, lazy clouds

hovering over the great, grey lake.

Circling the nearby harbor

where scattered sailboats bob, 

I swoop and dive

like the swallows nearby,

but seek out more familiar forms

hidden back among the trees,

just far enough 

from the crumbling bluff

to put Dad’s mind at ease.

To the glowing kitchen window

and the figure of Mom 

in her pink, plaid apron.

Ever regal.

Ever busy

in her blue and yellow kitchen.

I hover there,

in the cool lake air,

listening to the happy clinks and clanks

of pots and plates.

And try to imagine what’s cooking

by what’s wafting through the windows.

Until a strong breeze 

lifts the aroma 

and me

back over the lake.

Past the sunken, old pier

where giant carp spawn 

year after year.

Past the rocky harbor walls

standing hard against the waves.

Until the house 

and the cottage 

and the beach 

disappear,

and I begin to really soar

over endless stretches 

of dark and deep.

Unhappy to find my bed

and solid ground beneath me 

when I wake.

Within Close Range: Florida Days – the early years

It’s a small, but airy, two bedroom 

built at the corner of an inland canal; 

brightly decorated in yellows, greens, blues and whites, 

and perpetually shaded from the Sunshine State.

A peculiar land of tropical scents 

and strikingly unfamiliar sights. 

Far removed from the only place I know at night,

home.

Put to bed too early, 

I lie in the sitting room-turned-my-room, 

tossing and turning on the lumpy sofa-bed

for what seems like hours and hours on end.

Listening intensely to the sounds of apartment living

made especially audible by the glass-vented door

opening onto the curved building’s exterior hall.

My slatted portals to an unknown world. 

To the sounds of the apartment people 

returning from the pool, 

the shops, 

the grocers, 

dinner out.

Of doorbells ringing 

and little feet skipping, 

hugs and kisses 

and friendly greetings; 

of moist, briny winds 

carrying the scents 

of jasmine and orange blossoms,

and parking lot asphalt.

The smell of ladies’ perfumes 

as they stroll past my door.

The echo of laughter in the nearby stairwell 

and their happy words

which disappear 

with the sudden click of a heavy car door.

Murmurs from the living room TV 

add to this strange symphony,

with familiar sounds 

and flickering lights 

that seep through the bottom of the door, 

casting short, cryptic shadows 

on the thickly carpeted, 

recently vacuumed floor.

Comforting is the knowledge 

that Papa is in the room next door. 

Feet up, 

arms folded high across his belly, 

and a large RC Cola at his side. 

Grinning at Clem Kadiddlehopper, 

or growling at the Chicago Bears.

When Papa finally turns the television off,

I lie in the still and unfamiliar dark.  

The inland water’s slow, buoyant motion, 

lulls me into a deep and scented slumber.

until the morning,

when I linger on the lumpy mattress 

and listen to the apartment people 

begin their days. 

Wooed by the sounds of others stirring,

I stretch toward kitchen utensils clanking

and the smells of breakfast cooking 

on the other side of the wall.

Oh these, my Florida days.

Of sand slipping away beneath my tiny feet,

and seashell hunts as the sun dips low; 

of Nonna’s curled and bunioned toes 

and skinny, seagull legs 

dipping into the foamy waves, 

but never past her knees. 

These early days of sunset walks 

along a stretch of beach 

that leads to a lighthouse 

and a creaky, tottering wharf 

where Papa likes to take a walk. 

And I like to walk with him. 

Where fishing boats have funny names 

and a tiny gift shop, 

in a weather-beaten shanty, 

sells orange gum-balls 

packed in little, wooden crates

which Papa buys for his little, Pie-Face.

Of bright, green lizards 

skittering across pastel walls, 

and pats on the head 

by terrycloth clad men 

playing cards in the shade of umbrellas. 

Where suntanned women 

with the giant bosoms 

and ever-blooming swim caps 

wade in the shallow end, 

with big, dentured smiles 

for the little one visiting Lenore.

Oh these, my Florida days.

Within Close Range: The Devil at Lake Forest Cemetery

There’s a grave in the corner of the Potter’s Field at Lake Forest Cemetery. 

Rumors tell of devils and demons, 

of curses and misfortune; 

of strange things happening to graveside visitors.

But I’m curious. 

And bored.

Finding two equally bored cohorts, we head out in my convertible. 

Autumn whipping our hair. 

The heater blasting on our legs as we wind along Sheridan Road, 

beneath the red, yellow, orange and brown leaves 

silently floating to the ground on the fishy lake breeze; 

shrouding the lawns, 

the sidewalks, 

the forests, 

and the last season, 

in moist, earthy layers. 

Entering the cemetery beneath its great, grey gateway, 

we haven’t a clue as to which way to go; 

only away from the grand mausoleums and stone angels 

that mark the graves of the rich and powerful. 

We find the unmarked field 

down a short, dead-end lane

already twice passed.

A small, unkempt and inconspicuous patch.

No statues, flags, or flowers.

No benches or shade for mourners.

Just a sad stretch of grass, 

cornered by a chainlink fence, 

choked with neglected vines 

and scraggly branches of struggling pines.

Phil and Betsy step into a small ravine separating us from the forgotten field. 

Their feet, ankles and shins sink into a river of yellow and brown leaves  

and I’m startled by the thought of them disappearing.

Swallowed by some, strange, autumnal underworld.

Eased only when both climb out on the other side.

Wandering up and down the quiet plot, 

we find nothing but nameless headstones. 

Unadorned and unnoticed. 

So many stories untold.

Until we happen upon a half-buried cross 

at the very corner of the lot 

where the wealthy suburb’s poor 

were given their unsung plot.

Barely legible, Damien, is scratched on a crudely made crucifix, 

toppled by wandering roots of the towering, lakeside trees.

Smothered by overgrown grass and thick, green moss.  

Who cared enough to mark a life among the many lost?

Hovering over the grave, we tell our own tales about death, 

the damned and Damien,  

until the daylight disappears behind a dark cloud rolling in off the lake, 

silent and mountainous, 

like a great, grey whale.

Wicked gusts of wind suddenly turn the sky to twisting, twirling, whirling leaves. 

Turning our backs to its unexpected violence, we race to the car,

laughing and swearing 

and shivering in our meager layers.

As the last roof latch clicks into place, the sky over us turns black and wild, 

shaking the convertible.

I clutch the wheel and smile at my friends.

A seasonal storm… 

or something more sinister?

Best to ask later. 

I turn the key, but nothing happens.

After a moment of startled looks and nervous laughter, 

I try again.

Not a sound, except the pounding rain and my impassioned pleas.

On the third try, the engine fires up 

and my shaking hands quickly shift the car into gear. 

Phil and Betsy urge me forward a little too loudly. 

Just as the cemetery gates appear in the rear view mirror, 

the violent storm ends,

and the sun, as quickly as it had abandoned the scene, 

reappears

as we hurry away from Damien’s grave 

on this strange, but strangely perfect autumn day.

Within Close Range: Rocky

You came to Dad as a hired thug, 

but found a mentor and friend instead. 

And a family who adopted you like so many strays – 

the scarred, the scared, the castaways.

Giving you shelter and a place at our table, 

away from the streets, the violence and struggle.

Into our home and into our hearts,

like each of those strays, you’re family now. 

Showing duty and reverence to Mom and Dad, 

you become a different creature with just us kids; 

when you shadow box and dance in imaginary rings, 

reciting poems of strength, your knock-outs, your wins.

Filling our minds with fact and fiction,

which is which hardly matters when told with conviction.

We hang on every word from your kind, but battered face

and marvel when you flex your “guns” and chew on broken glass.

We gaze at your treasure – a championship belt –

that you like to wear when doing your work.

Yet something tells me that you’d give the belt away 

if you could simply sit quietly and draw all day.

Freeing your imagination and childlike mind;

coloring the brutal truth that’s been your life 

and all that you’ve done for the sake of the dollar, 

food for your dog and bread for the table. 

With a smile ear to ear and a clue in your eyes, 

I sense your words are mostly lies

to camouflage the things you’ve seen, 

the things you’ve done. 

Thrust into this world misaligned and alone.

Third grade over and you were gone. 

Fighting to survive, then fighting on demand. 

Forced to ignore your gentle heart and artist’s hands.

In your white t-shirt and rolled-up jeans 

above ankle-high army boots and a head shaved clean. 

you lean on a rake, on a break from your chores,

spinning glorious tales to our curious, young horde.

Within Close Range: Laps

I look into Mia’s bloodshot eyes for the challenge.

And off we go.

Stroke for stroke. 

Lap after lap.

Ten.

Twenty.

Thirty.

Keeping an even pace.

No sign of the other’s weakness.

Forty.

Fifty. 

Sixty. 

Tiring, but single-minded.

Who’ll be first to surrender?

Seventy.

Eighty.

Ninety.

I can hear, in my non-submerged ear, 

Mom calling. 

But grumbling stomachs 

and dinner be damned.

Closing in on a hundred laps, 

Mom calls out again.

“Okay,” Mia gasps, 

“let’s stop at a hundred and four.”

Rejecting her offer, 

I push off once more.

And she follows.

Hundred and four. 

Hundred and five. 

Hundred and six.

Mark’s now standing poolside.

Tiny hands on tiny hips. 

Dinner is getting cold 

and Dad is getting mad.

I call an immediate draw.

My opponent responds with a nod.

I climb out, expecting her to follow.

Instead, Mia slowly sinks 

back in the water. 

And with an enormous grin, 

pushes off the shallow end.

Within Close Range: Spring

When wildflowers peek

through the damp, leafy, forest floor, 

windows are flung wide open

welcoming in the cool, lake breezes 

and the strong, long-awaited smells of spring

in the land’s reawakening.

The thawing corral is heavy 

with sweet-smelling muck 

flung here and there 

by high-spirited ponies. 

Impatient to walk barefoot 

across the newly sprung lawn 

still emerging from the cold ground, 

I make tracks across the yard 

to the edge of the bluff and back,

coating my toes in mud and early grass.

Spreading spring throughout the house.

Within Close Range: Best Friends

We try to light it squatting beneath an old, planked bridge.

Like naughty, little trolls.

Laughing and cursing the unrelenting wind and an almost empty box of matches.

Coughing. 

Giggling. 

Coughing. 

Startled by the snap of a twig. 

Whispering and waiting for something in particular. 

Not caring about anything in particular. 

Until the tiny roach sticks to my mouth and I wince. 

Pulling the burning paper from my lower lip. 

Betsy laughs. 

Which makes me laugh. 

Even though it hurts like hell and my lip is already blistering. 

Making me to worry about how I’m going to explain the burn to Mom and Dad –

who notice every pimple.

But then I stop caring. 

Content to be beside my friend.

Standing firm against the bitter lake winds.

Feeling happy just to be,

we walk beside the tiny creek.

Sudden cravings hasten our final footsteps 

down the deserted road of my secluded neighborhood.

Stepping over acorns and twigs fallen from late October trees.

Side by side. 

Stoned. 

Smiling in the comfortable silence of a very, best friend.

Within Close Range: The Greenhouse

Defying the somber shades of dead in a Midwestern Winter,

when most everything surrounding the small, plexiglass world 

was limp and lifeless,

hidden beneath thick, mean layers of snow and ice.

green was something you could see, 

smell 

and touch 

in Mom’s greenhouse.

Stepping down into its steamy realm 

was like discovering a distant jungle.

Moist.

Pungent.

Earthy.

Exotic.

I’d sit on the cement stairs, 

arms hanging over the metal railing 

moist from the humidity.

Galoshes and socks dangling precariously.

Watching Mom dig her hands into a soily concoction.

Inhaling strange, sweet smells 

of bone meal and blood meal.

Manure and lime. 

And life.

Nurtured with the same intensity Mom tended her flock.  

Passionate and determined all should flourish. 

Cultivating her offspring with a unique and fertile mix 

of love and cynicism, 

melancholy, 

curiosity

and eccentricity.