Sam and I had five days off from school and decided that after doing some chores at our perspective homes, we would meet for a few days of sightseeing around Hyuga.
Despite the fact that typhoon number 22 was making its way across the island.
The first night I arrived in Hyuga, we headed out to find some food and drinks and ended up at an establishment we’ve been to before called Hard-Boiled. (I have no idea why and my guess is those who named it don’t have a clue either.)
The establishment was empty, except for the bartender, Kyoto, who is a teacher at one of Sam’s schools, moonlighting at the bar at night. Kyoto and I had met previously and I have to say he left a good impression on me for having an excellent sense of humor. Sam likes to tease Kyoto about speaking English (which he can manage, but only slightly), but I’m more interested in practicing Japanese and Kyoto proves very patient and supportive.
Comfortably bellied-up to the bar, Sam, Kyoto, and I spent the remainder of the night teaching each other English and Japanese phrases.
Oh yeh… and drinking.
By the time we leave the bar, Sam and I had downed just about every type of concoction Kyoto and the other bartender on duty could conjure and were literally holding each other up as we made our way through the rain and up the hill to Sam’s house.
It’s about 4 a.m.
I don’t know how we managed, but we stayed up talking – at least until the room stopped spinning – and then turned off the lights.
The next day, we dragged ourselves out of bed only to discover that the bad weather had gotten worse and there was little use in making any sightseeing plans. So, we easily fell asleep again until about noon, when we finally decided to dress and head out for some food to sop up the alcohol still churning in our stomachs.
Neither of us could find our wallets.
Being in the sorry state we were in the previous night, we figured we’d either lost them on the way home, or left them at the bar.
Strange though.
I’m sure I took my wallet (which contained 7,000 yen, about $53) out of my pants and set it on the kitchen table at Sam’s after we got home.
Then again, things were a little foggy.
Not overly concerned, we headed to the bank and took out more money.
(By the way, here in Japan, cash is King. We’re even paid in cash.)
And after buying groceries, we headed straight to Hard-Boiled.
NO. Not to drink, but to see if anyone was there.
Not a soul was in sight.
So, we decided to return that night to inquire about our missing wallets.
And stumbled home at 3:30 a.m.
No lectures, please. We’ve heard them all.
When we got home, I went to put the remaining cash I had into a brand new wallet which I chose not to carry that night, thinking there’s NO WAY I’m going to lose another wallet.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
In a matter of moments, Sam and I discovered that missing is not only my new wallet, but my camera, her camera and her wallet.
It’s then a faint lightbulb appeared over our alcohol-addled brains.
“We are idiots!” I moaned. “We didn’t lose anything, we’ve been robbed – and not once, but twice!”
This time they got my cash card, my American Express card, and another 15,000 yen ($115.00).
Not knowing where to turn at such an ungodly hour, we returned to Hardboiled and told the owner what happened. Hoping he might have seen some suspicious character follow us out of the bar.
I don’t know.
Maybe somebody wearing a striped shirt and a mask.
He didn’t.
So, the bar owner called the police and reported the crime and we spent the next hour at the police station trying to explain the circumstances. Afterward, we returned home and to bed, only to be woken three hours later by the alarm we set in order to greet the Hyuga police who’d soon be arriving to investigate the scene of the crime.
Once we dragged our sorry asses out of bed, Sam went in search of someone with a good grasp of English; while I waited at Sam’s house, tidying up and trying to get the smell of alcohol and stale cigarettes out of the air.
At about 9 a.m., the police arrived.
And much to our complete and utter dismay, not one, not two, not three, but SEVEN representatives of the Hyuga Police Department invade Sam’s home.
They have cameras.
Notepads.
Fingerprinting kits.
Walkie-talkies.
The works.
And for the next three hours, they proceeded to question us (through our interpreter) about our activities of the last two nights. Needless to say, they’re shocked by our late-night carousing and (although they would be hard-pressed to admit it), more than slightly amused by the haggard, smelly, foreign women before them.
Undoubtedly fostered by the fact that Sam and I are laughing through most of the investigation.
Not that the situation is the least bit amusing.
It’s just that we were running on very little sleep.
Even less food.
And boatloads of booze is still coursing through our systems.
The longer the investigation took, the giddier we became.
Until we were so slap-happy that any question we were asked was followed by fits of uncontrollable laughter – made even worse when Sam and I were required to stand at the various crime scenes, pointing to the spot where the perpetrator had taken the items, while an officer snapped photos.
They told us this is routine.
We laughed again.
They laughed along.
Sam made coffee for everyone and shared some British goodies and souvenirs sent to her in a care package from home and after all that’s required of us had been completed, we sat back and watched the policemen perform their various duties.
A few wandered outside to look for strange footprints.
Another officer attempted to lift fingerprints off the desk where some of our stolen items had been.
Unfortunately, I had to admit to washing the desk earlier that morning in my efforts to tidy up the place before the police came.
This brought the house down.
As the merry investigation progressesd, Sam discovered that also stolen were some earrings and a bracelet. In order for the police to get a better idea of what the items looked like, Sam pulled out a photo album and showed the officers recent pictures, which happened to be of the two of us in our travels.
I watched as half of the Hyuga Police force handed the album from man to man – each of whom spent far more time than necessary skimming through the pictures.
Maybe they liked Sam’s photographic skills.
Maybe we were kind of like a freak show.
Bizarre.
A little grotesque.
Hard to look away.
Maybe they were trying to get a better grasp of just how ingrained our stupidity is.
Whatever the reason, all seven officers finally wrapped things up and depart.
Each with a tiny Union Jack fluttering in their hands.
And Sam and I spent the remainder of the day eating heavily, watching movies and trying to forget the past 48 hours.
Later that afternoon, the phone rang.
It’s one of the policemen from earlier that day who claims he has one last question to ask. This ruse is quickly uncovered when, before the phone call ends, he asked Sam out on a date.
Can you believe it?
She gets a date out of the whole thing, while I’m out 22,000 yen ($170) and left with the frightening knowledge that there are several horrendous photos of me on file – or better yet, posted on the walls of the Hyuga Police Station – none of which will land me a date with anyone but the flasher who just happens to see my picture at the station while being booked for the 29th time.
Now one would think that the story is over, wouldn’t one?
Well then… one would be wrong.
We HAD to and I mean HAD to meet some people out that night.
The entire evening had been planned around us.
So, once again, we return to Hardboiled where I learned that Kyoto has the hots for me. He did not choose to share this bit of news by seductively whispering some sweet nothings in my ear, but announced his amorous intentions to the entire bar with the same subtly a male tiger uses when spraying his intended. (Audrey!)
I guess I’m flattered, but I’d have preferred a little wooing.
Besides that, the remainder of the evening was rather subdued and, believe it or not, Sam and I were home before one a.m.
And relatively sober.
I put my last 3,000 yen in my purse and after talking for a short while, we called it an evening.
Before I passed out – from exhaustion, mind you – I’m sure I heard a noise outside Sam’s house. However, I convinced myself that it was merely an overactive imagination spurred on by the past days’ events.
Wrong.
We woke the next morning to find that we’d been robbed.
Yet again.
Bringing the grand cash total to 25,000 yen.
I’m so very, very glad Sam and I chose to stay in Hyuga in order to save money for our Christmas vacation.
This, of course, led to another police investigation, but one not nearly as mirthful as the last.
The officers investigating this time are humorless and condescending.And clearly think Sam and I are a pair of brainless bimbos who don’t know their right boobs from their left.
Not that I can blame them.
To top it all off, we were called in to Sam’s office where her supervisor sternly lectured us on the fact that we have an image to uphold and that our behavior – although on our own free time – was unacceptable. (Even though that behavior was in the company of many of his other employees behaving the same way, but who are not being lectured. The difference? They’re all men.)
I was never more glad to see my little town and my futon.
But sleep was restless.
I was certain that first thing Monday morning, after hearing all the gory details from Sam’s supervisor, I was going to receive the same lecture from my superiors at the Board of Education.
Yet no lecture followed.
Kacho told me he got the anticipated phone call.
Hosa shook his head disapprovingly, but said nothing.
And then, as they turned back to their work, I can see they’re doing everything they can to hold back their smiles.
Did I tell you that I love my town?
That’s all for now, my friends.
May the sun shine brightly on your days. But not in your eyes, causing you to swerve recklessly into another lane, where you take out a few cement pylons and a brand new BMW, owned by a big man named Luigi, who doesn’t want to call the police.He’d just prefer to break your legs.
Dog-eared Stories 